PDA

View Full Version : The Ultimate Adventure Ch. 1


angel_fire3354
May 18th, 2006, 08:33 AM
Ok, if this sucks, I'm sorry. I'm not that good at writing just yet. At least I don't think so. Please let me know what you think!
_____________

Ch. 1: The journey begins

Ash Ketchum walked down the dusty road to Littleroot Town. He was on his way to the famous Prof. Birch's lab to see if he could get a starter Pokemon for his Hoenn journey. He was already a Pokemon Trainer, but he had left all of his Pokemon except his Pikachu behind when he had went home for a visit. When his mom had asked him why he was leaving all of his Pokemon behind, he had responded "Well, it's a new journey through a new region. I want to start all over again and make my way to the Hoenn League the way I'm supposed to." His mom had sighed, but went along with his choice. Besides, he still had his strongest pokemon with him: Pikachu.

Up ahead, Ash could see the houses of Littleroot Town.

"C'mon Pikachu! Let's go!" he cried, racing down the trail to the small town.

"Pika!" the yellow lightning mouse cried, running after him. It caught up to its trainer and jumped on his shoulder. When they reached Littleroot, Ash stopped and read the sign aloud: "Littleroot Town: 'A town that can't be shaded any hue.' " He spotted the lab up ahead. He walked over to it and knocked on the big, wooden door. A big man with brown hair, and warm brown eyes answered it. he was wearing a white lab coat and a blue shirt with brown shorts underneath.

"Hello. You must be Ash." he said.

"Yes. But how did you know my name?" Ash asked.

"Prof. Oak from Kanto called me and let me know you were coming." Prof. Birch responded. He opened the door wider and led Ash through.

There were computers everywhere. Lab assistants in long white lab coats rushed around the room, going from computer to computer. A small wooden table sat in the middle of the room. It had three Poke Balls placed on it. As Prof. Birch led Ash to the table, he noticed a girl about his age and a young boy standing beside the table. The girl smiled at him. She had light brown hair, and sapphire blue eyes. She wore a red bandana on her head, along with a red shirt and blue-black shorts with a skirt looking thing over them. She also wore white gloves with black on the fingers. A yellow pack was strapped around her waist. The boy had sort of a dark blue tint to his hair, and brownish-red eyes. He wore a green shirt with brown short. A yellow backpack was strapped to his back. He also wore black glasses. He hadn't even noticed Ash yet.

"Ok." Prof. Birch said as they reached the table. "These are the three Pokemon from which you will choose. This is Torchic." He said, pointing at the one on the left. "This is Treeko." He pointed to the one in the middle. "And the last one is Mudkip." He pointed to the one on the right. "Ok, May. I promised to let you pick first." he said, turning to the girl standing beside the table. He smiled at her. "Go ahead." The girl walked over to the table and picked up the Poke Ball on the left.

"So, you want Torchic, the Chick Pokemon?" Prof. Birch asked. The girl nodded. "Good choice." Prof. Birch said. He turned to Ash. "Ok, Ash. It's you turn. Take your pick." Ash walked over to the table.

Mudkip or Treeko? he thought to himself. Fianlly, after thinking hard, he picked up the Poke Ball in the middle.

"So you'll take Treeko, the Wood Gecko Pokemon?" Prof. Birch asked. Ash nodded. "Another excellent choice! Now, I'd like to present each of you with these." He handed Ash and the girl a small red device. It had a big blue button on one side.

"That is a Pokedex. It records data on the Pokemon you've seen or captured." Prof. Birch explained.

But, I already have one of these, Ash thought as he looked at the Pokedex in his hand.

"That Pokedex is set to record any Pokemon you see or catch. Whether it's from Kanto, Johto or Hoenn. It's more high tech than the others that are given away in the other regions." Prof. Birch said, as if he'd read Ash's mind. "And Max," he said, turning toward the boy. "I'd like to give you this." He handed the boy a small yellow device.

"What is this?" the boy asked.

"It's called a Pokenav. It has a map of the Hoenn region, a thing called a Match Call to call the people who give you their numbers, and a thing called Trainer's Eyes that tells you what trainers you've battled and the ones you haven't." Prof. Birch explained.

"Wow! Thanks!" Max said.

