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Rioku_Zanketa
May 14th, 2006, 06:36 PM
this is lke a story for my characters...and it's in chapters and stuff...so....here it goes!!!

Ch.1 sec.1:the beginning

*current time is 5/14/5006....there is a great war of humanity versus a war-like alien race called the zycothiens....the zycothiens were dominating with might so much that some humans gave up their right to exist to them,while some have even pleged allience to them...the story starts with Zekeamaru Zanketa,father(not yet) of the quadruplets,Rioku,Clyde,Zoryon,and Xeno Zanketa...at this time....Zekeamaru is only 22....*
*a loud eplosion comes* "Zekeamaru!Zekeamaru!!!you ok??!!!!"...."argh.....yea...I'm fine...the war over yet?...." *a boulky large bald man helps him up and picks up his laser machine gun and gives it to him* "what in the heck??!!! what kinda question is that sir?look around!*a large dark brown desert-like plain is full of human and alien soldiers along with giant machine weapons and cannons blasting to no end**Zekeamaru pushes the bald man off and stumbles to his feet*"yea I'm fine....what happened to MY troops?...."........"sir....they're....they're dead..." *by the way,they're in a ditch right now, oh and Zekeamaru has dbz-like abilities...* "what?!*Zekeamaru looks at the bald man in horror* "darn....well...keep up the work fending off these punks....I,....I just might be able to end this war...." "what do you mean sir?..." *Zekeamaru flies off to the main enemy HQ,while nimbly dodging lasers* *then busts through the Titanium complex* "argh!!stupid alien scum!!!DIE!!!!" *blasts the remaining Zycothiens with the laser machine gun* *then heads through a large titanium door,then stops on the ground, in silence....* "......GENERAL BLUUD!!! I come to end this DARN war!!" *.....the room is in silence while a being is on a throne in a dark shadow....* "hmm hmm hmm....Zekeamaru Zanketa, is it? the legendary lone wolf war hero....tell me...would you ever think the leader of the pethetic Zycothien race would be,.....a HUMAN?..." *the being stands up and walks out of the shadows to be a human, bearing a striking resemblence to Adolf Hitler...* "he he he...you dare challenge ME!!! foolish mortal...you're not the only one with super human capabilities...allow me to show you...TO YOUR DOOM!!!! HA HA HA HA!!!!" *Zekeamaru readies for a long and hard battle....*



TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!

so how did you guys like it?......

Yu Kanda
May 16th, 2006, 05:51 PM
Its pretty good so far and good luck with it^___^ and I realized in your sig it shows the characters in it.

Kyoko
May 17th, 2006, 12:52 PM
Alright here is some constructive critisim mmk'ay?!:

First, you need to paragraph your story out more so It's not just one big, bulky paragraph. It makes it easier for the reader to read^^ For example the explination of the story should be seperate from the actual story. You could also just explain whats going on instead of using ** for them, another example:
*by the way,they're in a ditch right now, oh and Zekeamaru has dbz-like abilities...*

This should be explained in the story line flow not akwardly stuck in somewhere, also the dbz like abilitys should have been stated earlier on as well. There were also some run-ons, the beggining of the story.

Please don't take this as being mean, the story seems exciting and ilke it would have a nice plot, just some improvement in the paragraphing and description would help the reader and make it better^_____^ tell me when the next chappie is up^^

~Later~

Rioku_Zanketa
May 17th, 2006, 06:16 PM
Ch.1 Sec.1a:Intro

"so.....you think you can beat me now?....you......hmph....how ironic....you killed my father.....right in front of my eyes as a soldier....now I will kill you,as a king to end this war" Zekeamaru puts on his determination face,as he remembers his father dying in the hands of General Bluud."AH! so you remember that?! this shall be fun.....hm hm hm....I'll tell you...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.I'll kill you,just as I did your father!READY YOURSELF,FOR YOU ARE AT YOUR FINAL MOMENTS!!!FOOL!!!" Bluud powers up and flies toward Zekeamaru....while Bluud is flying toward him he (in slow motion) hears the humming of a nearby generator and grins,then jumps up in the air "HAH! catch me if ya can!"He then takes out his L.M.G and and starts firing.one of the shots then pierce the generator. "hmm....(darn he's so fast....he's coming this way!)" Bluud then gets a hold of him,then knockes him down near the generator.soon after,he charges at him again "come on! I got somethin for ya Bluud!" Bluud then gets to him,but Zekeamaru dodges,leaving Bluud to headbutt the generator "this is it....I'm done with you!!!" Zekeamaru takes his bun and blasts the generato.But before he could escape,Bluud grabs his arm...."No...it won't end like this,ya little punk......IF I GO DOWN I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME!!!! the generator eplodes in a whiter flash "HAWAAAAAAA!!!" Zekeamaru gets pushed back from the eplosion....


13 years later....in a medium-large sized house
"whaaaaah!mommy!Rioku and Xeno keep punching me!!" a little kid cries to a mother while another is leaning on a door frame. "that's cuz you're a big wuss Zoryon...grow some-" "shut up Clyde! why can't you ever be nice to me?!" "NOW THAT'S ENOUGH! no more bullying! Rioku! Xeno!wait till your father get's home from work....he'll deal with you two"......just then, their father walks in..."hey HOney!.....what's going on now?....." he sees Zoryon in his mother's lap,Clyde in his usual 'not caring' mood, Rioku feeling sorry for himself,and Xeno glaring at Zoryon and Rioku,and get's the message...."I don't wanna deal with this now....you guys just...just go to bed!It's ya'lls bedtimes anyways!" they all march up th their rooms sad,angry,and not caring...as the husband and wife go to their room.....then they get in bed. "honey,...we gotta get outta her...this place..." "ugh now don't start this again Zekeamaru! you know that ever since after the war,America,Japan,Russia,EVERYWHERE is the same....no matter where we go..." "yea....the war....don't remind me...." Zekeamaru then looks at his robotic arm,which he lost in the battle against Bluud "but Ellaine,if we stop trying to look for better places,how do you think the boys will grow up?!" "we'll talk about this later Zekeamaru...I'm tired" "....*sigh* good night baby....."

The Next DAY....
*brrrrrrriiiiiinnnng!* *brrrrrrriiiinnnnng!* *brrrriii-* "hello?......yea......darn.....gotch.....what?...gotcha.........ri-......right....in a flash...*click* hey,hey Ellaine,....I gatta go again" "...hmmm?....you mean that dangourous mission? AGAIN?! baby,last time you almost got killed! I don't wanna worry about losing you again!-" "honey,...I survived the most dangourous war in the history of time......I won't die...I promise...." Zkekeamaru gently kisses Ellaine "...I'm off...tell the boys I said I'll see thim this afternoon,when they wake up...(....*sigh* I gotta check out this gang again....It's not even a gang...it's the biggest criminal organization I've ever seen! I really don't kno w if I'll be coming back...but I can't tell that to Ellaine, and ESPECIALLY not the boys...) Zekeamaru gets in his car and zooms off.....................

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Kyoko
May 18th, 2006, 12:37 PM
Wow, that's A LOT better Rioku^____________^ keep it up can't wait to read more!!