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View Full Version : Davy Jones and Gyrados: The Evil Duo


Lord Mike
May 26th, 2006, 07:26 AM
Ash, Misty, Brock, and Pikachu were walking down the beach.

"Ah! The water fills me with joy!" Misty said gracefully.

"Its really a great day!" Ash exclaimed.

"Geodude! Get back into your Master Ball!" Brock yelled.

There was pause.

"Master Ball? How the heck did you get a Master Ball?" Misty questioned him.

"I used Gameshark! Got a problem with that?" Brock threatened them.

Ash wispered to Misty. "I never really liked that guy."

"Neither did I Ash, neither did I." Misty said.

"What did you say? Huh? Tell me now!" Brock demanded.

"You are the most stubborn person I ever met!" Misty yelled at Brock.

"WAAAAAAAAA! You're mean! I want to go home!" Brock cried.

"Ah, shut up! We're in the middle of the Sevii Islands! Swim 10,000 miles home!" Ash hollered at Brock.

"Yay! A Disney Cruise Line!" Brock spotted a ruise ship about half a mile away.

"You guys got change for 50 Euros?" Brock asked.

There was silence.

"I'm bored! SOUL PATROL!" Misty yelled out.

There was silence.

"Yes Misty! We know! The winner of American Idol was Taylor Hicks." Ash said.

"I liked the song Pikachu sang!" Brock said.

There was silence.

"IT WAS AMERICAN IDOL! NOT POKEMON IDOL DUFUS!" Misty screamed at the top of her lungs.

There was a big splash in the water.

"What? Who's there?" Ash wimpered.

A Gyrados appeared. Water flew everywhere.

The Gyrados roared.

"MEOW!" Brock meowed.

Everything silenced. Even Gyrados froze.

"Uh. That was very strange!" Gyrados said.

Then the raging continued.

"What are we going to do?" Ash asked them.

"How should I know? I'm a widow!" Brock cried.

"SHUT UP! YOU NEVER EVEN MARRIED ANYONE!" Misty was as flaming as a Magmar.

"Misty! I think you're on fire!" Brock said stupidly.

"I KNOW!" Misty shrieked at Brock.

Another man appeared on Gyrados. It was Davy Jones.

"ARRRGH!" Davy Jones yelled.

"RUFF RUFF!" Brock barked.

Everything silenced.

"What was that?" Gyrados asked.

The raging continued.

Will Davy Jones and Gyrados conquer the Sevii Islands? Will Brock ever stop making animal sounds? Find out next time.

monokey
May 26th, 2006, 07:56 AM
"RUFF RUFF!" Brock barked.

Everything silenced.

"What was that?" Gyrados asked.



hahaha, that was funny. Keep it up.

Lord Mike
May 27th, 2006, 04:12 AM
Stories these days each need at least a bit of humor to really catch attention.

Lord Mike
May 27th, 2006, 04:22 AM
From where we left off...

"I'll have you by your tails, maties!" Davy Jones said.

"I DON'T HAVE A TAIL! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Brock wimpered.

Misty hit Brock with a frying pan.

"You're either a cat or a dog, so shouldn't you have a tail?" Davy Jones questioned.

"NO! THEY CUT MINE OFF!" Brock yelled out.

There was silence.

"That works with the girls everytime I bet." Gyrados said sarcastically.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Brock asked.

"Misty, where did you get that frying pan?" Ask asked Misty.

"SHUT THE .... UP!" Davy Jones screamed.

"What? I couldn't hear you. The Disney Cruise Line was making that horn sound. What! The Disney Cruise Line going back to America? Don't leave without me!" Brock hollered.

Nothing happened.

"I want to get away from the Sevii Islands!" Ash yelled.

"I need to poop really bad!" Brock said.

"PU! Who was that?" Gyrados asked.

"ME! I did the poopie!" Brock said joyfully.

"ARRRGH! I can't stand poop!" Davy Jones said.

"Then how come you can walk on the poop deck?" Brock asked.

There was silence.

"THE POOP DECK DOESN'T REALLY HAVE POOP ON IT!" Misty hollered at him.

"WAAAAAAAAA!" Brock cried.

"Am I missing something?" Pikachu asked.

"Pikachu? Where are you?" Ash asked.

"Ok ok ok! This isn't the Scooby-Doo theme song, ok? I was chuging a bottle of ketchup." Pikachu said.

There was silence.

"Well, its more normal than barking that's for sure!" Ash exclaimed.

"Hey! Don't ducks bark?" Brock asked.

There was silence.

"ARRRGH! My job is done here. You three already have problems." Davy Jones said to Ash, Misty, and Pikachu.

"What problems?" Brock asked.

THE END

Shadeslayer
May 27th, 2006, 06:11 AM
Ha! Very funny. Did you know there was a pirate named Davy Jones?

Aegis
May 27th, 2006, 07:54 AM
Kinda OOC for Brock, but Misty and Ash were pretty good ^^ keep it up.

Oh and I just thought I'd let you know, you left off the c in cruise in the first chapter near the top... (grammer is a pet peeve of mine, sorry ^^)

Lord Mike
May 29th, 2006, 12:07 PM
Kinda OOC for Brock, but Misty and Ash were pretty good ^^ keep it up.

Oh and I just thought I'd let you know, you left off the c in cruise in the first chapter near the top... (grammer is a pet peeve of mine, sorry ^^)

Believe me. If I see something grammatically incorrect, then I fix it right anyway. That is, if I find it.

Naminé
May 29th, 2006, 04:42 PM
Naminé suggest that sire here to perhaps take a few quick glance at a few of the sticky guides here? There are somethings listed within that reflects the common errors within this fanfic. Why, the story can always use some details in order to portray what the imagery is similar to in this story. What's the background like, where is the party located at the moment, and exactly what happened. Even a comedical story can always use some details to enhance its jokes. It's never too healthy for a fanfic to have numerous paragraphs that are only one line long in length, even if it is "just because" of dialogues.

As for the characters, they seem awfully OOC... Ash, Misty and Brock feel like a few random travellers who, with great coincidence, just happens to have those identical names instead of really being the ones everyone have known from the Pokemon anime for all these years...

Pray that she was of some assistance~

~Ozy~
May 29th, 2006, 05:17 PM
This... Okay, this can't even be described as competant. Your story is mostly dialogue with almost no narrative to describe locale, the details of it, the plot, character backgrounds, thoughts and feelings, or many other things. The dialogue also shows very little attention to charicterization. All of your characters are basically interchangeable. Namine is right in saying that they also appear very OOC. Your writing, what little of it there is for me to evaluate is stiff and unwieldy and shows little imagination. The most that I can give you is that you appear to have a decent command of written English.

Kijuna
May 29th, 2006, 07:39 PM
"MEOW!" Brock meowed.

Everything silenced. Even Gyrados froze.

"Uh. That was very strange!" Gyrados said.


That makes this better than your other piece of crap, but otherwise, everything I've said about that applies to this one.

Abolishing Flames
May 29th, 2006, 09:44 PM
I suggest that you improve a bit on your narrative sense since the story is lacking in it. I think there are topics here that help you improve in writing and maybe you could read those.

Lord Mike
May 30th, 2006, 07:58 AM
I left out the narrative for a reason. I was planning this to only have a bit of humor.