"I figured you should have something to do since your sister's going to be catching and training Pokemon, and you aren't old enough to be a trainer yet. You could be her guide." Prof. Birch said. He winked at Max. Max smiled.

"Here are 5 Poke Balls." Prof. Birch said, handing Ash and the girl each five red and white capsules. "Now, go and begin your journey!"

"Thanks, Prof. Birch! Bye!" Ash called as he walked out the lab door. The girl said the same and ran after him. She tapped him and the shoulder. Ash stopped and turned around.

"Hi. My name's May." the girl said, holding her hand out.

"I'm Ash." Ash said, shaking her hand. The boy ran up to them.

"Oh, and this is my little brother, Max." she said as the boy ran up by her side.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Ash." Ash said.

"Ooooh! You've got a Pikachu! Can I pet it? Please?" Max asked. Ash laughed.

"Sure." he replied. He held his arm out. Pikachu scampered down it and stood at the edge of his hand. Max scratched it behind its ears. When he was done, Pikachu ran back up Ash's arm and took roost on his shoulder.

"So, is this you first time in Hoenn?" May asked.

"Yeah." Ash replied.

"Then why do you already have a Pikachu?" May asked.

"Because he's already a trainer! Duh!" Max said. "Didn't you watch the Johto regionals last year? He made it all the way to the final eight!"

"Oh yeah!" May said. She turned back to Ash. "Where are all of your other Pokemon?" she asked.

"I left them back in Pallet Town with my mom." Ash replied.

"Pallet Town?!" May and Max asked in surprise.

"Yeah." Ash said, confused.

"Wow. You came all the way from Pallet Town?" Max asked. Ash nodded.

"Uh, guys? Don't we need to try to make it to the next town?" Ash asked.

"Oh right! Max what is the next town?" May asked her brother.

Max took out the yellow device Prof. Birch had given him. He flipped it open.

"Well, accourding to this, the next town is Oldale Town. And it's not too far from here." Max said.

"Ok then. Oldale Town it is!" Ash said.

The walked into the tall grass just outside of Littleroot Town. A gray and black Pokemon jumped out at them. It looked like a small puppy, but had sharper teeth than a regular puppy or dog would have.

"Wonder what that is?" Ash asked. He took out his Pokedex. May did the same.

"Poochyena: The Bite Pokemon. At first sight, Poochyena takes a bite at anything that moves. This Pokemon chases after prey until the victim becomes exhausted. However, it may turn tail if the prey strikes back. " the mechanical voices in both Pokedexes said.

"Nobody move." Ash said quietly. They all stood as still as statues until the Poochyena disappeared into the bushes. When they were sure it was gone, they continued walking through the grass. A little while later, Ash could see the houses of Oldale Town up ahead.

"There it is!" he said. "Let's go!" He started running the rest of the way.

"He sure is energetic." May said as she and Max ran to catch up with him. Right before they reached the town, another Pokemon popped out at them. It was red with a white belly. It had two big, yellow eyes, and a small horn on the top of its head. It also had two spikes on its rear.

Ash and May pulled out their Pokedexes onece more.

"Wurmple: The Worm Pokemon. Using the spikes on its rear end, Wurmple peels bark off trees and feeds on the sap that oozes out. This Pokemon's feet are tipped with suction pads that allow it to cling to glass without slipping. " the mechanical voices said.

"Awww! It's kinda cute." May said.

Ash made a face, then said, "Well, why don't you try and catch it?"

"Ok I will!" May said.

"Weaken it first, and it'll be easier to catch." Ash said. May nodded.

"Torchic come on out! she cried, taking a Poke Ball out of her pack, enlarging it, and throwing it into the air. It came back down. When it made contact with the ground, a small orange and yellow Pokemon appeared. It had bird-like feet.

"Torchic!" it said in a high pitched voice.

"Torchic, use Scratch!" May yelled after flipping through her Pokedex, looking for attacks Torchic could use. Torchic jumped into the air and came down, scratching at the Wurmple. The Wurmple let out an angry cry and shot a silky, white string from its mouth.

"What is that?" May asked, looking at Ash for help.

"That's a String Shot attack. " Ash replied.

