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View Full Version : Neither A Boy Nor A Man


Kirsten
November 27th, 2005, 05:24 AM
((this is so pointless, lol. im still waiting for someone to make a comment...even a rude one...but a comment on one of my stories. o.o; ))


I am walking alone down an icy street of concrete and shattered glass. Great broken buildings lean wearily against each other and moan loudly as the wind whips through them. The moon dips in and out of shadows and the world flickers as though a great silver flame. In the distance I hear a whispering, and a small silhouette darkens the path before me. At first I think he is a boy, but then I see he is a man, pale as moon-cream and lovely. His eyes are like frost, almost mechanical in their coldness, and they remain expressionless as he smiles at me.

Then...back in my apartment, all is cold and dark except for the icicle stab of moonlight that pierces through the window. He is with me and I... I am staring into a mirror, where I see my own eyes staring back at me with strange emptiness, and I look away... troubled. He wraps his arms around me and they feel like stone, eminating a coldness which runs deeper than any soul. I shiver and he whispers in my ear that he loves me. I kiss him and the night melts away into an eternity of heatless passion.

I awake as daylight warmth creeps across my skin. The room is afire with golden hues of sun and life. I stir and turn toward the man who even in this warmth is pale and cold as death. I move to kiss him but his lips melt away into darkness as though he is bleeding shadow. And suddenly I am covered in this blackness, which though unnaturally dark, is just as sticky as any real blood. I push him away with fright and he shatters. Broken pieces of porcelain mingle with the night-blood and spread across my floor.

I sit now, confused, as I stare at the scene before me. A man lies on my apartment floor, his hair matted with blood that has darkned... but not as dark as the blood I saw. His skull is shattered, but it is not the white porcelain I remember. And his eyes, open now and although empty with death, are not the unearthly coldness of the man I held. And as I kneel down and feel his human flesh for any pulse, I know that the creature I brought home was not this man... nor any.


((why must my mind be so morbid and condemned...))

charizard_maa
November 27th, 2005, 05:34 AM
Dark. Scary too. I no pro at thiskind of stuff but I think its great. It shows the darkness of love and how people can be. So is this a short story or a continuing story?

Kirsten
November 27th, 2005, 05:44 AM
everything i post will probably be a short story. i dont want to let anyone read what i really have. right now, im still working on chapter 2 of my real story on microsoft word. its kind of medieval, and a cross between Soul Reaver, Legacy Of Kain, and Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance (1 & 2). strange, lol. i still havent named it, though.

Cloud_boy
November 27th, 2005, 05:44 AM
Wow...even I, who's got a tiny-and I mean TINY-attention span, actually liked this, so good job and don't stop writting:D

Kirsten
November 27th, 2005, 05:45 AM
thank yoush!! -=^.^=- eh, your attention span cant be that tiny, lol

Cloud_boy
November 27th, 2005, 05:47 AM
You are just saying that.^_^ Thanks for being nice to me!

charizard_maa
November 27th, 2005, 06:08 AM
Ever going to post that piece up?

pokejungle
November 27th, 2005, 06:12 AM
...I'm left confused. This was not a short story going by the 15-75 page average guideline.

What you have here I'd classify as a prose poem~ and it seems to fit that well. Personally, the imagery is good...almost too overdone though. The sections were interesting, the way they flowed into each other.

I'm left wondering what happened though. Flirt, lover, murder, it's all blended into one without an explanation. Poetic in a way, mysterious in the other, but not exactly a good writing habit. If you're truly wanting to call this a short story, set it up as one and give the reader more detail. If you'd rather take the prose path just add a few sentences of explanation in there somewhere.

Otherwise...interesting...but I can't say anything jumped out at me. As horror is usually my genre of writing, I can't say that the morbid-ness of it surprised me, or even drew emotion. You didn't connect enough emotion to it. Was it the shock value? Nah~ I don't think that you'd just add in a death. I think you tried to tie it in well, the mood of the story just ran too quick for the reader to get a good feeling of what was happening before there's a body and blood on her hands.

In the future, I'd write a bit longer or chop it more into a poetic form. I can easily pop out ten pages [double-spaces as writers should always have them set to ;3] of a story. Usually it'll never get finished. But practice =D Just sit down and typ something. It'll help your form ^^

Good job~ All and all I liked the piece. And this is the longest critique I've given in this section of PC .-. I just felt like telling you =P

Cloud_boy
November 27th, 2005, 06:14 AM
I agree with the guy who is very picky about what he reads!....sorta!

pokejungle
November 27th, 2005, 06:21 AM
I agree with the guy who is very picky about what he reads!....sorta!
That was SPAM, but every definition there is. No, I'm not picky. Actually I am, but the fact that I have taste in reading is a good thing. It's not pickiness, it's knowing what you're talking about.

Now please put some thought into what you're posting before I start having to call the mods~

Kirsten
November 27th, 2005, 06:42 AM
Lol, aww, thank you again. You guys are so silly. Well, since you love reading so much, what do you think I should do? Do you think that I should really put my offline story on here? I mean, it's unfinished. I'm only on chapter 2, and I have to think up a name really quickly. Because, like right now, it's saved as "rar!!" Lmao. You know what's sad? You're only a year older than me, and you make me feel like a little kid when I read your posts and replies. But, it also makes me feel good that you even read this. Again, thank you.