PDA

View Full Version : Emerald Citys First Child


blastoise>you
March 26th, 2006, 07:12 PM
This is my first Fan Fic and sorry if it sounds repetitive, but it is a story that I need to tell....

~~~~~~~~

As the crowed roared, he fell to the ground. His eyes started to fill with water, but he wouldn't let the tears fall out. As he ran his fingers through his sweaty, hair he stammered
"I.... I can't believe... I finally made it...."


Darkness


*Beeyong Beeeeyong Beeeyong*

The alarm next to his bed went off. He reached over and slammed the snooze button with a sort of exclusive hate. "Not now," he thought, "Not now....I almost caught him"

Just as the sweet silence of sleep returned to welcome him home, *Knock knock knock*

"Andrew, Honey time to get up," from a firm yet gentle voice "Today's your big day"

Andrew jumped out of bed as though he was on fire, right into his Nikes and threw on a jacket as he asked, "Mom am I late?".

"No," his mom replied "you don't have to be there until 10 right?"


"Right", he confirmed, glancing at the clock, which read 6:11. He thought to himself, "Might as well get ready while I'm up" forgetting he asked her to wake him up early. Stepping out of his shoes he tossed his half on jacket to the bed.

Still sporting his morning wood he poked his head through the slightly ajar door, and scanned the dark hallway to make sure his mom was not still around. He quickly made his way to the bathroom.

As Andrew brushed his teeth he stared at himself in the mirror. Standing at an even 6ft, and weighing a muscular 195, he applied lotion to his brown skin. Picking out his semi afro (Think Kobe before his trial) He looked into his own piercing light brown eyes while stroking his skin tight goatee stated "I'm so fine..." now smiling "I just need to learn how to keep a girl".

Andrew is the type of person that puts up a front, an act, like he is indifferent, disinterested. People that aren't close to him tend to think that he doesn't care about them, whether it’s true or not.

Walking out of the bathroom fully dressed with a knot in his stomach Andrew heads down stairs. He sees his family sitting in the dinning room waiting for him with a feast for his big day.

"Uh…. hey, guys." He said smiling.

"Good morning honey" lovingly replied his mom.

"Andy," Exclaimed his 6-year-old brother, Nate who closely resembled him.

"Yeah?"

"Who are you gonna to bring home today?" He asked in a very inquisitive manner.

"I duhno, who ever the Professor wants to give me" Almost as soon as he said that, he noticed the saddening look on Nates’ face and quickly responded, "Well who do you want?"

"I like Charmander, but I like Treecko more."

"Why do you like him more?"

"Well, because he’s cool and he’s green and I could play with him" Answered Nate.

"Enough" shouted their dad. "I do not and will not support this"

Andrew responded "I have done everything you asked until this point. I worked at the store, I got good grades, and I joined the team. It’s time for you to let me go. It’s not your choice anymore."

"Stay here and work at the store we need help." His dad said angrily across the table.

Andrew said with haste "I WILL help you I’ll send money as often as I can."

"Send money? Send money?" said Andrews father "Do you know the success rate of trainers? How do you even know you’ll get money? You’ve never even had a Pokemon and your 17. You don’t need to go. Call Oak and tell him--"

"Just cause you didn’t know what the heck you were doing, and your Pokemon hated you doesn’t mean I’ll be the same. Where is Machoke anyway? Oh yeah he RAN AWAY. " Andrew interrupted. Looking at his cell phone "It’s 8:30, I gotta go, I don’t wanna miss the bus. And no mom I don’t want a ride." Andrew gets up irritated "Thanks for the food Ma, Seeya Nate " Walks to the front door, turns back, smiles, and walks out.

Andrew’s mom looks at his dad "**** it James".

"What Allison" James said shocked "You should know just as well as anybody that just because he wants it doesn’t mean he’ll get it. Everybody wants to be a trainer or a master. Making him think it is an absolute will not help—"

"Shut up".



Andrew, now out of his house looks up at the partially cloudy sky. "Hmmm warmer then I thought it would be." He said gladly. Looking over his right shoulder seeing the Pokemart his Dad owns wonders to himself "Why do we own that? No trainers even through here. This **** place is too **** small." The City, a small suburb of Viridian City is called Emerald. Less than 1000 people live there but almost everybody know Andrew because of his work at the Mart and his attitude on the High school basketball court, almost like he wouldn’t take losing for an answer.

Walking slowly he looks at his phone and sees 8:40 and being late he runs for the bus as fast as he can. "Crap, after all that I’m still going to mss the bus. Please be late please be late." He chanted as though he could control the bus.