"Torchic, dodge it!" May yelled, turning back to her Pokemon. Torchic jumped out of the way. The String Shot harmlessly hit the ground. "Now, finish this up with another Scratch attack!" May yelled. Torchic scratched Wurmple again. Wurmple fell to the ground. May turned back to Ash.

"What do I do now?" she asked.

"Don't attack it again. Throw an empty Poke Ball." Ash said. May pulled out a Poke Ball and threw it at the Wurmple. One wiggle, two wiggle, three wiggle. Ping!

"You did it!" Ash said.

"Yay! I caught a Wurmple!" May said. Ash looked at his Pokedex.

"Accourding to this, it'll evolve into a Cascoon if it's a girl, or a Silcoon if it's a boy." he said. May put the Poke Ball containing her new Wurmple in her pack.

"You did great Torchic." she said. "Return!" She held out Torchic's ball. A red light came out and engulfed Torchic. In a few moments, Torchic was gone. May also put Torchic's Poke Ball in her pack.

"C'mon guys. It's getting late. We need to get ot Oldale Town and get a room from the Pokemon Center." Ash said.

"Right!" the others agreed. They all ran to Oldale Town. Ash read the sign.

"Oldale Town- 'Where things start off scarce' " Then, he and the other went to the Pokemon Center.

"Hi Nurse Joy. Are there any rooms available that we could stay in?" Ash asked.

"Yes there are.' Nurse Joy said. She handed Ash a key. "First room on the right."

"Thanks." Ash said. He and the other went upstairs and went to the room on the right. Ash unlocked the door and opened it. The room was small. It had two bunk beds-one on each side of the room. A small nightstand was inbetween the two bunk beds. A window was above the nightstand. And, finally, there was a bathroom in the third corner.

Ash, May, and Max all put their packs on the nightstand. May and Max took the bunk on the right- Max on the bottom and May on the top. Ash slept on the bottom bunk by himself (with Pikachu of course) in the bunk bed on the left. He stared at the wall for what seemed like hours. Then, he dozed off to sleep.
___________________________

Well, that's chapter 1. I hope you all like it! i'll post another one tomorrow. :)

Krafty Quill
May 19th, 2006, 02:16 PM
Your writing isn't bad at all. I'd say you probably need to be more descritpive when it comes to surroundings and the character's feelings. Also, the plot could have probably been more original. I don't think New Trainer's are much in demand at the moment unless they have some sort of fresh twist or originality to it.

But continue posting. The more you write and read other writer's work, the better you'll get. ;)

monokey
May 19th, 2006, 02:37 PM
I agree that it needs more description. Nice start though, I like it.

Astinus
May 19th, 2006, 11:10 PM
Plot-wise, this just seems like a re-hashing of the R/S/E plots. Except, you use the canon characters, and twist things around. More on this in the grammar checklist below.

He was on his way to the famous Prof. Birch's lab to see if he could get a starter Pokemon for his Hoenn journey.

"Starter" is for new trainers. For Ash, I would say "new" Pokémon.

There were computers everywhere. Lab assistants in long white lab coats rushed around the room, going from computer to computer.

Prof. Birch's lab, in the show, was shown to be less like a lab and more like a home. The only assistant he has is Johnathan.

He wore a green shirt with brown short.

"short" should be "shorts."

Mudkip or Treeko? he thought to himself. Fianlly, after thinking hard, he picked up the Poke Ball in the middle.

"So you'll take Treeko, the Wood Gecko Pokemon?" Prof. Birch asked. Ash nodded. "Another excellent choice! Now, I'd like to present each of you with these." He handed Ash and the girl a small red device. It had a big blue button on one side.

"That is a Pokedex. It records data on the Pokemon you've seen or captured." Prof. Birch explained.

But, I already have one of these, Ash thought as he looked at the Pokedex in his hand.

"That Pokedex is set to record any Pokemon you see or catch. Whether it's from Kanto, Johto or Hoenn. It's more high tech than the others that are given away in the other regions." Prof. Birch said, as if he'd read Ash's mind. "And Max," he said, turning toward the boy. "I'd like to give you this." He handed the boy a small yellow device.

"What is this?" the boy asked.

"It's called a Pokenav. It has a map of the Hoenn region, a thing called a Match Call to call the people who give you their numbers, and a thing called Trainer's Eyes that tells you what trainers you've battled and the ones you haven't." Prof. Birch explained.


