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Cy-Chan
February 2nd, 2006, 12:53 AM
Me, Myself and Totodile: A Trainers Tale
Part 1
The Beginning Has Begun!

The room was compact. A television, with a deep, purple Gamecube lay in one corner, and an average-sized computer in another. A single bed was pressed against the wall, and a young person was asleep in it.

Suddenly, an light-blue alarm clock went off, waking up the young person in an instant. The person was in fact, female. Her long black hair was flung upwards as she sat up.

Nine o Clock! Right on time! She said.

She grabbed a remote control and put the television on. A program with a person in a lab coat flashed onto the TV screen.

Welcome. I am here to explain the crucial basics for new Pokemon trainers. Said the white-haired man on the screen. My name is Professor Oak. Im known because of my detailed research into the species of creatures known as Pokemon. Some people raise Pokemon as pets, while others use them in battle. However, we dont know everything about Pokemon, and probably never will, as there will most likely still be mysteries to solve.

The program babbled on for a moment, talking about how to make a Pokemon feel comfortable, and many of its dietary habits. Meanwhile, the 13-year old, black-haired girl folded up her pajamas, now fully dressed in a plain, purple top, and a white skirt.

I, Naru Kimori will be a great Pokemon trainer. Even greater than that of Red Akano and Green Midori! I am armed with a backpack of supplies, a belt of Pokeballs, and a great starter Pokemon! Today is the day! She proclaimed, while releasing her Pokemon out of its ball. It hiccupped slightly, and then looked up at its trainer in admiration. It saw the fire burning in her amber eyes.

To, to, dile! It merrily chirped.

Naru looked down towards her Pokemon. Alright, Totodile! Here we go!

She ran downstairs, her blue-jawed partner following her. She grabbed some bread and crammed it in her mouth, her partner doing the same, again. And then, while running up and down on the spot, in an anxious manner, she wrote out a quick note to her parents.

Well, Ill miss you, mom, dad. But Ive got to go! I know you want me to wait, but I can't bare it anymore! I want to reach Cherrygrove by this afternoon, and with any luck, I'll ring you when I get there...

She opened, and then ran out of the door, and waited a moment for her reptile friend to do the same. Then she locked the door afterwards.

Naru stopped for a moment, feeling her hair getting slightly wet. Ah! Rain! Ive gotta hurry into Route 29, and find some trees for shelter! She said.

The rain was mild, but promised to become more furious as time went on. The sky started to darken, as clouds surrounded the fiery orb in the sky.

To! Said her companion, while it enjoyed the moist raindrops flickering on top of its head.

Here I go! She said, while running past the sign that pointed to Route 29.

Immediately arriving onto the long trail, she tripped over a small, brown-ish Pokemon.

Whats that Pokemon? She asked to herself, while her Totodile prepped itself for battle.

She aimed her Pokedex towards it. She quickly read out the details, as they flashed up. Sentret, the Scout Pokemon. It stands on its

She stopped and cried out, as a loud cry rang out. When it stopped, she continued reading. It stands on its tail so it can see a long way. If it spots an enemy, it cries out loudly to warn its own kind.

She looked at the brown furball in front of her. It smirked back. And so did the group of arriving Sentret.

Looks like we have our work cut out for us, Totodile. Her big-jawed friend opened its mouth and gaped at the amount of enemy Pokemon.

But, no use in standing around! Totodile, go and give them a scratch attack! Naru commanded, while pointing at the squadron of brown Pokemon.

Upon seeing no seeing no attack being executed, she looked around and saw her Totodile running away from the fleet of furballs. Totodile! No! Come back! She ordered, running after her fleeing Pokemon.

Totodile!

---

To be continued...

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Yes, it's short. Yes, it's not high-calibur writing. Yes, it's not very high detailed. Yes, I did make yet another trainer fic to infect the web... and yes, it has no proper plot as of yet.

Except, the shortness... is to simply get me used to writing. Everything else I've ever wrote, I got bored of, simply because of having to write the introductory chapters and descriptions. After a bunch of introductory and filler episodes, the plot will come shining through.

If I get good responses, I'll update quite a bit. I got bored a lot recently, so I ended up writing the first 30 parts. As the later parts are slightly longer, that's about 87 pages. A big achievement for somebody who doesn't have the patience to bolt in a screw.

At any rate, I hope you enjoyed the story, and please leave your comments!

Edit: Stuff edited, because I felt like it.

Aegis
February 3rd, 2006, 04:43 PM
Sounds Good So Far! Keep writing!

Sanctuary
February 4th, 2006, 01:54 AM
This is a quite good fanfiction. You have good description in this fanfiction. Good work!

Alter Ego
February 4th, 2006, 04:23 AM
Well...it's okay grammatically and such but I'm not really feeling your text. I haven't really seen much in the way of emotion from either character, except for what little can be discerned from Naru's monologue (She's not really conversing with her pokmon as much as just talking at it, you haven't really defined wether Totodile is male or female by the way).