He turned a corner scared that there would be no bus. But to his surprise the bus is sitting there engine running. Deciding not to waste anymore time, Andrew sprints the last hundred yards and gets on the big white and black bus with blue and red seats. Stepping on the bus, Andrew smiles at the driver, "Thanks for waiting man. I really appreciate it."

"Oh, it was nothing. Your dad called and I owed him a favor anyway."

Andrews smile left his face. "My dad, huh?".


The bus stopped outside the new Museum that read "Ketchum Pokemon and Natural History Museum" Andrew looked at the clock on his Phone, "9:35, I gotta go where's my map at?" Just as he pulls out his map he turns around, looks up, and sees a sign that says "Oaks Lab this way^ New trainer day!!!".

"Uh… I guess I should go that way."

Walking towards the lab Andrew sees this huge crowd, gathered for what he thinks is for him. Glancing at his clock he notices it is 9:50 "I gotta get in there."

After fighting through the crowd, and sprints up the stairs and busts through the front door.

"Andrew you made it. I thought you weren’t coming!"

"Yeah Bryan I made it. Where is Oak? "
Bryan answers "I think he was talking with Gary."

Bryan is Andrew’s cousin. He is also a gifted athlete. He is almost as good at basketball as Andrew is despite being 2 years younger.

"Gary’s here?" Andrew said gasping for air, in the most excited voice Bryan has ever heard him use. "Maybe I can get my first badge today?"

Bryan and the 9 other people that Andrew failed to notice laughed at this. "I will beat him someday. Maybe sooner than all of you. Just remember my name. It’s Andrew, baby."

Professor Oak walks down the stairs from his private room, with Gary Oak close behind. "Who said that they’ll beat me?" Andrew raised his hand. "Hmm, Andrew right? Yeah I saw some of your games. You’re not that great. I hope you didn’t mean at Pokemon, because you will have no chance. Not even if you had a Mew" The crowd laughed at this, and Andrew had a smirk on his face.

"Yeah, whatever you say. Just don’t forget me."

Clearing his throat Oak said" Ahhrm. Gary now that, that is out of the way, please go …don’t look at me like that just go I need to give them my speeches. "
"Well welcome to the wonderful world of Pokemon. As many of you know my name is Professor Oak some call me the leading…(I haven’t thought of what I want him to say)"

"Now, you can chose your Pokemon from any of these 10 starters. Let’s start with…Mary…. Cyndaquil, good choice, Okay Jack…."

"Hey Bryan" Asked Andrew

"Yeah?"

"Who ya gonna take?"

"I’m thinking about Treecko. Or Charmander" he answered.

Oak, still telling everyone’s choices "Oh, you took Pichu. Trying to be the next Ash I see. Okay Jordan who are you taking. No hesitation? You decided on Charmander a while ago didn’t you? Okay next is Bryan with only 3 left. You’re taking Treecko? Good choice…and now Andrew" Starting to sweat Andrew walks over to the last Pokemon on the table. It is a Squirtle. "Okay you all have chosen your partners to start your journey with. Return tomorrow and I will give you your PokeDex and some Pokeballs to officially start. Goodbye for now"


Out side the Ketchum Museum; Andrew and Bryan wait for the bus. Bryan already with his Treecko out is talking to him. "Andrew why don’t you call out your Squirtle."

"Well what if he doesn’t like me?" He said nervously

"Well why wouldn’t he? You’re cool enough."

"Yeah, I guess so." Andrew throws out his Pokeball. Squirtle is released chanting his own name. "Uh, hi Squirtle I’m Andrew. I’m your new trainer." Squirtle puts his hand on his head like he is searching for words to say. "Well Squirtle, my goal is to become the best trainer that ever lived, or at least a bring a little respect to my little city. I think you can help me do that, and that I why I choose you. So…are you with me? "

"Squirt Squirtle Squirt" As he nods his head.

Andrew stands up and picks Squirtle up and gives him a bear hug. Squirtle blushes like he is too cool for that. "Sorry, I won’t do that again I’m just too happy."

blastoise>you
May 26th, 2006, 03:53 PM
I just want to know before I post another chapter.....was this really that bad? I didn't really rush it and I tried hard to make it interesting. Can somebody please comment? Good or Bad I just need an opinion

Alter Ego
May 27th, 2006, 09:54 AM
Like, take it easy (Okay, maybe not a very reasonable request considering the date of this thread's first post). If people had read it and it was bad you'd probably already have gotten about two people going 'OMG this is so great/funny, can't wait for more.' and one actual reviewer pointing out the pros and cons and giving proper comment. Odds are that yours just got lost in the crowd.

Anywho...concerning an actual review of this...

