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code zerro the deluge
February 25th, 2006, 03:37 PM
I wish
thangs would be ok
thangs would go the right way
troubles be over
as we see a better day

I see it wasn't meant to be.
Since tha day Adam and eve ate from the tree
my life is constant
thought it wasn't till on lock down
even then before i had a frown
people tell me to calm it down

I wish
thangs would be ok
thangs would go the right way
troubles be over
as we see a better day

i can't beleive it
this is crazy befull this
i lay down
sad as can be
need to cheer up or be
a bumb
or sorry they are the same
then people start calling names
ohh why why why?

I wish
thangs would be ok
thangs would go the right way
troubles be over
as we see a better day

why can't it be
somebody else
I am sick of this
gilr left me
no i am sad as can be

Bauhaus
February 25th, 2006, 03:37 PM
It's alrightish.

Why do you say "thang"?

DragonTrainer
February 25th, 2006, 03:39 PM
Sorry to say, but it kinda sounds a little like a watered down sad pop song.

Maybe expand more on your ideas and elaborate what you have, make it sound a little more sophisticated. ._.

code zerro the deluge
February 25th, 2006, 03:44 PM
trying something diffrent. K

Kylie-chan
February 27th, 2006, 03:32 PM
Yeah, it sounds like a cross between rap and emo. x.x; I would turn "thang" to "thing".

Also, let me correct some of your spelling errors ^^;; and general grammar

I wish
Thangs would be ok
Thangs would go the right way
Troubles be over
As we see a better day

I see it wasn't meant to be
Since tha day Adam and Eve ate from the tree
My life is constant
Thought it wasn't till on lock down
Even then before i had a frown
People tell me to calm it down

I wish
Thangs would be ok
Thangs would go the right way
Troubles be over
As we see a better day

I can't believe it
This is crazy, befull* this
I lay down
Sad as can be
Need to cheer up or be
A bum
Or sorry they are the same
Then people start calling names
Ohh why, why, why?

I wish
Thangs would be ok
Thangs would go the right way
Troubles be over
As we see a better day

Why can't it be
Somebody else?
I am sick of this
Girl left me
No, I am sad as can be

*= I have no idea what you meant by that...

Also, some of your sentences really don't make sense, like "Or sorry they are the same". o_O I don't get how it continues on from the sentence before it. Lastly, in poetry, most people usually capitalise the first letter of each line, and you should always capitalise "I" when using it in pronoun form.

Well, aside from that, it's decent, but it sounds a bit too much like some of the stuff out there already.

code zerro the deluge
February 27th, 2006, 05:00 PM
i wanted to try something diffrent.