Your fic could do with a lot more of descriptiveness. For instance...what does Naru's room, or indeed her whole home, look like? Is it messy or clean? Okay, so there's a bed, a gamecube, and a computer, but what do they look like? Is everything clean and neatly ordered? Are the things old or new? And what of Naru's family? Why wasn't anyone there? Were they at work or something else? Does she have siblings? Are her parents still living together (I'd assume not since she's only adressing 'mom' in her note)? If they aren't, what happened? How does Naru feel about her parents? Do they get along? What are her parents like personality-wise? And what's the weather like? It's raining, sure. But what kind of rain is it? Is it a really heavy downpour or a gentle drizzle which she's just exaggerating? How's the temperature? What time of the year is it? Makes a big difference for the rain and many other things. Are there others in her hometown (The name of which you haven't defined although I assume it's Newbark Town) whom she knows well and would miss/like to get away from? Indeed, what does the town look like? How does Naru feel about setting out on her journey like that? It's a big step after all, leaving your family behind and all. Has she travelled before? Does she have experience? And what about Totodile? Surely he/she is his/her own person and not just some mindless drone who is there to obey Naru's every whim? Basically, what I'd like to see is some of the characters' thoughts and emotions. Those are essential for creating the atmosphere of a story, and especially important when working with a tired and clichd plot concept like 'the beginning trainer starting out his/her very own pokmon journey' because there are loads of fics about that out there and most people are tired of seeing the same things repeated in every one. Your fic needs something to make it stand out from the rest, and well-developed and thought-out characters are a very good way for guaranteeing that.

Also, Naru seems to be carrying disturbingly Mary-Sueish characteristics this far. I know it's still too early to pass a judgement on that matter, but remember that no-one is interested about hearing about the perfect trainer who is always prepared, always wins, and always succeeds at everything he/she tries. It's their flaws that make characters interesting, not their merits.

Overall, I'd consider you a work in progress. As I said, you're quite good from a technical viewpoint, but you need to use more and better detailed descriptions, describe the thoughts and feelings of your characters, and generally 'colour' the whole thing with some adjectives, metaphors etc. if you want your fic to stand out from the crowd.

Cy-Chan
February 4th, 2006, 12:00 PM
Eh. Thanks for the feedback. I'd like to do more detail... but if anything, it gets worse in later chapters. I despise doing detail, is all. This is mainly stress release for myself, after all. After I've gotten so far with this story though, I'll probably go back and improve various things. As for now, its just a standard trainer fic.

I can't do much about adjusting it anyway, since I've spontaneously written 30 chapters, and 3 interludes. The plot kicks in around episode 15... and the plot fully develops around 27/28. This story moves extremely slowly. Anime-slowly.

Since I don't feel like writing right now, but am bored, I'm going to post the next episode, and edit the first one in parts...

Hope y'all enjoy to a certain extent, and sorry for my blabbering.

---

Me, Myself and Totodile: A Trainers Tale
Part 2
Fixing Up the Dile!

Totodile! Naru cried out, attempting to catch her run-away Pokemon. Come on! You cant be scared! Youre a Pokemon! Have guts!

Her Totodile showed no signs of slowing down, so she chucked its empty Pokeball at it, and caught it as it bounced back, with the blue reptile inside.

Totodile What am I going to do with you?

---

Naru had wandered under a bunch of trees, as the rain had started to pour down, ruthlessly. The wind was pretty rough as well. She knew, that her journey was going to have be postponed for a while. At least, until after the storm.

Hm... I guess I was harsh on Totodile... It was our first battle, after all...

Well... Its no good if it continues to be scared to fight... So, Ill give him some fight training! Naru decided, while releasing her blue companion from its ball.

The big-jaw Pokemon looked up at its master, looking sad. Alright, Totodile. You obviously have some problems, and I, Naru Kimori, daughter of Nate Kimori, discoverer of the Hoenn Pokemon Kimori, will fix them!

The reptile looked up in fright, and then started to run off, ignoring its trainers cries.

---

Okay, Totodile. Now that youve calmed down... She said, while holding her partner in a tight grip. Go scratch that Pidgey over there.

She pointed towards the small, single, bird, pecking at the ground.

Totodile looked uneasy, as his trainer let go. Come on, pal! You can do it! I know you can! Go show that bird whos boss! Naru said.

With those words of encouragement, Totodile leapt forward and dug its claws into the small bird. It shrieked in pain, and lifted off the ground. It then soared forward and bashed Totodile.

The big-jawed Pokemon fell into a small mud-puddle, it sat up, and looked at the bird above. It was circling around, awaiting its prey. Totodile got nervous, and cowered into a ball.

No! Totodile! Get up, and use a Leer attack! Commanded Naru.

Her Pokemon shook off the dirt, and ignored its fright. It stood up, and gave the small bird the hardest stare it could manage. The bird noticed it, and stumbled, dropping to the ground.

Okay, now Scratch it! Naru ordered.

Totodile lifted up one of its paws and rocketed towards the Pidgey. With a great sound of a connecting hit, and a few feathers flying off of the enemy, it was an obvious win. The blue Pokemon cheered, as it glowed slightly white. It had gathered up some experience from the battle.

Totodile! Well done! I knew you could do it! Naru congratulated. You just had to get over your fears!

Totodile jumped up and down, cheering. Totodile! Totodile!

The rain came to a stop, and the sky started to whiten slightly. The sun poked through a few clouds, spreading the trail with a dim light.

Alright, time to continue on our journey! Come on, buddy! Naru said, running off into the distance, with her small Pokemon following.

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To be continued...

Aegis
February 6th, 2006, 01:55 PM
I loved Chapter two!!! Keep it up!