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View Full Version : [PG-13 - Mild Language] Non Demensia


Alistair
April 3rd, 2006, 12:42 PM
This is something I that started as a school assignment. PLEASE NOTE! I AM NOT LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGE CAUSED BY THIS STORY! Also, this is not supposed to make sence.

'Twas a quiet evening. It was ten AM and a baby was crying. The lightbulb in the lamp was shattered. Tim turned on the lamp and the room was instantly illuminated. "Uuuggghhh..." moaned Tim. He quietly went to the bathroom and examined himself in the mirror. He started brushing his eyeballs with Uranium-12. As he finished washing his nose with Helium-7, he slumped his way to the kitchen. While in the living room, Tim tripped on a picture frame that was on he ceiling. "Oh crap!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. The baby in the background stopped crying and started laughing at Tim. "Moron!" yelled the baby. A dog mysteriously appeared out of what appeared to be nowhere started peeing on Tim's leg. "Get away from me you asshead!" yelled Tim. The cat scurried away and vanished into the hole in the hole in the hole in the hole in the wall. Tim mumbled something complete ununderstandable. He mumbled "§ÿþǕτρσωψ," which translates into something in Russian. He stumbled his way accross the garage floor and somehow ended up in New York City. Tim lives in China. "What the hell!?" yelled Tim as some level 24 Theif stole his morning dishsoap. Tim was mad. Lighning was coming out of his ears and his face turned a bright shade of cube.
This ends part one.

NOTE: The part about his face turning a shade of cube is an inside joke. Please do not ask about. It is inside for a reason.

Munashii
April 4th, 2006, 12:36 AM
Okay. I'll be blunt here:

This story is fairly ameteur. First, if you want to say "Tim lives in China" you might like to put in more detail, for heaven's sake!
Example: "He brushed by his window, which was well decorated by red paper lanterns, a sign to him every morning that he was in China."

Second, there is a misspelling in there which fairly agitates me. You must reverse the 'i' and the 'e' in 'theif'. And 'lighning' is spelled 'LIGHTNING'. Chances say the 'lighning' mistake was a typographical error but the 'theif' mistake is a pure innocent mistake made by many people.

Third, put in a new paragraph every time there is another person speaking.

Fourth, 99.99999999% of the babies on Earth can't speak, let alone have such a mature attitude. But I believe what you said about "this story not making any sence." However, 'sence' is actually spelled 'sense'.

Fifth, I don't see a tint about where the heck your story is going.

Don't worry about my harsh comments too much, though. I've seen worse :p. And please realize that I'm not meaning to be mean.