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BlisseysCharizard
April 12th, 2006, 04:43 PM
Chapter 1, New Adventure
Ash is alone in Pallet Town, May said he would Join him, while Max was old enough to get a Pokemon Trainer License, He chose a Torchic, in Honor Of May. he Would stay in Hoenn. Misty's Sisters have come back from there World Trip and they said they would Take over at the Gym while she can go on here next Pokemon Adventure with Ash and Brock's Brother is too sick to take care of the gym, so Brock must take over in the mean time. Ash is about to leave with May, when.....

Misty: Ash! Ash!
Ash: Misty, what are you doing here?
Misty: My Sister's came back from their World Cruise, so they will take over the gym in the mean time. I can be on your adventure with you!
Ash & May: That's Great!

Later, In At a Diner in Viridian City, Ash, Misty, and May are having a Conversation

Misty: So Ash, waht did you do in Hoenn?
Ash: Well, I won all 8 badges in Hoenn and I competed in the Elite 4! I came so close to winning, but I didn't.
Misty: Sorry, Ash. And May, what did you do with Ash in Hoenn?
May: I competed in Contest halls and won All 5 Ribbons! I then competed in the grand Festival. I beat my very mean Rival Harley, but lost To Someone named Drew. It sounded like he had a crush on me. Anyway, It's okay I lost to him because he was beaten in the next round.
Misty: Very Interesting.
Ash & May: We Met Some Legendaries on the way!
Misty, Lightly chokes on her food when Ash and may tell her all the Lengendaries they met. When She here's the name Kyogre she is so exciting!
Misty: Kyogre?
May: Yes Kyogre!
Misty: I always wanted a Kyogre! My sisters said they saw one on there World Trip. They even had a Picture Sent to me. it was so Cute
May & Ash: And Deadly
Misty: What did you say?
May & Ash: Nothing
Waiter: Here is your bill
Ash: I'll Pay
May & Misty: Thanks

Coming Soon
Chapter 2
Brock And Pewter City History
Even though that sounded G rated, I got a bunch more where that came from, so stay tooned!

oni flygon
April 12th, 2006, 08:12 PM
Well... this isn't surely the best scriptfic out there and several elements of a good scriptfic are missing from your story. Several actions are not quite as detailed... but otherwise, I advice that you read these threads and please do improve on your next try. If you don't improve, I'm afraid I'll have to follow the Fanfiction Forum policy...

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=46646
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=27806

Also, I don't think the "You Chose The Ending" thing can work out... How are you supposed to continue on if people don't vote or too many people vote with inconsistent results?

BlisseysCharizard
April 14th, 2006, 04:18 AM
Chapter 2
Brock and Pewter City History (Rated PG For Cursings Blocked out)

On there way up to Pewter City, May, Misty, and Ash noticed something about the Viridan Forest, There was a gym right in the middle of it. And, sure enough, it was the Pewter City Gym. As they went in they all called out BROCK! in the gym, Ash Noticed Something, The Gym just had wooden floor boards instead of rock and the only thing that seperated the pokemon while battling were just a few pebbles. Then they Noticed Brock.

Brock: Hello Everybody!
May, Misty, and Ash: Hi Brock!
Ash: Brock, what has happened here?
Brock: When I got back from the Hoenn region, I noticed that Pewter Gym was destroyed by another earthquake. Then I guessed it, Aerodactyl. See, Aerodactyl has been changing the way We form our town. And This time, everyone saw it. The Only Thing that was destroyed was the Gym and this was the biggest gym ever made in Pewter. So, it would take about 25 more years to re-open the Gym, so I had to Build it here, on a low budget, in the Viridan Forest.
TEAM ROCKET ATTACKS FROM BEHIND!!!!!

Jeese: To Protect the world from Devestation
James: To unite all peoples with in our nation
Jesse: To announce the evils of truth andlove
James: To extend our reach to the stars above
Jesse: Jesse
James: James
Jesse: Team Rocket's Blasting off at the speed of light!
James: Surrender now or prepare to fight!
Meowth: That's Right!

Jesse: Now give us the Gym, or will destroy it trying
Misty, Ash, May, and Brock: Like You Will you ******* Ogres!
Jesse: That Does It! Dustox and Seviper! Go!
Seviper and Dustox Cry
James: You To Cacnea and Chimecho!
Both Pokemon Cry and Turn back to James
James: Attack The Enemy, not me!
Misty: Gyarados, Go!
Ash: Pikachu, I choose You!
May: Go! Beautifly!
Brock: Go! Crobat
All Pokemon Cry
Brock: Crobat, Wing Attack!
Ash: Pikachu, give um a Thunderbolt!
May: Beautifly, Silver Wind!
Misty: Gyarados, Hyper Beam!

All of the Pokemon Use there attacks, which Knock Out Team Rocket and Their Pokemon, and send them Basting Off Again!

Team Rocket: Looks Like Team Rocket is Blasting Off Again!

Later, about the Time To Leave, They say there goodbyes To Brock and go toward Mt. Moon.....WHEN!


To Be Continued!


The Next One Will be Real Good! So Stay Tooned!
Coming Soon!
Capter 3:
Misty's Magic

Lily
April 14th, 2006, 05:32 AM
...Can you not read what Akinari's post says? x_x ChanseysCharizard, bluntly stated, your work is poorly done with little to no transition and correct grammar mechanics. The plot also seems rushed/trite. There are hardly any descriptions, even for a script fic, and everything is just..blah. Put on together without any formation. =/

oni flygon
April 14th, 2006, 05:08 PM
Well, since you obviously didn't show any improvement, I'm afraid I'll have to close this...


*CLOSED*