Your plot could use a lot more innovation, because the old starting-trainer-going-on-an-adventure thing is the oldest plot in the book, and unless you present something more imaginative early on, readers will most likely lose interest. If you've got something new and amazing to be unveiled a bit later on then at least try to foreshadow such things in one way or the other. It doesn't need to be big, just something to look forward to.

"Squirt Squirtle Squirt" As he nods his head.

This should be in past tense like the rest of the fic. There are other ones like this there too, so you should read through at least once and fix them. Also, a number of the words you used have been censored, so you'll really have to find acceptable replacements for those. Overall, you've got a whole bunch of grammatical and stylistic problems here, so I'll just go through them in the order of reading:

As the crowed roared, he fell to the ground. His eyes started to fill with water, but he wouldn't let the tears fall out. As he ran his fingers through his sweaty, hair he stammered
"I.... I can't believe... I finally made it...."

His eyes started to fill with...water? o.O That phrase is just plain weird. That should be "His eyes started to water" or "His eyes started to fill with tears (of joy)" or something to that effect. For his eyes to be filling up with water he'd have to be forcing them open while sticking them under a shower or other steady flow of water or have some freaky injection equipment pumping it right into the eye. Either way, he'd probably end up with permanent damage to said eye and I assume that this was not the picture you were trying to create. Also, there should be no spaces after the "..." notation. Also, the "..." between the two 'I's could be replaced with a hiphon (-) as that is a more proper stammering/stuttering/searching for words notation.


Darkness


*Beeyong Beeeeyong Beeeyong*

Repeat after me: the asterisk notation is baaaaad. Seriously, don't use it. Ever. That notation belongs in movie/play scripts only, and this is neither of those two. It's a sound like any other so you can place it in quotation marks. Also, the 'Darkness' bit's whole building-of-suspense thing could be improved by adding "..." to the end.


The alarm next to his bed went off. He reached over and slammed the snooze button with a sort of exclusive hate. "Not now," he thought, "Not now....I almost caught him"

'Exclusive hate' is a nice phrase, but it could do with a little elaborating. Why does he reserve an exclusive hate for this particular alarm klock? There's no need to dwell long on it, but maybe something along the lines of "He reached over and slammed the snooze button with the kind of exclusive hate which he reserved for ". Also, don't use the same notation for both thoughts and speech. That's bound to make it very confusing for the reader. Instead, you could try denoting thoughts by cursive, maybe with single quotation marks (') around it to separate it from the rest. Also, the fade-out '...' notation would also suit the first part of the thought better. Like so:

[I]'Not now...' he thought, 'Not now....I almost caught him...'


Just as the sweet silence of sleep returned to welcome him home, *Knock knock knock*


See my earlier comment about asterisk notations. Also, just cutting of the sentence like that gives it a terribly rushed feel. You should finish it properly with something along the lines of Just as the sweet silence of sleep returned to welcome him home, the unmistakable sound of someone knocking on the door came to prevent the reunion." or preferably something more elegant.


"Andrew, Honey time to get up," from a firm yet gentle voice "Today's your big day"

"from a firm yet gentle voice"...what came from the voice? o.O You can't start a sentence with from unless you add in something like 'came' later on. Also, 'Honey' should not have the first letter capitalized, that's only for real names or words at the beginnig of a sentence. Your punctuation also needs revising. The first bit should be something along the lines of:


"Andrew, honey, time to get up."

or


"Andrew! Honey! Time to get up!"

Depending on the way in which his mum goes about the bussiness of waking him up. The way you put it originally was implying that it was "honey time to get up.", and I can't exactly see there being honey time in any part of the text. Be careful with your punctuation or people will end up misinterpreting what you say. Wars have been started over single misplaced commas, you know.

Andrew jumped out of bed as though he was on fire, right into his Nikes and threw on a jacket as he asked, "Mom am I late?".

Okay, this sentence is a bit messed up. You should sort it out like so:


Andrew jumped out of bed and right into his Nikes as though he was on fire, (quickly) throwing on a jacket as he asked "Mom am I late?".

Remember, the words on both sides of the comma (unless it's a list) should each be comprehensible in their own right, but "Right into his Nikes and threw on a jacket as he asked" obviously isn't so it needs to be changed. I'm sorry I can't give you the proper rule on this one, though, but I'm sure that any given guide on the subject should have it. Also, it strikes me as a bit odd that someone who was having such morning slowness and trouble waking up suddenly jumps out of bed as if he was on fire. A bit of elaboration could be in order, as in a sidenote (Don't you dare add it in brackets, though! xO) about him suddenly remembering what "big day" his mother was referring to or something similar, maybe a bit of confusion before it as one's memory (or at least mine) isn't exactly at its quickest early in the morning. Also, you haven't really given much information about his clothes; we have no idea of what colours they are to begin with, and judging by this description his naked from the waist down (Except for his feet) as he, apparently, has no pants (or underwear) and there is no mention of him wearing a pyjamas or some similar piece of clothing, which creates a rather disturbing first impression. o.O


"No," his mom replied "you don't have to be there until 10 right?"

