PDA

View Full Version : Moving Foward


hanusamike
January 19th, 2006, 06:30 PM
As Mike entered the Pokemon Lab in Rose City, he noticed a man in black nearing the house of his neighbor May. He entered still somewhat scared about the man. He saw about 10 students from his class along with Lisa, all of them were about to get their first Pokemon.
"Im getting a Torchic, its so cute!" exclaimed Lisa
"Im not sure which i want yet..." Mike said.
"Oh...well im sure youll get one thats really cool" May said
They lined up Mike was at the end of the line.
"Mudkip!"
"Mudkip!"
"Treeco!"
"Torchic"
so on until finnaly
"Torchic please!" said May.
"Here you are!" said the Lab Worker, "Oh my, im sorry young lad but it seems we're all out, you'll have to come back some other time."
Mike bit his lip to stop from sobbing,"That's...o-ok..."
They started to leave when Prof.Richard(not a tree, but o well) ran toward Mike.
"Dear boy, dear boy, was it you who did not receive a Pokemon?" he asked.
Mike nodded in dissapointment.
"Well we have one more if you would like to see it?" he asked
"Umm,sure..." he followed
they entered the back room of the lab, were a pokeball laid on the desk of the proffesors. Prof.Richard picked up the ball and handed it to Mike.
"Ok, let'em out" he said
"Ok, go Pokeball!" he exclaimed.
A small silver Turtle-like pokemon with a cannon on its was standing on four-legs.
"Gyooort!" it jumped up and flipped.
"This is Canodrum the Iron Turtle Pokemon", Prof.Richard said,"We weren't going to give him to anyone due to its...'thing' , but we arent even completely sure that its real."
"What 'thing'?"
"Well you see, much like its distant relative Absol, Canodrum is a badluck pokemon, but its not proven. If it causes any problems just return it, but youll have to wait until we have something to give so try tomorow if you have problems today."
"Ok..."said Mike
"Goodbye, and good luck." Prof.Richard said as Mike left.
"..."

-Outside-

"You get one?" May asked.
"Uhhh yeah." Mike replied
"Wanna battle?"
"I guess"

!!!!!BATTLE!!!!!
Canodrum vs Torchic
Mike- Canodrum Go!
May-Torchic go!
Mike-Ok uhhh Canodrum use...Headbutt!
Canodrum leaps up at Torchic but misses and hits a rock.
Torchic falls over laughing
May-HAHAHA! Mike your pokemon has some roten luck!
Mike-*grinds teeth*
Mike-Headbutt!
This time Canodrum trips and flips over
May and Torchic continue to laugh
Canodrum starts to cry and runs to a field
Mike-Canodrum!
Mike(thinking)-whyd i get this pokemon!?
May and Torchic are to busy laughing to notice
-----

Canodrum is sitting on a log and sobbing.
Mike-Canodrum? Are you ok
Canodrum-turns away and falls off the log
Mike(thinks)-poor guy
Canodrum-Gyoort!
Mike uses a potion on Canodrum
Canodrum- ( :) )
Mike- ( :) )
The log flips over and rolls, a hissing comes from inside
?-Ssssss
Ekans-EKANSS!!!
Mike- Uh oh! Canodrum run!
They ran but Canodrum trips, Mike runs back.
Ekans strikes at Canodrum and Mike.
Canodrum-GYOORTT!
Canodrums viewable limbs enter the shell and Canodrum starts to spin, Ekans is knocked back.
Mike-*gasps*
Canodrum-GYORRT! ( :) )
Mike-Lets get'em! Canodrum Headbutt!
Canodrum-Gyort!
Ekans faints
Mike strikes a pose!
May-Mike! We saw it(Torchic is on her head)!

CONTINUED!!!

pokejungle
January 19th, 2006, 06:42 PM
This is obviously a script fic, except it didn't turn out like one D:

Your complete story is dailogue, with no lines imbetween the spoken words to make matters worse.

!!!!!BATTLE!!!!!
Canodrum vs Torchic
Mike- Canodrum Go!
May-Torchic go!
Mike-Ok uhhh Canodrum use...Headbutt!
Canodrum leaps up at Torchic but misses and hits a rock.
Torchic falls over laughing
May-HAHAHA! Mike your pokemon has some roten luck!
Mike-*grinds teeth*
Mike-Headbutt!
This time Canodrum trips and flips over
May and Torchic continue to laugh
Canodrum starts to cry and runs to a field
Mike-Canodrum!
Mike(thinking)-whyd i get this pokemon!?
May and Torchic are to busy laughing to notice
-----

Canodrum is sitting on a log and sobbing.
Mike-Canodrum? Are you ok
Canodrum-turns away and falls off the log
Mike(thinks)-poor guy
Canodrum-Gyoort!
Mike uses a potion on Canodrum
Canodrum- ( )
Mike- ( )
The log flips over and rolls, a hissing comes from inside
?-Ssssss
Ekans-EKANSS!!!
Mike- Uh oh! Canodrum run!
They ran but Canodrum trips, Mike runs back.
Ekans strikes at Canodrum and Mike.
Canodrum-GYOORTT!
Canodrums viewable limbs enter the shell and Canodrum starts to spin, Ekans is knocked back.
Mike-*gasps*
Canodrum-GYORRT! ( )
Mike-Lets get'em! Canodrum Headbutt!
Canodrum-Gyort!
Ekans faints
Mike strikes a pose!
May-Mike! We saw it(Torchic is on her head)!

What's this? Supposed to be Narration or stage directions? O_o; There's no quote marks, all of a sudden we just get this random string of text with no apparent source. Very akward.

My conclusion is that you should rewrite it, taking a little more time to pay attention to the plot and dynamics of a script fic.

oni flygon
January 19th, 2006, 07:01 PM
Your story lacks a concrete plot, that's for one thing. Another thing is that you lack in character development as we have no clue to what the characters are like, their personalities, etc. You lack in description and creativity is down the drain as you immediately used Anime Style Battling and those aren't so good. Your structure jumps from narrative to script, which is a big no-no because it utterly confuses your readers. And try to avoid stereotypes. You commented on your professor not having a tree name... which is GOOD because you're an inch away from following a dull-witted and bland stereotyped carbon copy of the anime.

And it's best to read these threads. They'll help you a lot.

http://pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=46646
http://pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=27806