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emeraldslay
January 6th, 2006, 11:34 AM
Silently, the two hunters moved through the forest, each clutching a bumpy blue and black ball. They both wore short brown hair and skintight shirts and shorts. The hunter's outfit. There weapon, a Masterball. Illegal balls that didn't have the mechanism that allowed the Pokemon to escape. This ball hit hard and locked tight. They were being leaked out into the mainstream by team rocket. The hunters didn't care. Profit was the name of the game.

The man hacked away at some overhanging leaves with his machete, following the pawprints. This tropical jungle was where Suicine had last been seen - that was knowledge hard-earner. They had a buyer on hold. One billion dollars was his price. The two jumped at this oppurtunity, and immediately set out. They were experienced in the art of catching Pokemon. They had once been hired to capture Moltres for an educational show, and had done it perfectly. Suicine shouldn't be harder. But, the Moltres had been released after the show. Suicine wouldn't be released.

"Are we getting close?" the woman mouthed to the man. The man nodded. They had learned to be silent, as one incorrect move, and the Suicine could be sixty miles away in ten minutes. It was hot but they couldn't afford to stop and rest. They were sweating a lot, but there breathing was controlled.

Then they saw it.

Standing in the clearing was Suicine, playing around with a spearow. The Suicine crept up behind it, then leaped at it. The spearow flew away, but the Suicine jumped up and grabbed it's feahters with one smooth movement. It crashed against the ground and squaked loudly, then tried to fly away again. This time, Suicine let it fly up further, then leaped against the trunk of a nearby tree, launching itself right up into the air, and grabbing the spearow and landing in one smooth movement. It stood on the ground, perfectly still, the only thing moving were it's two white tails.

The man stuck his thumb up, then got ready to throw the ball. This was his one chance, his one oppurtunity. If he missed, the Suicine would pounce away. He got ready, then pulled his arm back, and suddenly BOOOM! A white light enveloped everything, and they were blinded.

The light cleared away, and it took a minute for there eyes to adjust again. There eyes hurt like hell. But, when they got there bearings, they gasped. In front of them, three small figures were hovering in the air. Mew, Celebi and Jirachi were hovering in front of them.

"Oh my gosh..." the man said.

Then, a thought came into both there heads. An instinctive reaction to throw there masterballs quickly. But, something else came into there heads.

We shall not halm you

Both looked at Mew, on the left. They didn't know how they knew Mew'd said it, they just did.

We have come to teach Both knew Jirachi had said this.

Why do you feel you have to abolish the spirit of Pokemon themselves for profit? Celebi asked. They were both in awe. The amazing power that radiated from each one was amazing.

"We..just..." the woman began.

"By capturing legendaries, you are enslaving the Pokemon race as a whole. Doing this shall eventually constitute to the downfall of Pokemon.

The woman was overcome with emotion, and suddenly had an urge. Her concious was saying "do it, do it, do it" and she gave in. She threw it. She threw the masterball at Mew. It happened so fast that Mew could not respond and was caught. Then, the man followed suite, and did the same to Jirachi.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH Celebi screeched, and suddenly they found themselves spinning, spinning through time and space, untill they fell.

The man awoke first. They were both in a garden. The garden of time. They knew it instantly. The infamous garden of time, where Celebi was said to be. But Celebi wasn't here now. Nor was any Pokemon, or Pokeballs. Somehow, they knew that they were in a place where they were alone. Completely alone. They, single-handedly, had to rebuild the human race. But Pokemon were gone. Pokemon had been destroyed forever.

They spent years and years searching the garden for Celebi. Eventually, they knew they would never find the only Pokemon in existence, so they gave up. They had many children, and there children had many children. They were known as Adam and Eve.

And Celebi spent his time travelling back through a happier time, where Pokemon existed in plenty. Never once did he return to the moment where Pokemon were destroyed, nor did he go back to the garden. He spent his days just watching Pokemon and humans, happy together. Never did he go to a world where only humans lived. He remembered a time when Pokemon existed, and as he watched the shadows of the past, he realised that the world would never be as happy as that time.