Add a comma after "until 10". Questions like that should have commas before the last bit, shouldn't they?


"Right", he confirmed, glancing at the clock, which read 6:11. He thought to himself, "Might as well get ready while I'm up" forgetting he asked her to wake him up early. Stepping out of his shoes he tossed his half on jacket to the bed.

Still sporting his morning wood he poked his head through the slightly ajar door, and scanned the dark hallway to make sure his mom was not still around. He quickly made his way to the bathroom.

The first sentence here seems a bit awkwardly put together. The comma after "Right" is redundant, so remove it. You could also remove the "which read" bit from there and add the information to the character's thoughts to give it a better flow. Also, don't refer to the character in the same manner many times in a row, it gets repetitive very quickly. Use alternative but equivalent expressions like "Andrew", "the boy", "the youth" etc. Also, don't start a sentence with "He thought to himself" as that would refer to a thought which had already been explained earlier. Write the first part of the thought itself first, then "he thought" and remove the capitalization since 'He' won't be the beginning of the sentence anymore. The "forgetting he asked her to wake him up early" is not only missing both a "that" and a "had", but also seems redundant. It has no bearing on anything else and, quite frankly, Andrew isn't acting like someone who's been pulled out of bed at 6 AM without knowing that he would be. If he had been doing something like grumbling about being pulled up at such an hour the sentence would have some meaning. But this not being the case, it's better to remove it alltogether. Also, the last sentence really makes little sense at all, not only from a grammatical point of view but also in terms of logic. In the last sentence he just decided to get ready and the next thing he does is kick off his shoes and toss his jacket on the bed? I'm sorry, but could you explain the reason for this controversy? o.O Also, the way you put it the last sentence means that Andrew throws his half of some undefined object or substance on a "jacket to the bed". First of all, you don't throw something 'to' an inanimate object. You throw something 'to' a person when you're expecting that person to catch it, but when you're just throwing it with the aim of just hitting something then you're throwing the object 'at' the target and in this case you are throwing the object "onto" the bed, as you are not only aiming to hit but also want the object to stay there. These differences are important. Also, there's no such thing as a 'half-on' jacket (And even if there was it would call for a hiphon between 'half' and 'on'), so remove the "half on" bit. Also, the next paragraph could be melded with this one, as it's really nothing more than a quick description of him sneaking off to the bathroom, which, content-wise, isn't much. Also...morning wood? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the expression. Unless they're important for the setting you should avoid using culture-based terms and expressions in your writing, there audience here consists of a wide variety of nationalities and there are those who'll miss your point, no matter how clear it is to you. Finally, poking your head through the door is a very painful procedure...not to mention that it also causes damage to the door itself, requires a very hard and/or sharp head, and is rather pointless if it's already ajar, anyway. You can poke your head through a doorway, but unless you're concretely bashing through the door with your forehead then poking through the door is impossible, so edit that. Also, 'ajar' can't be used just like any normal adjective. You can say that something 'is ajar' but 'ajar' itself isn't an attribute. In short, this should look more like...


"Right." the boy confirmed, glancing at the klock. '6:11...' he thought for himself, 'Might as well get ready while I'm up.'. Stepping out of his shoes, he threw his jacket onto the bed and, still sporting his morning wood, poked his head out through the space left by the door, which was still slightly ajar, to make sure that his mom wasn't around. Having seen no-one, he then quickly made his way to the bathroom.

Finally, you could maybe describe Andrew's home a bit. Are they middle class? Wealthy? Poor? Judging by the way money is seen as an issue I'd say poor or lower middle class, but describing their home is a very effective way of mirrorring the family and it's social status as well. The setting, regardless of how you describe it, can be very important for a story's appeal. You don't need to get ridiculously detailed about it, but a general picture of the house would be nice. ^^

As Andrew brushed his teeth he stared at himself in the mirror. Standing at an even 6ft, and weighing a muscular 195, he applied lotion to his brown skin. Picking out his semi afro (Think Kobe before his trial) He looked into his own piercing light brown eyes while stroking his skin tight goatee stated "I'm so fine..." now smiling "I just need to learn how to keep a girl".

