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code zerro the deluge
February 20th, 2006, 07:11 AM
hot step 1212
hot step 1212
go ahead do your grove
hot step1212

Do it to it
Vibe quack make you move it
do your grove
come and move your shoes
that is a nice beat
fire and heat
move around on your feet

hot step 1212
hot step 1212
go ahead do your grove
hot step1212

no take
butt quack
squinder under
my below from the
beat make you move even in your seat
it is to bad
that you are mad
let the tension go
and get on the floor
hot hot

hot hot
now stop
go stop
go stop
go stop
GO!!!!
it is the right time to star up
and party not time to be Mr.s smarty
hey hey hey


hot step 1212
hot step 1212
go ahead do your grove
hot step1212

come girl.
My production the kid
wonderfull
code zerro
Robert denero of Music

hot step 1212
hot step 1212
go ahead do your grove
hot step1212

pink-tiger
February 20th, 2006, 07:18 AM
Its unique!!!
And its good rhyming!!^^
I like it a lot!!^^

code zerro the deluge
February 20th, 2006, 07:23 AM
heheheh thank you very much.

Ejunknown
February 22nd, 2006, 07:56 AM
It's... intersting, lol, though it speaks more like a rap. It's got a beat, ok rhyming. It's ok.

code zerro the deluge
February 22nd, 2006, 05:57 PM
thanx very much. it was atlest a 7.5

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
February 22nd, 2006, 06:56 PM
I'm sorry. I'll have to be honest with this one, code zerro... I'm not going to write nice comments to everyone just because they're my friends or whatever, I like criticizing and being criticized with a basis.
For me, it's more like a 4.5. It sounds like a bad dance club song. It's kinda repetitive and a bit sloppy to me... That line of Robert De Niro losed me. Even if it's intended to be a dance song It doesn't seem very right to me. And if it's written as a poem it's even worse. But I don't know. Most rhymes are not existant, if you know what I mean. I don't even know where it's supposed to rhyme. I want to be as nicely as possible reccomending rhymezone.com. It might help you when you can't find the right rhyme for 'x' word.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Keep writing and I hope to see more of your work and check if you improve. =D

code zerro the deluge
February 23rd, 2006, 04:16 AM
thanx for your opinion man. And I am not mad. Not in the least way.

Kylie-chan
February 27th, 2006, 04:01 PM
Right, I really do have to be a bit mean with this one. xD; Like Stevey said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

It really... has no real content. It sounds like you've been trying to write the kind of stuff that hip-hop/dance artists write, and, frankly, their writing isn't very brilliant most of the time. Also, "groove" is spelt just that way, not "grove". Grove has to do with nature and stuff. In fact, most of the stuff they write I wouldn't even call poetry, but that's just me.

"hot step 1212
hot step 1212
go ahead do your grove
hot step1212

Do it to it
Vibe quack make you move it
do your grove
come and move your shoes
that is a nice beat
fire and heat
move around on your feet"

First, the chorus. I don't like the numbers. Instantly, I can tell it's going to be one of those hip-hop songs about skanky [XD;] dancing, and... we've got too much of that. "Go ahead; do your groove" [not "go ahead do your grove" - try spell-checking programs, although they don't always catch everything, so don't rely on them, and watch your punctuation]... well, that just sounds plain cliched. Keep your work original.

"Do it to it"... well, wtf does that mean? Honestly, I don't know what you meant to say there. ^^;
"Vibe quack"... again, confusing. Assuming the line was meant to say "The vibe quack will make you move it"... well... don't cut out words, as it can often make it harder to read.
"Come and move your shoes; that is a nice beat"... well, I can't explain what's iffy about that, but I can explain one bit. "Nice". Try using thesauruses [sp? X_X;]. They help provide stronger, more descriptive words. Nice seems to be a bit weaker in what is generally a strong, bold verse.
"Fire and heat" - That... just... well, I know it can be hard to find rhymes, but... that makes practically no sense to me o_O;

"come girl.
My production the kid
wonderfull
code zerro
Robert denero of Music"

I told you in my other review of your poetry to capitalise, so I won't repeat that. However, make sure to capitalise names. Robert De Niro, not robert denero. And... like Stevey said, that line kinda lost me, too. I got it, but... o_O;;

Now... I just don't like that part. I loathe it when rap artists do self-insertion x: It seems rather bigheaded. I'm not calling you that, it just... spoils it.

Also, "wonderfull" is spelt correctly as "wonderful". There is no double-l.

"no take
butt quack
squinder under
my below from the
beat make you move even in your seat
it is to bad
that you are mad
let the tension go
and get on the floor
hot hot"

In one of the stanzas, you used the word "to" in place of "too". Too bad, not to bad. ^_^;

Watch your homophones.

Lastly, I don't get or like the bit about "butt quack squinder under my below". o_O; It also reminds me horribly of that Bellydancer song by Akon, which... as I implied, isn't good at all. Hip-hop tends to cut out words, which can make what you're singing incomprehensible. I just hate hip-hop, maybe, but that part is a fact...

Also, the "get on the floor" bit. o_O;;; That just emphasises that it's a dance/hip-hop song, which all sound the same. I think you need to let your creativity have a stronger run when you write.

I agree with Stevey yet again; use a rhyming dictionary if you can't find the word that fits and makes it flow. Some of it, like the "too bad you are mad" bit, just seems a bit jerky and Kindergarten-bookish. It's better to get help then stuff it up =]

I'll be honest - I don't like it much. Watch your punctuation, spelling, and general style, and soon I'm sure you'll be writing great stuff.

code zerro the deluge
February 27th, 2006, 05:00 PM
Thanx man. I have to remeber that. it was something i just wanted to do. For fun.

Kylie-chan
February 27th, 2006, 05:57 PM
It's fine. I wasn't trying to be mean or anything ^^;; so don't take it the wrong way. Writing, is, of course, fun. Write as you will <3