View Full Version : "Just Friends"

December 21st, 2005, 5:19 PM
I attempted to start something, wanting my lonely to end
I tried and tried to make it work, over my back I bend.

I paused me efforts, I asked a question on which it all depends.
Here was your heart-breaking answer, "Lets just be friends."

Struck me down, burnt me to the core.
Why do you just want friendship, when I want so much more...

Weeks later, you seem to have forgot.
But not I, your charm still has me caught.

I see you every day. On the bus, in the halls.
A constant reminder, of my everpresent falls.

Is this what I'm doomed to? Is this my life?
This aura of failure, stabbing like a knife.

I recall a song quote, "We gave love a chance."
If only you'd do that, lift my heart like a dance.

Should I move on? Should I persist?
I have to quell this aching, it stings like a cyst.

How do you feel, about causing my fall?
Has this had an effect on you, any at all?

Midori Chi
December 23rd, 2005, 8:56 AM

Very good. I think there was one or two typos, but still..
I like the emotion you described in this.

~9 out of 10

December 26th, 2005, 12:58 PM
Thank you very much for your positive comments

December 26th, 2005, 1:02 PM
Difficult to be quite so positive, your poem, although emotive and heartfelt, with meaning behind it (all positive) is also a prime example of letting the rhyme scheme write it for you. Your rhyming fouls your diction in some parts, making the poem awkward to read in those places. Otherwise, it was well written. 7 out of 10.

January 5th, 2006, 8:35 AM
'Just friends'? *twitches violently* Spazz, memories, spazz.... *collapses*

Eh...that aside, I agree with ^. 7/10. Emotional, but your format of rhyme makes it a little off. Who am I to judge, though, I couldn't write anything better... *twitch* Anyway, don't get discouraged. Just keep writing, keep practicing. If you keep working at it, and using others's criticism to your advantage, you'll make a fine poet.

January 8th, 2006, 8:38 AM
^Thanks, I'll have to keep the ryming motion in mind next time I write a poem