Never.

emoBill™
January 6th, 2006, 01:49 PM
And you yell at me for having a terrible fic? Ratiosu review:

Blue-->Good, possibly surpassing average.
Red-->Average, could be better but is good enough.
Green-->Could use a lot of editing, and needs to be so that more reviewers and stuff come.
Teal-->Terrible. Needs tons more editing:

Review:

Length->I didn't check on MS Word because I've written stories as short as this. It is possibly very close to one page on MS Word, which means it needs to be longer. However it's OK, because it seems average length.

Description-->Not really too good. Simply saying a Suicune was playing with a Spearow proves nothing. And three legendaries known as Mew, Celebi, and Jirachi, isn't good either. When edited:

"The humans crept into the clearing, peering through an overgrowth of bushes and saw a large dog. It seemed to be larger than both of them, and resembled a fox or dog. The creature had long purple hair that flowed in the wind, and a light blue body. White diamonds speckled its legs and body, and two white ribbons flowed out of its rear end, and a large blue outgrowth erupted from its head, shaped like a diamond. It was playing with a small brown bird-like animal, and leapt up to try and catch it."

That's much better, so try describing like that. Think about each of its individual features, and describe it in detail, seeing it in your mind.

Plot->I guess it's OK. I mean, yeah, I'm a Christian and all so it's good to see Adam and Eve in a fic. But simply saying that they hunted down legendary Pokemon and threw their Masterballs at them doesn't do much good. Besides, if Team Rocket had been distributing them, and Adam and Eve were the first two humans in the world, that makes no sense. But I guess it's OK.

Grammar->Yeah, it's OK. A few spelling and grammar errors, but otherwise OK.

Overall-->Average. You could expand more, but average.

emeraldslay
January 7th, 2006, 01:31 PM
Lmfao, I agree. This was from ages ago ^_^ I'm finding loads on my computer and sticking them on various forums.

emeraldslay
January 7th, 2006, 01:34 PM
And you yell at me for having a terrible fic? Ratiosu review:

Blue-->Good, possibly surpassing average.
Red-->Average, could be better but is good enough.
Green-->Could use a lot of editing, and needs to be so that more reviewers and stuff come.
Teal-->Terrible. Needs tons more editing:

Review:

Length->I didn't check on MS Word because I've written stories as short as this. It is possibly very close to one page on MS Word, which means it needs to be longer. However it's OK, because it seems average length.

Description-->Not really too good. Simply saying a Suicune was playing with a Spearow proves nothing. And three legendaries known as Mew, Celebi, and Jirachi, isn't good either. When edited:

"The humans crept into the clearing, peering through an overgrowth of bushes and saw a large dog. It seemed to be larger than both of them, and resembled a fox or dog. The creature had long purple hair that flowed in the wind, and a light blue body. White diamonds speckled its legs and body, and two white ribbons flowed out of its rear end, and a large blue outgrowth erupted from its head, shaped like a diamond. It was playing with a small brown bird-like animal, and leapt up to try and catch it."

That's much better, so try describing like that. Think about each of its individual features, and describe it in detail, seeing it in your mind.

Plot->I guess it's OK. I mean, yeah, I'm a Christian and all so it's good to see Adam and Eve in a fic. But simply saying that they hunted down legendary Pokemon and threw their Masterballs at them doesn't do much good. Besides, if Team Rocket had been distributing them, and Adam and Eve were the first two humans in the world, that makes no sense. But I guess it's OK.

Grammar->Yeah, it's OK. A few spelling and grammar errors, but otherwise OK.

Overall-->Average. You could expand more, but average.

Oh, and it's meant to link the Pokemon universe to ours, see?

emoBill™
January 8th, 2006, 01:20 PM
You don't need to double-post. OK, so it links the Pokemon world to ours. OK, fine. I'm talking about how your description is terrible, etc. etc. etc. I liked the plot, but you need to fix those areas. And sticking your old stories onto various forums...not good. You need to pull them up, edit them so they look like Darkness In My Heart, and then stick them here/whatever other forums. Just so you know, I'm just trying to help you improve. Otherwise, I wouldn't review.