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oni flygon
February 22nd, 2006, 06:52 PM
posting this since it's an English thing and it motivated me (deadlines motivate me...>>) to write this little poem right here. It's not much and it's only been revised once. But I hope you guys will enjoy it. It's part of my experimentation with rythm...


Comments and criticisms are gladly accepted!

Trees and Leaves

From what was a seed, I come to ponder
is now a tree that makes people wonder
of the events that it has witnessed.

Stretched out to the sky, its leafy arms were
giving shade when those hot days were but a blur
Then I remember days of summer

And when I look above, I see the leaves
where in their union, the light above they weave
and make yellow patches on the ground

When I think of their cooperation—
In inventing their beautiful creation
I think of the multitude of them

In truth, it was the leaves that provided shade
And the cool places where the children have played
and yet they depend upon the tree

I wondered if the tree is to admire,
Since the leaves are the ones that most inspires
As I sat under the tree’s cool shade

Eliana
February 22nd, 2006, 06:55 PM
Allright. It's awesome for a first revision.

The rythm scheme is very clear. In fact, it's pretty interesting, haven't seen many different schemes out there, and that did the trick. Though it could use some polishing up. Just a bit.

The whole idea of the piece is unique too; Most people today write about their pain and anguish without any detail, etc.

You wrote about trees basically and managed to make it sound amazing. Excellent.

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
February 22nd, 2006, 07:06 PM
I like it alot... The rhythm is okay, the rhymes are great. I like the idea too. It makes you picture what I think it's supposed to; It has good imagery. It leaves a calm feeling when I read it. The only thing I have noticed not just on this one, but in other poems you wrote is that the rhythm is not always the same... Sometimes you extend/cut some verse so it doesn't match the 'timing' and it feels a bit sloppy. But out of 10, you get a 9.5 on this poem, that's my opinion. Hope you post more soon =)

digi-kun
February 22nd, 2006, 10:13 PM
Hmm...not bad...especially for a first revision...

Comments =D
1. I'm liking the 3 line verses
2. Admiration of the trees, good topic there
3. Last 3 lines are good

Criticism >D
1. Of course, first three are rather iffy
2. This isn't a fic, but remember your tenses XD (last verse)

Suggestions and Neutral Comments
You have a tendency to try to rythm when you don't confuzzles me @_@

I mainly looked at the second lines for this, so try to keep verse syllables the same. In this case, 11 Syllables.

1st line: 10 Syllables
2nd line: 11 Syllables
3rd line: Good job XD

oni flygon
February 24th, 2006, 05:21 PM
You get the rythm, right Digi? It's like a haiku... anyways, thanks for the criticism... I need them... XD