1.) "Treeko" is spelled "Treecko."
2.) Ash caught a wild Treecko. There was no need for Ash to steal another new trainer's starting Pokémon when he already has Pikachu.
3.) Ash recieved his Pokédex from Prof. Oak when he went to Hoenn. Max recieved his PokéNav from Mr. Stone at the Devon Corporation.

"Hi. My name's May." the girl said, holding her hand out.

"I'm Ash." Ash said, shaking her hand. The boy ran up to them.

"Oh, and this is my little brother, Max." she said as the boy ran up by her side.

Introductions, at least in the Pokémon show, happen in the first seconds of meeting someone new. No matter what.

"Pallet Town?!" May and Max asked in surprise.

Take out the exclaimation point. There's no need for it.

Awww! It's kinda cute." May said.

Ash made a face, then said, "Well, why don't you try and catch it?"


Ash would be really happy if a girl like Bug Pokémon. Remember how that was a big thing between Misty and him in the beginning?

"Torchic come on out! she cried,

Forgot the ending quotation mark.

One wiggle, two wiggle, three wiggle. Ping!


Pluralize the wiggles after "two" and "three."

"Accourding to this, it'll evolve into a Cascoon if it's a girl, or a Silcoon if it's a boy." he said.

Not true. It's random. And, yes, I have a male Beautifly. Almost had two.

"Hi Nurse Joy. Are there any rooms available that we could stay in?" Ash asked.

"Yes there are.' Nurse Joy said. She handed Ash a key. "First room on the right."

Where's the part where they heal the Pokémon? That's something Ash, of all people, would make sure of.

In summary: You have a lot of problems with dialogue. Like, here:

"Hello. You must be Ash." he said.

The full stop after "Ash" should be a comma. Basically, if the ending punctuation before the closing quotation is a full stop, then put in a comma, and if you don't start with a proper noun, start the next word with a lower-case.

Fianlly, after thinking hard, he picked up the Poke Ball in the middle.

"Fianlly" should be "finally."

Most of your problems could be caught with simple proof-reading, and a spell-checker.

Final: The plot goes against canon. I also feel that your description could be better. Simple proof-reading needs to be done. You are off to a good start, and if you listen to reviews(like mine *cough cough*), then you will improve.

Great luck to you.

~*!*~Tatsujin Gosuto~*!*~
May 20th, 2006, 06:43 AM
Its pretty good the plot and everything but the story needs more discription.

:t094:~*!*~Queen Boo~*!*~

angel_fire3354
May 20th, 2006, 01:13 PM
I know all of that stuff bout Ash catching a Treecko and all that, but I just wanted to change it around a little. As for the grammer problems, I'll go back read over my posts to make sure there aren't any problems. Thanks to everyone for all of the comments.

Skitty-chan
May 20th, 2006, 07:23 PM
First off, I just wanted to say that at first I thought this was going to be lame, but I liked it! I see you changed stuff from the show's version which is cool to me. I can see that you're taking a new twist to it, right? I could be wrong, but that's how I see it. You do have grammar problems but come on, those can be fixed real easy. One thing I would do is like everyone else said (hate to be a parrot... - _ -; Sorry..), put some more description. You have some, and more description would make it better. May I suggest this? Trust me you can take it or leave it, but I like to imagine writing like watching a movie and I'm trying to describe to it to a blind person. Okay, that was a little out there, but it works for me!

Anyway, it's kind of weird because I don't usually like stories like this, but I want to see what happens next! Keep it going.

BTW...

"Pallet Town?!" May and Max asked in surprise.


I'm pretty sure - no, really sure - that doing this is legal. It gives a more shock to the suprise, right? Keep it in there. It gives more emotion.

Anyway, I'm done. I'm going to go eat some candy.

Naminé
May 20th, 2006, 10:05 PM
Since most of the other more skilled reviewers have mentioned almost everything already, Naminé will only speak of the last thing that she has noticed. Isn't the title a bit alike to many other stories out there...? A story is important in the sense that it is the only thing that can catch a reader's attention. A few days ago, Naminé saw some writers talk about the importance of titles too in the fanfiction lounge...