And this would be your character's description...well, it's a passable technique, even if it looks a bit chunky. Later on, you might want to try a bit more of a step-by-step approach to descriptions to fit them more smoothly into the story. Still, feet over 'ft', please, and I really don't get how he can see his own weight in the mirror, nor why it's relevant to the story. Don't waste space on unnecessary information like that unless it will become relevant later on. Just a description of his outward appearance would do here. Also, don't start of consecutive sentences too similarly. Here, you've got two ones starting with an ing-form "Standing at an even 6ft..." and "Picking out his semi afro", that gives your text a repetitive tone which gets very boring very fast. English is a flexible language so make use of alternative ways of expression. Also, I'd advice you to avoid adding side comments in brackets as those disrupt the flow of your story and make it look rushed, particularly when you make a direct comment to the reader. Unless that's the style of the story's narrator, which it isn't in this case, and remains consistent throughout the fanfic then don't do it at all. Furthermore, combined words like semi-afro and skin-tight need a hiphon between the words to link them together. In the part about him stroking his goatee it's also wrong to use the form "stated" like you do currently. Either add an "and" in front of "stated" or add a comma before it and changed it to "stating".

Andrew is the type of person that puts up a front, an act, like he is indifferent, disinterested. People that aren't close to him tend to think that he doesn't care about them, whether it’s true or not.

This needs to be removed. Now. In it's entirety. This is what you'd expect to find in an RP sign-up's 'personality' field, but it's entirely unsuitable for a story. Your characters' personalities should come forth through their actions, thoughts, and words, not by the narrator going 'I say so, and that's that.'. When people say that your characters need personality, this is not what they mean.

Walking out of the bathroom fully dressed with a knot in his stomach Andrew heads down stairs. He sees his family sitting in the dinning room waiting for him with a feast for his big day.

"Uh…. hey, guys." He said smiling.

"Good morning honey" lovingly replied his mom.

"Andy," Exclaimed his 6-year-old brother, Nate who closely resembled him.


Add an 'and' between "dressed" and "with" and change the sentence to past tense, thank you. Jumping between tenses like this is a very bad habit and kind of makes one wonder about you not rushing the writing here. Also...his whole family is up and about at 6 AM and already have a feast prepared? o.O You'd think that they'd at least be a litte bit tired or something. Also, you haven't described this feast at all...a feast by who's standards? Is it some funky traditional feast involving inhumane treatment of animals or exotic dancing? Probably not, but add a bit of description just to eliminate confusion. Furthermore, since you referred to the whole family in the last sentence, you should once again refer to Andrew by his name instead of 'he', as it's no longer clear whom this 'he' is referring to. Also, I believe that you should add a comma after 'morning' in the mother's line, unless you want her making a comment about how they have good "morning honey", no, I don't know what morning honey is. Also, the "lovingly replied his mom" bit should be "his mom replied lovingly", adverbs always come after the verb, hence their name. Also note that we still have no idea of what Andrew's mother looks like. Not to say that it's the most essential thing or something like that, but at least a bit of description would be nice. Moving on...Andrew has a brother...who's only six years old but still resembles him? Umm...this might seem like a stupid question, but how can a six-year old have a goatee (Like Andrew does)? I also doubt that they'd dress indentically, and this seems a bit like a cheap attempt at slipping past descriptions. If they were of comparable ages then it would be more plausible, but this not being the case, I'm just not buying it. At the very least you could describe the ways in which the similarity fails. Also, add another comma after "Nate" and replace the comma in his line with an exclamation mark. If Nate is exclaiming something then there should be an exclamation mark. Pretty obvious when you think about it, ne? ^-^

"Yeah?"

"Who are you gonna to bring home today?" He asked in a very inquisitive manner.

"I duhno, who ever the Professor wants to give me" Almost as soon as he said that, he noticed the saddening look on Nates’ face and quickly responded, "Well who do you want?"

"I like Charmander, but I like Treecko more."

"Why do you like him more?"

"Well, because he’s cool and he’s green and I could play with him" Answered Nate.

"Enough" shouted their dad. "I do not and will not support this"

Okay...to many 'he's here. Maybe you could add something like "Andrew asked" after the "Yeah?" bit. That way you could then refer to Nate as "his brother" in the next line (The 'he' then logically referring to the line before). The "duhno" should also be replaced with the correct "Dunno'". Furthermore, since Nate didn't say anything in between, you can't really say that Andrew 'responded' to anything, so that should be replaced with 'continued'. You should also add exclamation marks to both parts of the dad's phrase, especially since you state that he shouted the words, and quotations should always end with punctuation, so add a full stop to Nate's answer. The dad is also not described at all, and I find it kind of odd that he hasn't objected earlier, or that he bothered to drag himself out of bed at 6AM and didn't oppose the whole feasting bit. Maybe you could at least add a remark about Andrew's dad looking grumpy/displeased as Andrew comes down the stairs? Considering the whole knot-in-the-stomach thing, I also find it weird that there isn't really any description of what's going on inside Andrew's head here either. A situation like this would be a great opportunity to bring out some more of Andrew's personality and family relations.

