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Agent9
February 25th, 2006, 10:48 PM
Hello, I am Agent9, you may have seen me on the boards here. I've decided to start writing fanfics. This is my first one, so I'm a complete n00b. I accept Constructive Critiscism and comments. The first chapter might be the last as I am busy with School. I will try to get one chapter each week.

The characters in this story is a young boy named Ace. Ace was the son of a champion in the Elite Four. You will learn more as the story goes on...

BTW my tabs Button is broken, so I can't indent or anything. Bear with me. Here we go...Watch, as Ace's own legacy unfolds and legend will guide him through the many er.... troubles of life...

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The clouds over Altomare were fluffy as a Mareep's fur as always, and a little boy sitting on a hill by his house was drawing one of the most elusive Pokemon in the universe, Latios. The little boy, Ace, as people called him, was absolutely obsessed with Altomare's Blue Guardian. Ace drew pictures of Latios, he had dreams of Latios, and for his birthday, his mother had even gotten him a Latios Wagon.

"Oh Ace! The weather man has reported that Kyogre is going berserk again! Get inside before it starts drizzling!" ,yelled Ace's mother, who was a pretty and nice woman.

"Yes Mom!" Ace yelled back, picking up his notebook and running toward his house. But as he ran, he felt a presence above him. He stopped. Ace looked up and saw an awe-spiring sight. He then let out a blood-curdling scream.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ace yelled before he staggered and fell to the ground, just as Kyogre's Drizzle started up.














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I know, very short chapter, and most of it didn't make sense or connect. But I'll get better. But as for now...My times up on the computer, that's why it was short.

See Ya Latios!

Alter Ego
February 26th, 2006, 12:41 AM
Like, long time no see, Agent. ^^

Anyways, like you stated yourself, this is veeeery short as of yet, so there's not very much for me to comment on. Still, one point;

who was a pretty and nice woman.

How people percieve others' personalities is a very subjective thing, therefore you should never resort to describing these personalities by terms like 'nice'. Because heck, I as a reader don't have a clue about what this woman's personality is like, and although I might very well end up thinking that she's nice, I might also think that she isn't, and in any case, it is annoying to have a ready-made judgement about a character forced on you like this. If you feel like using that term, then you should make it into a clearly subjective statement like 'Ace had always thought of her as very nice' or something like that, in which case you are simply stating his opinion. Know what I mean? ^^ Also, I'd be equally cautious about using a term like 'pretty' to describe anyone as beauty and 'prettiness' are also considered subjective terms, hence, you are once again shoving a ready-made judgement onto the reader. Instead, I'd suggest describing her appearance in a bit more detail so that the reader gets an actual picture of her, abd the same goes for Ace. When introducing characters - especially the main one - into a story it is always important to give the reader some kind of picture of them as they make their first appearance. You only need to go really in-depth once and after that you can just describe any significant changes to that character's appearance (Change of clothes etc.) as necessary.

That aside, your grammar and spelling seem fine to me, although I think you put a bit too many exclamation marks into that blood-curling scream of his. Oh, and some basic description about the environment would be nice because I for one don't know what Altomare looks like.

Well, that's it for now. I'll probably have more to say once you've lengthened this into a real chapter. ^^

Aegis
February 26th, 2006, 07:00 AM
Lookin good so far! I'll keep checking back for more!

Agent9
February 26th, 2006, 08:42 AM
Like, long time no see, Agent. ^^

Anyways, like you stated yourself, this is veeeery short as of yet, so there's not very much for me to comment on. Still, one point;



How people percieve others' personalities is a very subjective thing, therefore you should never resort to describing these personalities by terms like 'nice'. Because heck, I as a reader don't have a clue about what this woman's personality is like, and although I might very well end up thinking that she's nice, I might also think that she isn't, and in any case, it is annoying to have a ready-made judgement about a character forced on you like this. If you feel like using that term, then you should make it into a clearly subjective statement like 'Ace had always thought of her as very nice' or something like that, in which case you are simply stating his opinion. Know what I mean? ^^ Also, I'd be equally cautious about using a term like 'pretty' to describe anyone as beauty and 'prettiness' are also considered subjective terms, hence, you are once again shoving a ready-made judgement onto the reader. Instead, I'd suggest describing her appearance in a bit more detail so that the reader gets an actual picture of her, abd the same goes for Ace. When introducing characters - especially the main one - into a story it is always important to give the reader some kind of picture of them as they make their first appearance. You only need to go really in-depth once and after that you can just describe any significant changes to that character's appearance (Change of clothes etc.) as necessary.

That aside, your grammar and spelling seem fine to me, although I think you put a bit too many exclamation marks into that blood-curling scream of his. Oh, and some basic description about the environment would be nice because I for one don't know what Altomare looks like.

Well, that's it for now. I'll probably have more to say once you've lengthened this into a real chapter. ^^

AH yes, I do seem to have a problem with describing places and such. and of course you wouldn't know anything about nice, or pretty, because you can't picture it without details. I need details, is all, right?

Thanks for the comment, DreamBandit.

I might just write a whole new beggining of the story when i get the time.

Alter Ego
February 27th, 2006, 08:22 AM
AH yes, I do seem to have a problem with describing places and such. and of course you wouldn't know anything about nice, or pretty, because you can't picture it without details. I need details, is all, right?

Thanks for the comment, DreamBandit.

I might just write a whole new beggining of the story when i get the time.

Yeah, basically that was what I was saying. ^^ There are certain styles of fanfics where plentiful descriptions aren't necessary. (Such as in 'The Ties that Bind (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=59975)' by Saffire Persian) but in a fic like this, how you describe the environment and people is essential for the mood your readers are (Or aren't) going to get. But yeah, I didn't really have much else to comment on than the basic style, seeing as how the plot hasn't really gotten anywhere yet in the above beginning. I'll take another look once you expand on it or write a new one. ^-^ Oh, and since you are stepping onto the borders of cliché territory with the 'search for a legendary' theme, you should take care to make your characters and events as interesting as you can to make your fic stand out from others in the same genre. ^^