Try to think of a title that will describe only Ms. Angel_fire3354's fanfic so that it is unique and creative. More readers may come to read it that way~

angel_fire3354
May 21st, 2006, 11:57 AM
Well, with all of these negative reports I'm getting, I'm not sure I should continue it.... Compared to all of my other stories that I'm writing on different fanfiction sites, this one's pretty boring. Maybe I should cut this one and just rewrite the chapters from the fanfic I'm writing on Pokemon Fan Universe. Everyone seems to like that one better. Oh well. I'll come to a decision later. :\

Krafty Quill
May 21st, 2006, 12:03 PM
Try not to look at the comments as negative, but suggestive.

Skitty-chan
May 25th, 2006, 03:26 PM
Aw man. Hey, if you found my post negative, I am totally sorry. Really. I just wanted to help you a bit. Keep going. I always tell myself that no matter what others think, I know in my heart that what I'm doing is great.

And if someone does say something negative, just flick it off and keep going! Yeah!

And again, I'm sorry if I said something mean. I didn't want to.

monokey
May 25th, 2006, 03:29 PM
Its not that bad man, we're just telling you how you could make it better.

angel_fire3354
May 25th, 2006, 04:47 PM
I know, but compared to the fanfic I'm writing on another site, this one sucks. The other one is so much better. I'm deciding on whether to cut this one and start a new one or continue this one and write the other one later.

Lord Mike
May 25th, 2006, 05:22 PM
You are truely a great writer.

monokey
May 26th, 2006, 02:55 AM
I know, but compared to the fanfic I'm writing on another site, this one sucks. The other one is so much better. I'm deciding on whether to cut this one and start a new one or continue this one and write the other one later.

You might as well continue this one as a few people have reviwed already.

angel_fire3354
May 30th, 2006, 08:34 AM
Ok, I guess if everybody's waiting on the next chapter, I'd better write it. I'm not too good with description most of the time, but I'll try and put some more description in my chapters from now on.
________________

Chapter 2: Oldale Town to Petalburg City

Ash woke up early the next morning. He looked across the room. May and Max were already up. Judging by the sound of running water coming from the bathroom, May was taking a shower. Ash got out of bed and slid his shoes on. Pikachu jumped onto his shoulder. Ash picked up his backpack and walked out of the room.

Once in the lobby, he saw Max sitting on a couch that was placed up against a wall. He waked over to him.

"Hey Max." he said.

"Hey." Max said.

"Is something wrong?" Ash asked, sitting on the couch beside him.

"No. I'm just bored from sitting here by myself all morning." Max said.

"Well, if you want, you could come outside with me and watch me train my Pokemon." Ash offered.

"Ok. But what about May?" Max asked.

"We're not even gonna go as far as the Pokemart." Ash replied. "We're going around back where that big field is."

"Oh. In that case, let's go." Max said, grabbing Ash's arm and pulling him out the door. Once outside, Max let go of Ash's arm and they walked around the Pokemon Center to the big, grassy field. A small Wurmple popped out of the grass in front of them, startling Max.

"Treecko, go!" Ash cried, throwing the Poke Ball containing the gecko Pokemon. The Treecko appeared in front of him.

"Treecko!" it said.

"Ok Treecko, let's see what you can do! Pound!" Ash cried. Treecko jumped into the air, flipped and brought its tail down hard on the Wurmple. The Wurmple got an angry expression on its face. It shot out a white strand of silky material. "Dodge that String Shot attack, Treecko!" Ash cried. Treecko quickly jumped out of the way. "Now, let's finish this off with another Pound attack!" Ash cried. Treecko pummeled the Wurmple with another Pound attack. The Wurmple fell to the ground, defeated. "Yeah! Great job, Treecko!" Ash cheered.

"That was awesome, Ash." Ash turned around. May walked around the Pokemon Center and approached him. "Now, are you ready to go?"

"Uh, I guess so." Ash said. He held Treecko's Poke Ball at arm's length. "Treecko, return!" he said. A red light came out a sucked Treecko inside the ball. Ash attatched the ball to his belt.

"Then let's go." May said. She walked off. Ash followed her. Max took out his Pokenav.

"Accourding to this, Petalburg City should be down that trail." he said.

