PDA

View Full Version : To My Guiding Angel


oni flygon
May 15th, 2006, 06:12 PM
This is just a little something that I wrote in my spare time. Not really revised or anything and this is the raw form as it is.

But I would appreciate comments and criticisms!



To My Guiding Angel

She wanders the quiet groves of the misty forest,
Averting the penetrating gaze of speechless sentinels.
Baffled by the strange beauty walking silently,
The mute trees watch her peerless grace.

And beyond the shrouded brushes of the grand wood,
Resides the sea, with crashing and receding tides.
From the mist, she steps out; to the ocean, she gazes.
She stands, with arms spread eagle, with wings to the sky!

By herself at the edge of the craggy and treacherous cliff,
The ocean roars beneath her, beating the sharp rocks below.
She is free—free from the reaching grasps of darkness.
Free from corrupting shadows of the forest wraiths.

My guiding angel, oh how she shines the purest of lights;
Within the tempest that is life, I see her divine radiance.
Her faraway smile gives me strength to endure trials,
And the soft melody she sings is the warmth in bitter cold.

And as my soul sails through time, I remember her…
That light, that smile, that song in midst of the storm…

My guiding angel,
Forever in my mind, present in my soul, alive with my spirit,
How I long for your presence.

Lily
May 15th, 2006, 06:23 PM
Aww...Onii-chan writes such lovely poems. You certainly possess a deep empathy for the subject. ^_^

I really liked it. It had a harmonic, lyrical tone - something smooth and flowing, nonstop - a haven of tranquility. The words you stringed together sounded alright for the most part; above all, I enjoyed the sense of pure longing and freedom. You could've fixed, however, the 'ands' that weren't supposed to belong...it jarred with the rest of the melodic prose.

Otherwise, splendid job~

oni flygon
May 16th, 2006, 03:18 PM
Why thanks for the comment, Lily!

I really appreciate your critiques =D

digi-kun
May 18th, 2006, 06:20 PM
Ah, taking a try off rhymes eh? not bad

this seems to be a poem based on a yearning for freedom

anyways, this poem flowed much more smoothly than most your other poems that i've read. The rhythm was better. It's simply good.

oni flygon
May 19th, 2006, 05:45 PM
Thanks for the critique, Digi... XD

Now I seem to get the hang of rythm...

Kalylia
May 28th, 2006, 05:28 AM
You certainly are. It was a marvelous poem, and I thank you deeply for sharing it. Your vocabulary was wonderful, and I LOVE seeing good word choice. For once, I got through a whole poem without a single "blade", "steel", or "love", and it didn't even matter! *laughs* (I admit to having word-choice problems myself)

The only thing I can see is a slight lack of emotion. It came through, definatly, but there wasn't much of anything that truly hit me and said "HEY!". It's nothing to worry about, just a suggestion for later poetry. Really play to your readers emotions. That's what poetry does, provokes an emotion, be it anger, spite, love, nostalgia...

Anyways...

~Keep up the good work~

oni flygon
May 28th, 2006, 09:13 PM
Much thanks for the critique and I do really appreciate any criticisms! =D

As for the emotions, I conveyed them in the poem the best I could do... which is sort of a free emotion...