PDA

View Full Version : Are You The One For Me?


Persona
April 15th, 2006, 06:11 PM
yup, got back to love poems.

Could you be the one for me?
Could you be my find?
Could it be, after all this time,
Fate is going to be kind?

Could you be the one for me,
The one to help me forget
The girl that broke my heart, my soul
The girl that haunts me yet?

You tell me that I'm wonderful
Something I've never heard
But the one still lives here in my mind
That couldn't spare a kind word

It's going to be hard to forget
And pick up the pieces she left
Could you be the one to teach
How to love again and forget?

Could you be the one to come
And mend my broken heart?
Are you willing to piece together
What another broke apart?

It won't be an easy job, you see
My road has been long and rough
And the heart that was once so soft
Is now shut, locked, and tough

But I can feel my heart open again
It's opening for you
Just come in, and love me back
That's all you have to do

I must ask you one small thing
Before we kiss and part
Please be nice and kind to me
I'm tired of broken hearts

Kylie-chan
April 15th, 2006, 07:25 PM
¤♥♦♫♀♫♦♥¤♥♦♫♫♀♫♦♥¤♥♦♫♀♫♦¤

That's a very pretty poem you've written there! ^^; However, there are a few issues I just don't like. ^^;;;

It's not really consistent, is it? I mean... you started out with repetition, and then you kinda... stopped? Also, the last verse... I really like it, but the phrase "nice and kind" jars a bit, don't you think? ^^; Also, you used "forget" twice in one of the verses, and it just doesn't seem right. Lastly, you used "part" and hearts" as a rhyme twice... ^_^;;;

You might just wanna play around with some of those words =3

¤♥♦♫♀♫♦♥¤♥♦♫♫♀♫♦♥¤♥♦♫♀♫♦¤

Persona
April 15th, 2006, 07:29 PM
¤♥♦♫♀♫♦♥¤♥♦♫♫♀♫♦♥¤♥♦♫♀♫♦¤

That's a very pretty poem you've written there! ^^; However, there are a few issues I just don't like. ^^;;;

It's not really consistent, is it? I mean... you started out with repetition, and then you kinda... stopped? Also, the last verse... I really like it, but the phrase "nice and kind" jars a bit, don't you think? ^^; Also, you used "forget" twice in one of the verses, and it just doesn't seem right. Lastly, you used "part" and hearts" as a rhyme twice... ^_^;;;

You might just wanna play around with some of those words =3

¤♥♦♫♀♫♦♥¤♥♦♫♫♀♫♦♥¤♥♦♫♀♫♦¤

ya, it wasn't one of my better ones. i kinda rushed this one, which i shouldn't have done ^^'

thanx for the comment.

Lily
April 15th, 2006, 07:35 PM
Using words twice in a rhyme shouldn't be an issue, nor should the lack of consistent repetition be. It's really up to the poet. I thought it went well, so as long as you fix those awkward sounding phrases.

The first part, at most, flowed smoothly until your rhythm suddenly decreased in its steady nature. Read it over yourself; you can find out the uneven beat by ear.

Overall, the poem's certainly satisfactory and mediocre, albeit lacking when it comes down to polishing things up. Best of luck on your next installment, then.