Andrew responded "I have done everything you asked until this point. I worked at the store, I got good grades, and I joined the team. It’s time for you to let me go. It’s not your choice anymore."

"Stay here and work at the store we need help." His dad said angrily across the table.

Andrew said with haste "I WILL help you I’ll send money as often as I can."

"Andrew responded" does not belong in the beginning of the sentence. I'd suggest splitting the quote after "until this point" (Which should, incidentally, be "up to this point") and inserting the responding bit there instead. Also, in a loaded situation like this it would be suitable to add an adjective like "tensly" after "Andrew responded" to bring forth the tone of Andrew's words.

Concerning his father's response...this quote could be split into two after "Stay here and work". Also, "said angrily" is a bit of a tame phrase considering the circumstances. Maybe something along the lines of "persisted furiously" (Gives off the impression of a guy who just won't give up his case) would be more effective? You could also bring out their feelings with body language like folded arms and the like. For the third paragraph here...once again, you're starting the sentence out wrong. First the quote, then "said" is the normal order, there is a way to reverse it but that isn't it and I don't have the rule at hand so I won't reccomend that. Once again, I'd suggest a split of the quote, this time after "I WILL help you" and for both sentences, remember to add exclamation marks at the ends of the quotes. Also, "responed with haste" would sound better as "responded hastily", so I'd suggest changing that.

"Send money? Send money?" said Andrews father "Do you know the success rate of trainers? How do you even know you’ll get money? You’ve never even had a Pokemon and your 17. You don’t need to go. Call Oak and tell him--"

"Just cause you didn’t know what the heck you were doing, and your Pokemon hated you doesn’t mean I’ll be the same. Where is Machoke anyway? Oh yeah he RAN AWAY. " Andrew interrupted. Looking at his cell phone "It’s 8:30, I gotta go, I don’t wanna miss the bus. And no mom I don’t want a ride." Andrew gets up irritated "Thanks for the food Ma, Seeya Nate " Walks to the front door, turns back, smiles, and walks out.

On the send money bit, you could increase the effect by adding exclamation marks after the question marks and, possibly, writing the second "Send money?" in capital letters. Also, "said" is a way too mellow expression for this, try something more along the lines of "protested", "yelled", or "bellowed". It gives a far better feel of the boiling tempers here. On Andrew's bit, I'd suggest adding an 'it' between "you" and "doesn't" and splitting the quote after "doesn't mean I'll be the same.", with something like "Andrew retorted" in between. Also, some more exclamation marks would be in order here, more or less for everything except the question. Some emotively charged adjectives would also be nice here, as would a bit of description of what Nate and Andrew's mother are doing while these two argue. Furthermore, you've slipped into present tense here once again, so correct that. "Seeya" should be "See ya'!", "Ma" should not have the first letter capitalized, and I really can't picture someone arguing it out like that and then suddenly turning around at the door and smiling at everyone. Well, unless that someone is suffering from some kind of personality disorder, that is.

Andrew’s mom looks at his dad "**** it James".

"What Allison" James said shocked "You should know just as well as anybody that just because he wants it doesn’t mean he’ll get it. Everybody wants to be a trainer or a master. Making him think it is an absolute will not help—"

"Shut up".

Well, this exchange is...awkward to say the least. First off, there's the issue of your censored naughty-word, you need to replace that with something, obviously. Also, "What Allison" needs a comma between the two words and a question mark, possibly also an exclamation mark, at the end, and the "Shut up." part is...well, it certainly doesn't sound very fitting for someone who's been described as "gentle" this far, I'd seriously suggest coming up with a better end for the argument.

Andrew, now out of his house looks up at the partially cloudy sky. "Hmmm warmer then I thought it would be." He said gladly. Looking over his right shoulder seeing the Pokemart his Dad owns wonders to himself "Why do we own that? No trainers even through here. This **** place is too **** small." The City, a small suburb of Viridian City is called Emerald. Less than 1000 people live there but almost everybody know Andrew because of his work at the Mart and his attitude on the High school basketball court, almost like he wouldn’t take losing for an answer.

