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code zerro the deluge
April 4th, 2006, 06:44 AM
Why am I fighting to live when I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see when there is nothing in sight
Why am I trying to give when no one even try's
Why am I dieng to live when I'm just living to die

Screw it
Shoot cap first I blew it
SStaying around tot he music
Hard times and struggle
It is a bundle
Trying to here through the rubble
Like a panther I walk by
Hoping the next day I don't die

Why am I fighting to live when I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see when there is nothing in sight
Why am I trying to give when no one even try's
Why am I dieng to live when I'm just living to die

Can you see it
Befrore it is to late
Name the date
I could lose a little wight
Gain a little muscle
God is not done with me yet
I stop and stare and wonder
Would I be the same with myreal dad and mother
But ok take
Better life style wild
See the light and hit this
Cap back and to fast stripped it
Dingnity pride and liberty
Make it out before you see me
Try and get it in
In the den
Ling won't help you in the end

Why am I fighting to live when I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see when there is nothing in sight
Why am I trying to give when no one even try's
Why am I dieng to live when I'm just living to die

Why am I fighting to live when I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see when there is nothing in sight
Why am I trying to give when no one even try's
Why am I dieng to live when I'm just living to die

phantom_zangetsu
April 5th, 2006, 04:31 AM
well, izat even a poem dude? its....err...ok..pretty nice for a rapping song though! some spelling errors i saw, so ill give it 76/100....
try to give it more powerful emotions! and maybe add some deep words.

code zerro the deluge
April 5th, 2006, 05:12 AM
thanx a lot. so is that a c?

phantom_zangetsu
April 5th, 2006, 06:38 AM
well...more on a B- for short.

code zerro the deluge
April 5th, 2006, 08:06 AM
ohh ok thanx again. so a b

Kalylia
April 6th, 2006, 01:25 PM
Why am I fighting to live when I'm just living to fight?
Why am I trying to see when there is nothing in sight?
Why am I trying to give when no one even tries?
Why am I dying to live when I'm just living to die?

Screw it!
Shoot cap first I blew it!
Staying around to the music
Hard times and struggle,
It is a bundle.
Trying to here through the rubble
Like a panther I walk by
Hoping the next day I don't die

Why am I fighting to live when I'm just living to fight?
Why am I trying to see when there is nothing in sight?
Why am I trying to give when no one even tries?
Why am I dying to live when I'm just living to die?

Can you see it?
Befrore it is to late
Name the date
I could lose a little weight
Gain a little muscle
God is not done with me yet
I stop and stare and wonder
Would I be the same with my real dad and mother
But, ok, take
Better life style wild
See the light and hit this
Cap back and to fast stripped it
Dingnity pride and liberty
Make it out before you see me
Try and get it in
In the den
Lying won't help you in the end

Why am I fighting to live when I'm just living to fight?
Why am I trying to see when there is nothing in sight?
Why am I trying to give when no one even tries?
Why am I dying to live when I'm just living to die?

Why am I fighting to live when I'm just living to fight?
Why am I trying to see when there is nothing in sight?
Why am I trying to give when no one even tries?
Why am I dying to live when I'm just living to die?

Those are my thoughts in the bold. Just fixes, things that should be there that aren't. Other than that, well, it wasn't a very emotionally stirring poem. A good rap, but then again, I was never fond of rap. *laughs* You're getting better, though! Keep it up!

code zerro the deluge
April 7th, 2006, 04:32 AM
thanx. so what would you give it?

oni flygon
April 7th, 2006, 07:23 AM
thanx. so what would you give it?
The greatest reward you can get are corrections for your mistakes, not scores. ;D

Personally, I think it's better than your older ones. Still need to work on spelling and how you separate your lines because each break of a line means a pause. Also, your rhymes sound a bit forced, some in the middle of sentences, some in the end, which kind of makes it awkward... but however you want to make it sound like... just keep improving.

Lily
April 7th, 2006, 12:51 PM
Scoring by numbers is so superficial.

I thought I saw significant improvement, judging from the first stanza (the third line, IMO, was a little off). The rest were..eh, your style, alright, but it could've been better. You just need to work on the mechanics, rhyme, and some awkward wordings.

*copies Niko* Just keep improving. >D

code zerro the deluge
April 10th, 2006, 03:33 AM
ok thanx and I will. I mest up rhe name.