Lacertus: Weapon of Destruction (~A Harry Potter Fanfic~)

[Kura]

Attention: Chapters 1 and 2 UP!
Oh, and sorry for double-posting ._. the chapters are long so I can't post multiple chapters in the same thread ;_;
I'm going to link to each one after, and you can access it from this first post~ <3

Yes~ This is a HARRY POTTER fanfic~
I found this fanfic yesterday night in my art portfolio (since I was cleaning it out to bring to school. :3 This fic was written four years ago (when I was in grade 7.) :3 I re-read it and thought it was hilarious because of the randomness and the spelling errors.
If you notice a few spelling errors in this fanfic, please do not tell me about them (because I know they’re there) X33..
This fic is VERY humorous and random in the beginning, and then in the later chapters, it becomes quite serious (and actually introduces a plot.)
This is a Harry Potter fanfic.. (and er.. the first Chapter is crappy.. so bare with me.. it’ll get better)
o.o.. um..so.. anyways, ENJOY~

Disclaimer: o.o Characters belong to J.K. Rowling.. @@ And I took some of the spells and a few ideas (from the later chapters) from a fic by Crystal Claire (._. I think that’s her name.. if you recognize this fic.. and I have the name wrong, please inform me)


Rated: PG 13+ (for coarse language and ‘suggestive’ scenes)
P.S. I have re-rated it because it didn't actually seem like an R-rated fic ._. I was just weird back then..


LACERTUS: WEAPON OF DESTRUCTION

Summary = Professer Snape is under the Imperious Curse by Voldemort. Me does a series of stupid things like strap a bomb to himself, paint his fingernails red, and try to cut off his hand with butter knives. No one but Draco can connect this to Voldemort. Harry Potter must make a plan with Draco to bring down Voldemort. Can he trust Draco Malfoy, or is this another one of Voldemort’s schemes to get Harry Potter killed?

Rated = R
Coarse language, blood, mass murder, intense violence, excrutiating pain, arm ripping spells, various guns, stupid people, stabbing



Theme = Don’t trust your friends, kill them!

Objectionable word/phrases = approx 61

***** = characters all together ~ switch when separated
**** = long time past/setting switch
*** = character view switch
** = short time past
* = past

~.:CHAPTER SELECTION:.~
Ch 1 = The Madness of Snape (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpost.php?p=1694754&postcount=2)
Ch 2 = What About Voldemort? (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpost.php?p=1694758&postcount=3)
Ch 2 = (Part 2) (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpost.php?p=1694762&postcount=4)
Ch 3 = Draco’s Secrets
Ch 4 = The Ultimate Plan
Ch 5 = The Darkness in Death
Ch 6 = Pain of Rekuvere
Ch 7 = Blades of the Gate
Ch 8 = Mansion of Doom
Ch 9 = What Lies Beneath
Ch 10 = The Lacertus Curse
Ch 11 = Destruction
Ch 12 = The Slytherin Heir
Ch 13 = Parting of Ways

Special Thanks to Guukan who typed this all up for me!! <3 <3

[Kura]

Chapter 1 = THE MADNESS OF SNAPE


“Helloooooowww Everrrrrybooooudieee!” shouted a voice from the other side of the classroom as the doors of the potions dungeon burst open. Professor Snape strode into the classroom looking all…Happy? Wait a second…happy? Is that possible? Anyways…back to the story…

Snape walked up to the front of the classroom and flashed his pink cloak to the fifth year students at Hogwarts. “Now, I would like to say…,” he started in an enthusiastic voice. “That you are all my special little students and today, you will give me some homework!”

Everyone shot puzzled looks at each other. Ron bent over and whispered something in Harry’s ear. “Is he MENTAL? What the Bloody hell’s wrong with him?”