Once again you've slipped into present tense, but you already know what I think about that. Also, I find it a bit strange that, with a particularly cloudy sky and all, the first thing he talks about to himself is how it's warmer than he though. Maybe you could preceed that with a comment about how it will probably start raining or something and then attach it to the original with something like "but at least it's warmer than I thought it would be.". Still, I can't picture him being particularly glad after just having had an argument with his dad. Other notes include that "everybody" is a singular form, so it should be "almost everybody knows" or, actually, "almost everybody knew", although I can't even begin to imagine how he, at the age of seventeen, has already gotten to know almost a thousand people, especially since you noted that people rarely visit the pokémart. Try putting in some realism, I doubt that you know anywhere near 1000 people either.

Walking slowly he looks at his phone and sees 8:40 and being late he runs for the bus as fast as he can. "Crap, after all that I’m still going to mss the bus. Please be late please be late." He chanted as though he could control the bus.

He turned a corner scared that there would be no bus. But to his surprise the bus is sitting there engine running. Deciding not to waste anymore time, Andrew sprints the last hundred yards and gets on the big white and black bus with blue and red seats. Stepping on the bus, Andrew smiles at the driver, "Thanks for waiting man. I really appreciate it."

"Oh, it was nothing. Your dad called and I owed him a favor anyway."

Andrews smile left his face. "My dad, huh?".

And more present tense...really, kick the habit. It's bad for you. -.- Just pick one tense and stick with it, third person past tense is the easiest one to work with, I'd say. Also, I find it a bit odd that he's "walking slowly" even though mere moments before he was fretting about missing the bus. Maybe skip that part, you really don't need to give any more references to what time it is. Also, on the "Please be late" bit, I'd suggest adding in a third "Please be late" and separating them from each other with triple dots. The rule of three is a practically ancient stylistic trick, but works surprisingly well if you don't overdo it. Somehow if you repeat something twice it sounds better than only repeating it once...go figure. xD

Anyway, you "turn around" a corner unless you are strong enough to turn the whole corner around by hand, so add a "turned" to that part. "anymore" should be separated into "any more". They don't mean the same thing, and in this case you picked the wrong one. Furthermore, indicate that it's the bus driver responding to Andrew by splitting up the quote after "It was nothing" and adding something like "the bus driver replied" in between. The transition from here to the end of the bus trip is also a bit too sudden, you should at least try to create some closure of this 'scene' with something like "Without waiting for a reply he sat down at the back of the bus, staring impatiently out of the window and wishing that it was already moving.", although how he behaves during the trip is of coure up to you to decided.


The bus stopped outside the new Museum that read "Ketchum Pokemon and Natural History Museum" Andrew looked at the clock on his Phone, "9:35, I gotta go where's my map at?" Just as he pulls out his map he turns around, looks up, and sees a sign that says "Oaks Lab this way^ New trainer day!!!".

"Uh… I guess I should go that way."

Walking towards the lab Andrew sees this huge crowd, gathered for what he thinks is for him. Glancing at his clock he notices it is 9:50 "I gotta get in there."

More present tense...really, see my earlier comments on that. -.-

Anyway...the museum reads something or the other? The whole museum? Don't you think that I sign or something would do? o.O Once again, there's not even a description of the environment, not even said museum, so you should really expand on that to give the reader a better feel of your story. You might see it all clearly before your eyes, but the rest of us don't, so anything that isn't there in the words won't be there at all in our minds. Also, remove the '^' from the sign, just state that there was an arrow on it pointing in the direction of [Insert description here]. Once again, you're placing too much emphasis on the time and too little on everything else, including the thoughts and feelings of Andrew.

After fighting through the crowd, and sprints up the stairs and busts through the front door.

"Andrew you made it. I thought you weren’t coming!"

"Yeah Bryan I made it. Where is Oak? "
Bryan answers "I think he was talking with Gary."

Bryan is Andrew’s cousin. He is also a gifted athlete. He is almost as good at basketball as Andrew is despite being 2 years younger.

Wow...Bryan is so well described.[/Sarcasm] Really, if Bryan is going to be important for the plot later on he's definitely going to need some manner of description, it's not enough to just describe the main character and let everyone else make do without. Also, the paragraph beginning "Bryan is Andrew's cousin" could also do with being removed alltogether. Like I said before, don't lob out random chunks of background information for no apparent reason. Describing a bit of it is fine, but right now it would be far more essential to bring out Bryan's appearance and basic personality, both of which have been neglected completely, as has the description of their environment.

"Gary’s here?" Andrew said gasping for air, in the most excited voice Bryan has ever heard him use. "Maybe I can get my first badge today?"

Bryan and the 9 other people that Andrew failed to notice laughed at this. "I will beat him someday. Maybe sooner than all of you. Just remember my name. It’s Andrew, baby."

Professor Oak walks down the stairs from his private room, with Gary Oak close behind. "Who said that they’ll beat me?" Andrew raised his hand. "Hmm, Andrew right? Yeah I saw some of your games. You’re not that great. I hope you didn’t mean at Pokemon, because you will have no chance. Not even if you had a Mew" The crowd laughed at this, and Andrew had a smirk on his face.

