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View Full Version : My best ever w00t (want replies)


lighterhead2001
April 3rd, 2004, 09:36 AM
When she woke up from her endless seaming dream
The dream of the first world
She realized she could not fight back the truth anymore.

A wave of deep desire broke over her soul.
The desire to become a whole.

The mist of the morning covered her skin
When she left that day

She ran away from home
Left everything behind
She knew she was all alone.

Her steps in the frozen grass were soundless and free.
The sun refused to shine and the angels were watching her closely

She was moving fast.
To fast?

Her way was long, seemed endless to her.
Nobody there to help.
The prints of her bare feet in the snow of a dark trail.
Scared!

She ran and ran
Leaving everything behind
til she reached the point that fate had led her.

A man! A demon! What face did she see!
What pain in her soul!
He had been set free of her darkest dreams

The girl yelled out
She did not know why
Master, master yours I am.

My knowledge will cost you a lot.
More then you can ever give.
Said the master calmly and sad
It will end your life quick, Id rather not.

The girl was possessed
She had to know
stayed on her knees for days in the snow.

Then the day came
The master could not resist

He showed her all
Thought her all
All he knew.

She tried to scream
But her soul was lost!
The blood of Christ in her tears.

The price?

Tradidit in mortem
animam suam
et inter sceleratos
reputates est.

Accingite vos sa cerdotes,
et plangite ministry altaris
Aspergite vos cinere.

tell me what you think

coco
April 3rd, 2004, 06:03 PM
*sniff* that was beautiful, man
i really liked it

lighterhead2001
April 3rd, 2004, 06:21 PM
why thanks hehe *sniff* someone likes it hehe

Blaine
April 22nd, 2004, 11:54 AM
Hmm... You begin with freestyle and go into rhyming... When writing poetry, stick to one style. It will confuse the reader less. The flow is rather systematic... But I like the rawness of the piece. With practice, your style will improve. Sorry... Please don't be angry with me for this...

John Denver
April 24th, 2004, 11:55 AM
I agree with blaine, there's even some typos. It is pretty good, not amazing but good. If you stuck to a set rythmn and didn't change from sonnet to limerick a whole lot....

But it's good...good...not great...but good...