Snape started skipping down to Harry and flashed him a smile. “Mr. Potter,” he said in a gleeful voice, “I want to ask you if…”
“Y-yes, sir?” Harry sad, curiously.
“CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?” Snape screamed out.
The class burst out laughing and beside Harry, Ron was pounding his fist on the desk and fell off his chair. Harry shot a glance at Malfoy who was looking dumbstruck.
“Uh…Maybe later…” said Harry.
“THANK YOU!” shouted Snape, “I live you! You’re my best friend! I’ll worship you forever!”
“Um…ok sir…”

“Look what I CAN DO!” said Snape, as he pulled up his sleeve and shoved his arm under his armpit. He then started making rude farting sounds with his hand while the whole class except Malfoy, were laughing so hard that they couldn’t breathe.
“I would LIIIKKKEEE to annouce…that class is cancelled for the rest of the day, due to the fact that I have a date with Professor Flitwick’s pet bat! I even got ready!” shouted Snape as he flashed his fingernails, which were painted bright red, to the class.
“And I would like to add,” he said, “That I am DEEPLY in LOVE with Lucius Malfoy!!!”
Draco looked up at Snape.
“E-excuse me?” Draco shouted.
“Yes! It’s true, my class! He dresses so feminin, that he has touched my heart,” Snape said.
“How DARE you!” Draco said.
“And I am in LOVE with YOU too!” said Snape.
“WHAT?” Draco said. “That’s enough.” He picked up his things and walked up to Snape.
“Yes Draco,” said Snape, “your face, your eyes, your body…is just so…HOT!”
At that moment Draco kicked Professor Snape in between the legs. Snape didn’t even flinch. “Thank you, Draco” said Snape, “Now I know how much fury you have in your passionate heart.”

“You’re really starting to scare me now, you *******!” Draco said. And he stormed out of the room.
Snape stared back at the class, who were all quiet because of what just happened. “He IS a heartthrob, isn’t he?” Snape said and turned to look at Crabbe. “Isn’t he?”

Crabbe just stared at him.

“Anyways…” said Snape, “as I was saying before, class is cancelled so off you go…” The Gryffindors and Slytherins left the potions dungeon, while Snape kept saying “I smell like cheese” as they left.

Harry, Ron and Hermione met in the Great Hall for lunch.
“Ron, what happened back at Potions?” asked Harry.
“I guess all that stress broke him…I dunno,” said Ron.
“Do you think it’s all true?” said Hermione.
“Probably everything but the Malfoy part,” said Ron, matter-of-factly.

The three of them looked over to the Slytherin Table, Malfoy was sitting alone hiding his face from anyone.

“I kinda feel sorry for Malfoy,” said Harry.
“Sorry for him…He’s the enemy!” said Hermione, “But if I were him, I would feel pretty bad…”
“Guys, look over at the staff table, up at Snape!”

Harry, Ron and Hermione looked over at their Potions Teacher.
Snape had a pile of butter knives stacked on the table beside him.
Dumbledore was sitting next to him and looked over at Snape, who was trying to saw off his hand with a butter knife.
“Severus…” said Dumbledore, “What are you doing?”
“Can’t you see?” said Snape, who was still trying to cut his hand off with the butter knife. “Thos is fun! Why don’t you try?”
“No, thank you.” Said Dumbledore, and turned away to talk to Professor McGonagall.

“What’s up with that stupid cloak anyways?” said Harry, who stopped watching Snape and was now talking to Ron and Hermione again. “It’s PINK!”
“I Dunno…nervous breakdown maybe,” said Hermione.
“Must have been single for too long!” said Ron.

“Are yeh talking about me?” said a voice from behind them. They turned around to see Hagrid standing behind them.
“No, we’re talking about Snape.” Ron said hastily before stopping to think about what he was saying. “I mean, not Snape, ummm…I said Snap…ya exploding snap…”
“You three better go up ter yer dormitories, now. It’s getting a bit…er, late!” said Hagrid.
OK, ***rid, um I mean Hagrid,” said Ron unexpectedly, “Sorry, words just slipping out of my mouth.”
“S’ok…Anyone buggin’ yeh terday? Yeh know, the usual Malfoy?” asked Hagrid.
“Actually, no” said Harry.
“Snape said something to him in Potions,” said Hermione.
“Really, what? I can’t believe he’d say something bad to someone from his own house” said Hagrid.

