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Persona
May 8th, 2006, 5:39 PM
I spelled Sacrifice wrong on the thread title xD

It's been a while since i've posted a poem here, but i got a new one ^^

Please give comments.


I hear thoughts flicker,
Like the swaying lamp,
In the apartment of the head,
With drapes long and damp,

I feel the embrace of motion,
Like the distortion of life and death,
Heavy, putrid, unforgiving,
Like a baby's first and last breath,

I see destructive hatred,
Like glass, eyes shine through dark,
Dimmed by the drape,
And an echoed bark,

I taste bitter deceit,
Like two figures laid,
Across a forbidden frame,
Unconscious of what's to be paid,

I smell the bloodshed sacrifice,
With his thought unseen,
His deceit unconfirmed,
An embrace forgotten and obscene,

He feels of no emotion,
His outside world torn down,
Hatred of another,
The sacrifice left to drown,

His grip across the hooks,
Levitating him from the floor,
Blood seeping from the rust,
His soul left to soar.

fallen_angel
May 9th, 2006, 6:20 PM
I like it the rhythm is good. ^_^ Your a great poet

Jaehaerys
May 10th, 2006, 1:13 PM
Wow.....that was great and the formating was nice too. Awesome ryhme scheme as well!

Persona
May 10th, 2006, 1:15 PM
Thanks for the comments you two. ^^

Fallen- I'm not a great poet, but I hope to be one.

fallen_angel
May 10th, 2006, 2:17 PM
Hehe just my opinion. At least your a better poet them I am. XD

MegaFuz
May 10th, 2006, 2:37 PM
Nice work. That poem is seriously killer. o.O Sets a very dark tone right from the beginning and carries it out well through the entire piece. Pretty good rhythm as well. Wicked good stuff man. Keep it up. XD

Persona
May 10th, 2006, 4:15 PM
Nice work. That poem is seriously killer. o.O Sets a very dark tone right from the beginning and carries it out well through the entire piece. Pretty good rhythm as well. Wicked good stuff man. Keep it up. XD

Thank you Megafuz. For some reason, i put a little more thought when i make darker poems.

Emma
May 11th, 2006, 12:40 PM
Woo, Hi Ryan, That poem is great ^^; Darker poems are the sorta ones I would read ^^

Persona
May 11th, 2006, 5:15 PM
Woo, Hi Ryan, That poem is great ^^; Darker poems are the sorta ones I would read ^^

Thanks Emma. I like to read darker poems as well. I'll try coming up with a new poem sometime this week or the next. But this time, it won't be a dark one.

~Ozy~
May 11th, 2006, 6:10 PM
Hmmm, I must respectfully disagree with the previous comments. Not that it's a BAD poem, per se, but... Competant is how I would describe it. Numerous times, it felt as though you were writing poetry to fit the rhyme scheme and that is nearly always clumsy. You do a good enough job to avoid that particular trap for the most part, but not entirely. Secondly, the shift towards the end is rather offputting. You move from the absract into the blindingly obvious with little transition. That hurts the meaning of your work. Finally, and again, with writing your poem to fit the rhyme is that you let your rhythm suffer in several instances.

The poem is not without potential, though. I compliment your word choice, and when you make an effort, you can be very economical with your language which is a definate plus. Your work is free of typos as well, which, as purile as it sounds, is a definate problem here. I suggest taking this back for revision, working on cohesiveness and rhythm for the most part, and reposting it here. You're on the right track, it just needs a little work.

~Ozy~ out.

Persona
May 11th, 2006, 6:13 PM
Hmmm, I must respectfully disagree with the previous comments. Not that it's a BAD poem, per se, but... Competant is how I would describe it. Numerous times, it felt as though you were writing poetry to fit the rhyme scheme and that is nearly always clumsy. You do a good enough job to avoid that particular trap for the most part, but not entirely. Secondly, the shift towards the end is rather offputting. You move from the absract into the blindingly obvious with little transition. That hurts the meaning of your work. Finally, and again, with writing your poem to fit the rhyme is that you let your rhythm suffer in several instances.

The poem is not without potential, though. I compliment your word choice, and when you make an effort, you can be very economical with your language which is a definate plus. Your work is free of typos as well, which, as purile as it sounds, is a definate problem here. I suggest taking this back for revision, working on cohesiveness and rhythm for the most part, and reposting it here. You're on the right track, it just needs a little work.

~Ozy~ out.

Ozy, thanks for the comment. I will try to work on it again. ^^