View Full Version : forever shoryu

May 11th, 2006, 3:39 PM
when I first saw you
so samll so blue
bright blue eyes
that shine with kind
your wings that sour threw the clouds
the expression on your face when you were proud
we laughed at first glance
our love grew stronger and more advanced
Instaed of learning from me I've learned from you
that no matter what always stay true
you goal is ti be the best
above all the rest
you are like the other half of me
determind to be
forever small forever blue
forever shoryu

May 11th, 2006, 3:55 PM
To be honest, it's not all that good. It fails to portray the emotions you attempt to convey to the reader, perhaps in part because of its bluntness. I'm not saying that neither it nor you don't have potential, but both need refinement. The numerous typos and lack of punctuation or captilization also detract from understanding and even readability. Your use of enjambment is amatuerish and again, lacks refinement. I reiterate, it needs refinement. One of the best things I have ever heard regarding writing is from Anne Lamott, who says: "Write shitty first drafts." This is what that looks like that. You might go back over that and find only one otr two useable lines and write an almost entirely new poem from that, or maybe fix the inherant mistakes in this piece. Whatever you do, though, you have the opportunity to make it better. Take it. If you need any help, please, feel free to PM me.