"Ok, let's go." Ash said. He walked toward the trail Max had pointed to. The others ran to catch up.

Before long, the buildings of Petalburg City came into view.

"There it is!" Max said excitedly. He ran toward the city. May followed.

What are they so excited about? Ash wondered. He ran to catch up with his friends. When they got into the city, Max and May tried to direct Ash to the gym.

"But I thought the first gym was in Rustboro." Ash said.

"It is. This is the gym where you get your fifth badge." May replied.

"But, why put this gym before all the others?" Ash asked.

"I don't know. That's just the way it is." May said. "Now come on. We want you to meet someone." She and Max pushed and pulled Ash into the gym. They pushed him right up to the gym leader.

"Hey, May and Max! How are you doing?" he said. He had hair about the color of Max's, but it was slicked back. His eyes were brown. He wore a brown jacket over a blue shirt with dark, dark blue pants.

"We're doing fine." Max said. He turned to Ash. "Ash, this is our dad, the leader of the Petalburg City gym." he said proudly.

"Your dad?" Ash asked, surprised. He turned toward the tall man. "Um, pleased to meet you, sir." he said. The man smiled.

"The pleasure's all mine, uh-"

"Ash." Ash said.

"Ash." the man said. "Nice to meet you. I'm Norman." he said. He held his hand out. Ash shook it.

"I hope one day I'll get to face you in a gym battle. You look like a very strong trainer." Norman said.

"Well, I'm going to Rustboro right now for my first gym battle." Ash said.

"That's great! I hope you win." Norman said. May and Max had been silent up til now.

"Dad, how's Mom doing?" May asked.

"She's fine. Right now, she's probably in the greenhouse out back." Norman said. He turned to Ash. "Ash, would you like to meet my wife, Caroline?" he asked.

"Well, I-"

"I'm sure she'll be delighted to meet you." May said in a pleading voice.

Ash shrugged. "Why not?" he said with a smile.

"Ok. Let's go." Norman said, walking past Ash and out the door. Ash followed, along with May and Max.

Norman led them all to a large wooden house. Flowers decorated the front yard. Norman walked up onto the porch and opened the door. He walked through into a brightly lit living room. Sunlight was pouring in through the many windows in the room. A young woman walked into the living room. She had sapphire blue eyes, like May, and a sort of caramal color to her hair. She wore a yellow sundress with orange on the bottom. She stopped when she saw Ash.

"Oh hello! Who might you be?" she asked.

"Uh, I'm Ash Ketchum." Ash said. He was a little uncomfortable with just walking into someone's house without them knowing, even if Norman, May and Max had led him in.

"Well, it's a pleasure having you here. I'm Caroline. Please make yourself at home. I'll go make everyone some tea." Caroline said. She rushed out of the room and into the kitchen. May and Max ushered Ash over to the couch. Ash had no other choice but to sit down. May and Max sat on either side of him. Norman sat on a big chair beside the couch. Caroline came rushing back into the room with a silver tray. It had five small cups on it. She sat it on the table in fron of the couch, then sat down in another chair on the other side of the couch.

After visiting with May and Max's family for a few hours, the trio headed out the door.

"Bye! It was nice meeting you!" Ash said.

"Nice meeting you too!" Caroline and Norman said, waving. "Good luck with your journey!"

Ash turned back around once they were out of sight from the house.

"Well, I guess we'd better get going." he said. May nodded.

"Right. We need to get to Rustboro before it gets too dark." she said.

"Yeah, and plus, we have to go through the Petalburg Woods to get there." Ash said. May stiffened.

"Ok then. Let's go!" Max said, punching the air. Ash nodded.

"Rustboro City, here we come!" he said.
_____________________

Was that any better? I tried to put more description in the story.

Oh, Hanako Tabris, I know all of that stuff about Max getting his Pokenav from Mr. Stone and Ash getting his Pokedex from Prof. Oak. I saw it all. I just wanted to twist it up a little. There are a few more twists and turns coming.

I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter! The next one should be up soon!

angel_fire3354
June 3rd, 2006, 04:45 PM
What, nobody cares? *Looks at avatar* "Beggining Trainer" Hmm. I'd say that suits me. I can't even write a story to catch someone's attention for the breifest second!