PDA

View Full Version : Feebas--->Milotic (Contest 1)


pkmnfan_06
April 30th, 2006, 11:15 AM
Chap. 1- Feebas

I surveyed Route 119 in hopes of finding a Feebas. " I don't see anything jumping" I thought to myself. "Seadra, Surf", I commanded my Seadra. It excitedly accepted, and we were in the water.
Once in the lake, I noticed a strange rock. It was the same color as the rest of the rocks (a dull gray), but it seemed to call me to it. I surfed to about 20 feet and pulled out a Good Rod. I fished for what felt like an hour and discovered nothing (except for Carvanhas). I began to get irritated. So, I switched to a Super Rod and started fishing. I felt slight nibbling, then, suddenly, a BIG tug. I began pulling back. Could it be..... no. Another Carvanha. Finally, I set it free and surfed toward the rock.
The rock was not a dull gray when I drew nearer, but a grayish- blue, similar to a cumulonimbus cloud working to contain a mighty thunderstorm. Speaking of, it began to rain, but I wasn't quitting. I pulled out my pole and cast across the water. One minute passed... two minutes... thre--a huge tug interrupted my wait. It was.. a Feebas! Finally, I found one. I unleashed Seadra to fight this rather strong little fish. This Feebas appeared highly tattered and might have been attacked by a nearby Carvanha. " Seadra, Twister", I yelled, since Twister was rather weak and Feebas looked tired, it would probably be an easy catch. The further weakened Pokemon retaliated with Tackle, and it barely phased my Seadra. Finally, I decided to throw an Ultra Ball. "Come On..." I whipered to myself. One shake...two....the light dimmed on the Ball. " Yes, I finally got a Feebas!" I cheered.
"Okay, first thing's first. Skarmory, Fly me to Lilycove City" .

Aegis
May 5th, 2006, 01:59 PM
Pretty Good for your first fic! And since I am pretty bored right now, I decided to reveiw.

1- It was pretty short, which kinda disapointed me

2- Although the story flows well, a little more description might help, like for example, you have, " Once in the lake, I noticed a strange rock", well something more like, "Once we got to the lake, we stopped to gaze around. The lake was a deep sapphire blue, and the sun made it light up like an Ampharos, it was a picture perfect morning, and an awesome day to catch a Feebas", or something like that. I'm not trying to fix it for you, just showing you how you could improve it with details

This last one really isn't an issue, just one of my pet peeves, and it looks better if you change it. See how you put,"It was the same color as the rest of the rocks (a dull gray)" well, thats a good phrase and all, but instead of putting 'A dull gray' in paraentheses, it looks better and reads better if you put it like... "It was the same color as the rest of the rocks, a dull gray."

Remember, this is all consturictive critisim, I'm not trying to be mean, just help you. I hope you right more though, this was a good start ^^

Alter Ego
May 12th, 2006, 06:32 AM
Like, I second DreamBandit298 here...except for the 'pretty good' part.

First of all, as previously pointed out, this chapter is waaaaay too short. The first chapter of a fanfic serves the very important function of introducing the main character(s), laying down the setting of the story, and, most importantly, catching the redaer's interest so that he/she will actually bother to come around and read future instalments. Now of course quality over quantity is always a good principle, but I'd say that, as a general guideline, a pagefull of text is a bare minimum. (Although talented, proffessional authors might be able to accomplish it in less)

Next up, your style of writing is...well, to be honest...pretty boring. There's hardly any description of thoughts or feelings, and only a bare glimpse of environment. Your characters have displayed no personality whatsoever, and in fact, I don't even know if this 'I' character here is male or female. o.o Now first person narratives usually involve less describing of the main character (As he/she is the narrator and considers certain things self-evident) but this should be balanced out by adding more in-depth descriptions of his/her thoughts and feelings on things, not just a straight out description in the style of "First I did this, then I did that. Oh, I must do this I thought and then I did it.". Would you like to read the chapter upon chapter of stuff like that? I think not. =\ So to summarize this point, in order to make your fanfic enjoyable and interesting to read

Now then...my next peeve here would have to be your plot...or rather the lack thereof. Would I be correct in summarizing it as 'Random trainer catches Feebas, evolves it into a Milotic and wins a bunch of contests'? Because if I would, then you seriously need to get back to planning. -.- A proper plot needs at least a few good twists to surprise (and in that way, interest and amuse) the reader, conflict (as in, obstacles the main character(s) need(s) to pass, problems to be solved, difficulties and failures (No-one likes a Mary-Sue <.<), personal problems etc.), and proper structuring to maintain interest throughout the story and keep people reading. And as it is, I don't really see any of that here. Incidentally, I sincerely hope that you're not going to go with the old "Feebas is so horribly ugly and then turns into the beautiful Milotic" cliché either, because a fair amount of people on these forums (Including me) are opposed to that faulty and demeaning stereotype. <.<

Another thing that struck me is your approach to handling pokémon in this story.


"Seadra, Surf", I commanded my Seadra. It excitedly accepted, and we were in the water.

I unleashed Seadra to fight this rather strong little fish. This Feebas appeared highly tattered and might have been attacked by a nearby Carvanha. " Seadra, Twister", I yelled, since Twister was rather weak and Feebas looked tired, it would probably be an easy catch. The further weakened Pokemon retaliated with Tackle, and it barely phased my Seadra.

"Okay, first thing's first. Skarmory, Fly me to Lilycove City" .

Seriously, during the whole chapter a total of three pokémon have been introduced yet not even one of them has anything which could be defined as a personality. Pokémon are supposed to be sentient beings, you know, not just mindless grunts who 'happily' do whatever you tell them to. Trained and wild pokémon can easily serve as much, if not even more, of a purpose in a fanfic than the human characters themselves, and just reducing them to boring, single-minded grunts is a horrendous waste of good plot material.

Finally, you should be very careful with the parenthesis notation. In certain instances it can be used to attain a certain effect, but as a general rule I'd advise you to stay away from it, it's disrupting the flow of the text and making it look like you just rushed through the writing rather than putting some actual thought into what you're going to say and how you're going to say it.

So yeah...this one needs work...lots of it. -.- Sorry if this sounds overly negative, but I prefer to give my honest opinion on things and it's not always phrased in the most politically correct way.