“Well, Snape told Malfoy that he was in love with him and his Father,” said Harry.
Hagrid was speechless.

“Do y’a want us to give you the exact words, or will you settle for the summary.” asked Ron.
Hagrid didn’t answer. “Um, I better get going.” he said, and strode off.
“We better get going as well,” said Hermione, as she started packing up her stuff and walked away. Ron and Harry did the same and followed Hermione back to the Gryffindor common room.

[Kura]

Chapter 2 = WHAT ABOUT VOLDEMORT?


At night, as Harry slept, he had the strangest dream.

‘He walked into the Potions dungeon and saw Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy talking about killing Snape. In the back of the class Mr. Borgin was trying to urge Draco into playing a game of strip poker with Snape and Ron Weasley. Hermione was dancing around the class saying that she killed Sirius, and Wormtail was there with a hand made out of twizzlers. Then Draco got up, walked up to Harry, and started swearing into his ear. Then Sirius appeared with an axe and tried to slice Voldemort’s head off, while Ron grew a pony-tail and turned into Lucius Malfoy’s double.’

Harry woke up.
“****! That was nasty,” he said, “Real disgusting!”
Harry tried to shake the thought out of his head. Occasionally, when he did dream, the dream had meaning. But this time was different. Probably the most meaning it had was that he was going crazy. Why was Snape acting all…weird? Harry sat up and put on his glasses.

“Ron!” Harry whispered to him, trying to wake him, “Hey Ron! Wake up!”
Ron opened his eyes.
Harry explained the weird dream he had a few moments ago. Ron looked at Harry puzzled.

“Strip Poker?” asked Ron disbelievingly, “Me and Malfoy in a game of strip Poker?”
“Yah, and Voldemort was there!” said Harry.
“I would never agree to strip Poker! Not with Malfoy anyways!” said Ron.
“OK…but Sirius was there, too!” said Harry.
“You better not have seen anything!” said Ron, “If you-”
“Don’t worry Ron!” said Harry, “I didn’t see anything, OK?”
“Fine,” said Ron, “I believe you! But did you see Malfoy’s-”
“No, Ron!” shouted Harry, then lowering his voice again, worrying if he had woke anyone.
“Good!” said Ron, “What about-”
“I saw nothing, Ron.” said Harry, starting to get irritated. “I was just wondering if you think it means anything. What do you think?”
“You have a sick mind!” said Ron. “Plain and simple!”
“Ron,” said Harry, “I mean it!”
“Yeah, and I mean it too!” said Ron. “I’m going back to sleep! G’night!”
“G’night,” said Harry.
“Oh and Harry?”
“What?” said Harry.
“Are you sure you didn’t see-”
“No, Ron! Go to sleep!” said Harry.
“Alright!” said Ron. And a loud snore told Harry that Ron had drifted off to sleep.

****

Next afternoon Harry, Ron and Hermione had potions with the Slytherins again. It seemed that Dumbledore found out that Snape let them skip half the class and told them to have another class. When Snape entered the room, he looked like nothing strange had happened the day before. Maybe it was a dream, Harry thought.

Snape stalked up to the front of the class. He opened up his cloak and the class saw a bomb strapped to his stomach.
“Sir,” screamed Parvati Patil, “There’s a bomb strapped to you!”

Snape ignored her.

“Ah Mr. Longbottom,” he said, “Do you have a long or wide bottom? Or maybe it’s as soft as mine like a baby’s bottom. Or maybe it’s all pimply.”
Goyle was so startled by this statement that he spilled his drink all over Malfoy’s cloak.
“Ah Mr. Malfoy,” said Snape. “Would you like me to lick that off you?”
“Are you serious!” shouted Draco, “You must be really perverted to think of that! Are you gay?”
“If I say ye, can I lick you?” said Snape.
“NO!!” said Draco, “If I had a knife in my hand right now, I’d try to slice off you head.”
“Tried that to my hand yesterday?” said Snape, “Doesn’t work with butter knives, though.
“Pity” said Draco who took off his soaked robe and whipped it at Snape.

