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Kalylia
March 30th, 2006, 06:26 AM
Okay, this is probably one of the best poems I ever written, but it's also THE most depressing poem I've ever written. So, fair warning. I wrote this during a time when I thought something had happened that really hadn't. I was quite scared at the time.

Miss Capulet Takes Her Knife

And your promise lies broken on the floor.
My agonized fists pound at my door.
I want to get out, but there's nowhere to go.
My life is ending like a bad picture show.
You broke your promise. You love me no more,
Worse than a knife that cut me to the core.
You promised me, Love, promised you'd stay,
And now I can't stand this life another day.
My world swims around me, too tired to think.
I've been pushed o'er the edge, beyond the brink.
Why did you do it? Why did you lie?
Now all I can do it lay here and cry.
I'm too shocked to end it, too weak to stand,
Too drained to grab a knife and meet the demand.
Today is the day you said would never arrive.
And now it's here, my life's in a spiraling dive.
There is no way up, and there is no way out.
Can't you hear my soul scream, my heart shout?
Well now it's my turn, my twist in the game.
My blood pools around me, tears fall like rain.
I hope you're happy, glad of what you've done.
I hope when you ended your life, you had as much fin.
And even as I take my last breaths, fully aware
That you no longer love me, no longer care,
I remember I love you, and always had.
God, what happened to make this so bad?
But it's too late now, I guess we'll never know.
My fate has been sealed, and to heaven I go.
So much can go wrong in so little time.
No matter how hard we tell ourselves it's fine.
There's just too much hurt, too much pain.
I'm better off now, you drove me insane.
I don't feel anything, but it's taking too long,
I just want you back, want to write this wrong.
**** it, why did you have to leave me here
Begging to drown in my own blood and tears?
There's no hope for me now, no more chances.
I ruin everything, in all circumstances.
And you've left me here, so cold and alone,
Yet I keep praying for a ring from the phone.
My body's pale and shaking, wrists open wide.
I just wish you were here, but I know you died.
You can't blame me for wishing, for dreaming it so.
I should have gotten through, forced you to know
That my love was eternal and totally true.
But this is the end of me and you.
I can't fix it now, so why even try?
One more tear, one more breath, and I die.


And for those of you who like my work, I'll be posting all my poems from now on in the "Poems from the Soul (PG-16)" Thread. Please check it! I love hearing from all of you who read my work.

~*!*~Tatsujin Gosuto~*!*~
March 30th, 2006, 10:13 AM
Its a very good poem, but never start with And in the begging of a sentences.

:t003:Dark Venusaur

JX Valentine
March 30th, 2006, 12:11 PM
Its a very good poem, but never start with And in the begging of a sentences.

Don't take this personally, but I never liked to see reviewers who comment on grammar, only to violate points of mechanics themselves.

* It's ("Its" is a form of possessive pronoun. "It's" stands for "it is.")
* beginning (as opposed to "begging")
* sentence (as opposed to "a sentences")

That aside, not a bad poem, Phantom. You did well at bringing out the emotion of sorrow, and you did great at making the message clear enough to be understood. It's quite clear what your intent was (as in, channeling emotion into your words). Personally, though, I think it may have more impact if you used more imagery, but as it is, it's fine, especially for a rhyming poem with possibly no meter. (I can't tell. Does it have an intended form of rhythm?)

I'd also like to say that I found your use of the word "o'er" a bit unusual, especially since it's an archaic contraction that follows a modern one ("I've"). O_o Technically, both words ("over" and "o'er") can be considered to have two syllables each (depending on how you would pronounce "o'er" in the first place), so it might sound better if you just used "over."

Either way, not bad. Keep up the good work.

Kalylia
March 30th, 2006, 01:50 PM
*smiles* Thanks for the comment, Kazeto Tamashii!! My use of "o'er" actually threw me, too. Truth be told... Ehehe. I would have submitted it to the editorial half of myself, but I didn't want to mess with it. I wrote it during a time of great fear and sorrow, and out of respect for those feelings, I decided to leave it be.

But the English teacher side of me is begging to change a few things... :P