"Yeah, whatever you say. Just don’t forget me."


You're overuse of 'said' is starting to bug...please, that was a question. So at least write "Andrew asked". Anyway, the '9' would look better as 'nine', typically small numbers like that are written in letters, because that looks just plain lazy. Besides your usual irreverence towards consistency of tense, I notice that Oak and Gary are also left without description...and no, that's not okay. So for goodness sake, write something about their appearance. Also, Gary being who he is, I doubt that he'd let someone like Andrew get the last word, probably cutting him down with a sarcasitc remark about that last phrase before walking away and acting all cool. Also, if the whole crowd is laughing at him, I find it rather odd that Andrew is smirking about it...I mean, you'd think that he'd be at least a bit more cold or embarassed in the way of expressions.

Clearing his throat Oak said" Ahhrm. Gary now that, that is out of the way, please go …don’t look at me like that just go I need to give them my speeches. "
"Well welcome to the wonderful world of Pokemon. As many of you know my name is Professor Oak some call me the leading…(I haven’t thought of what I want him to say)"

And this is about as far as I'm willing to comment. If you haven't thought out your first chapter yet, don't post it. That simple. You could have made a workaround of Andrew zoning out and not listening to Oak at that point, but the "I haven't thought of what I want him to say" just isn't going to cut it. Really, this fanfic needs work...much more than what I initially thought. Take a look at the suggestions I've already provided and we'll see...but I'm not getting my hopes up about this one. -.-

Aegis
May 27th, 2006, 03:01 PM
It was good. But I did find some stuff I feel compiled to adress..

You used 'Andrew' and 'He' for a lot of the sentence beginnings... which takes away a little from the actual story.

(Think Kobe before his trial)

That doesn't really flow with the rest of the story. See, not everybody will know who Kobe is, I for one don't. So it doesn't help to compare the two. Also, you should have enough detail so you won't have to give something like you did, it gives the sence that you didn't take much time writing this, which I'm not saying is true, I'm just saying that one part irked me slightly.

He tossed his half on jacket onto his bed

When I read that sentence it took me a minute or two to figure out what was going on. Better wording would have been nicer here. Maybe like... "He tossed his jacket, which was only half on his body, onto his unmade bed." or something like that.

After fighting through the crowd, and sprints up the stairs and busts through the front door.

"Andrew you made it. I thought you weren’t coming!"

"Yeah Bryan I made it. Where is Oak? "
Bryan answers "I think he was talking with Gary."

The first sentence in this, doesn't make sence. You don't have a subject. WHO is doing this? This isn't really a complete sentence, and doesn't flow at all. I noticed that the tense here isn't the same in all parts either, something else that might need to be adressed. Actually, I noticed through out the piece that the tense isn' the same. Maybe you could decide on a time frame?

I also noticed you never gave us an age. I just assumed he was 10 at the beggining, but when you said the things about the gotaee, I had to ponder on that. Maybe he is 19? 20? You left that open to the reader to decided, which could leave some major gaps later on.

The title has me stumped. What does it have to do with the story. Maybe you could rename it to a more suitable title.

There are several other things that I should adress. But Alter Ego has done that job already *pats Alter Ego on back*

I hope youll fix up this piece. I look foward to reading more.

kinmaj06
May 27th, 2006, 11:44 PM
I'm not a super reviewer who reviews every inch of the chappie, I just make a comment or two. That was pretty good overall, a few shaky bits here and there, but overall, pretty good. Try not to base it all on Pokemon, chuck in a Basketball game or two, a shootout or one-on-one situation every now and then, just to make it more original than you're zero to hero trainer story, if you know what I mean

blastoise>you
May 28th, 2006, 12:25 PM
Thanks for the review Alter Ego, and others but since I was making mistakes most people in basic writing classes don't make, I will have to practice a bit more. And if I ever come back to this and it's any better, AE will be the one I thank because of his detailed review.

Alter Ego
August 1st, 2006, 06:08 AM
ProtrainerEon, please don't revive threads this old. -__- It's been dead way over a month and the author has already stated that he most probably won't continue with the story. If you desperately need to talk with him about it then send him a PM, but otherwise, let dead threads remain dead, m'kay? I'm afraid I'm going to have to report this.

Sylphiel
August 1st, 2006, 06:34 AM
Looks like ProtrainerEon deleted his post. :x

Regardless, this is still a revived thread - and since it doesn't seem to meet the standards for revival in this forum, I'm closing this thread for now (unless the creator wants it opened again).

-closed-