Unfortunately, Snape caught it.
“Thanks, my love!” said Snape. “I’m going to cuddle up with it at night! If only there was someone to fill those robes!”

Snape winked at Draco.
“Ugghh! You’re sick!” Draco shouted.
“No, but if you are sick, maybe I can get close enough to catch whatever you have!”
“That’s it!” shouted Draco, “I’m leaving and never coming back!” Draco stood up.
“Trying to play hard to get huh? It’s ok, I like the feisty ones.” Said Snape.
The whole class was quiet. Hermione looked up at Draco. “Malfoy,” she said quietly, “I-I’m sure he doesn’t mean it…”

Draco turned his head and stormed out of the classroom.

“I have an announcement!” said Snape now facing the class. “I will self-destruct in ten seconds.”
The class shifted in their seats.
“Ten…Nine…Eight…Seven…,” Snape said, pushing his finger closer towards the detonator button, “Six…Five…ah what the hell”
Snape pushed the button before the class had a chance to escape but nothing exploded.
“The safety lock must be on,” said Snape. Snape looked up and the students started to run out of the class.
Harry was the last to exit the class and Snape hurried after him.

“Potter, come here!” said Snape
Harry turned around. “Y-yes, sir?” he asked.
“Where’s my autograph?” asked Snape.
“Oh that…I er…put it on my test…” said Harry.
“Good, Good and Potter?”
“Yes…Professor?” said Harry.
“Give this to Draco Malfoy…” said Snape, and handed Harry a pink letter.
“Um, alright sir,” said Harry and he walked off to the Great Hall for dinner.

**

At dinner, Harry opened the letter and read:
‘Dear Draco,
I was wondering if you could join me after dinner in the Slytherin Common room for a game of cards. I was thinking of some poker… Please join me, you wont regret it.
Sincerely Severus Snape’
“Wait a sec,” said Harry to himself, “the-the dream!’

Harry waited around at dinner for everyone to leave, and Malfoy stayed around recollecting his thoughts
Ron and Hermione came back to the hall from their dormitory to talk to Harry. Harry showed them the note and explained his dream to Hermione
“Harry,” said Hermione, “did you see Malfoy’s –“
“No!” shouted Harry, “NOTHING OK?”
“Just asking!” said Hermione.
“You better give Malfoy that note before he leaves the Hall,” said Ron.
“Yeah,” said Harry, and the three of them walked up to the slytherin table.
“Um…Malfoy,” started Harry, “Prof-“
“WHAT?” Malfoy shouted. “YOU”RE HERE TO MAKE FUN OF ME, NOW, AREN’T YOU? I’M NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP! SO **** OFF!
“Sorry,” said Harry, “just wanted to give you this.”

He tossed the letter onto the table. “It’s from Snape. I pre-read it though. I wasn’t going to give it to you if it got too dirty. I suggest that you don’t do he …er requests, cause I think I know what it means.”
Draco picked up the letter, without saying anything, and opened it up. He read it and looked up at Harry, who shot him a concerned look. Draco then strode out of the Hall.

“That was cheerful” said Ron.
“I thought he was going to gag at the note,” said Hermione.
“Snape is mental!” said Harry.
“Yah, but you know what’s puzzling?” asked Hermione.
“What?” said Harry.

“Are you sure you didn’t see anyone’s-”
“I’M SURE!” hollered Harry.
“Let’s go!” said Ron.

As the three of them came up to their dormitory, Malfoy was standing outside the portrait of the Fat Lady.
“What are you doing here Malfoy?” asked Ron.
“Snape won’t leave me alone,” said Draco.
“Really?” asked Hermione.
“He’s standing outside the Slytherin common room waiting for me!”
“So what do you want us to do about it?” said Ron.
“Anything, just SAVE ME!” said Draco loudly. He looked like he was on the verge of crying.
“Why would we save you?” asked Harry.

Draco lowered his voice so that only the four of them could here. “I know why he’s acting all strange, it’s just...I can’t tell anyone because if I do…”
“You know what is wrong with Snape?” asked Ron.
“Sort of…I don’t even know why-” suddenly Draco stopped talking. He stepped back, “Why am I even talking to you? You won’t even help me! You’re going to use me for information! You’re going to make fun of me if I told you that Voldemort-”

Draco clamped his hand over his mouth.

“What about Voldemort? Malfoy!” said Harry, hastily, his voice rising.
“I-I can’t!” said Draco, and turned to run away but Harry grabbed his arm and pulled him back.
“Listen to me…” said Harry “I’m NOT going to sink to your ungrateful level! Now tell me…WHAT ABOUT VOLDEMORT!?”
“I can’t tell you!” said Malfoy.
“Why not?” asked Ron.
“I just can’t!” answered Draco, as Harry pulled out the pocket knife that Sirius gave him for Christmas and held it up to Malfoy’s throat.
Draco took a deep breath. He staggered back, “If I tell you…ma father would give me to Voldemort to kill me.”
Draco turned and ran away. Hermione and Ron shot puzzled looks at each other.

“Their family’s all messed up!” said Ron.
“Well, we know one thing,” said Harry, “That Voldemort is behind this!”
“We better go and find Malfoy!” said Hermione, Maybe he can stay in the Gryffindor common room…We could hide him and then make a plan to stop this madness.”
Let’s go!” said Harry, and the three of them stormed down the stairs to find Malfoy

[Kura]

CHAPTER 2= (Part Two)
**

Down in a corridor, Harry, Ron and Hermione found Draco sitting on a step, his face buried in his hands.
“Draco-” Harry began, but Malfoy interrupted him.
“Draco? Did you just call me Draco?” he said
“Well, it IS your name,” said Harry.
“Why do you even believe me? For all you know, I could be lying!” said Malfoy.
“But you’re not, so tell us what’s wrong,” said Hermione.
“You won’t believe me,” said Draco.
“Fine,” said Ron, “Let’s go!”
“Big waste of time!” said Hermione.
“Sorry it had to happen to you, Draco,” said Harry, and the three of them walked away.

***

In the Slytherin common room, Draco’s mind was racing. Why did Potter and his friends try to help him? Why did he go to them in the first place? Why was Snape all…weird? Why didn’t Voldemort use Snape to kill Potter? Why did Potter call him…DRACO? And, why did it feel like there was someone breathing on his neck?

Draco turned around and saw Snape standing behind him, smiling like a mental patient.

Malfoy stood up and staggered back.
“Get away from me!” he said.
“Why would I want to do that? I thought you wanted to get closer!” said Snape.
“NO! You’re CRAZY!” said Draco.
“No, but I must say that you have the cutest little-”

At that moment Professor Dumbledore burst through the doors and told Professor Snape that there was a teacher’s meeting in the staff room. Snape followed the Headmaster out of the common room.

Draco took deep breaths.
“It’s time…” he said, “To get my invisibility cloak.”
Draco ran up to his dormitory to get the cloak.

***

Harry heard a loud thump and sat up, rubbing his eyes, he looked over at the desk next to his bed. His clock read: 12:00am. He reached over to put on his glasses and saw Draco Malfoy’s face staring back at him. Harry jumped up, startled, and almost screamed but Malfoy clamped a hand over Harry’s mouth.

“Malfoy!” whispered Harry, pulling Malfoy’s hand off his mouth. “What the **** are you doing here?”
“I’ve decided to tell you about …Voldemort,” said Draco, “But you can’t tell anyone…”

[Squirrel]

meh.....it isnt really very good in my way of thinking. 2/10

[Kura]

meh.....it isnt really very good in my way of thinking. 2/10

--;; It's not supposed to be good!! It's supposed to be stupid!!
Read the first post, please!!
I wrote it 5 years ago~ and left the spelling errors on it because it was hilarious!
o_o It's not a serious fic~

But to each their own, anyways~ ._.