View Full Version : The Santa-Bush Conspiracy

Garouga! Bare Your Fangs!
May 26th, 2006, 11:24 AM
OOC: This isn't a story, this is just some stuff I actually researched, then wrote down in essay form. It's still writing, so I decided to put it here.

I have reason to believe Santa Claus and George W. Bush are working together to take over the world. Do not ask me why I spent an entire day researching this, because I do not know. I've been drinking Mountain Dew and watching the Fullmetal Panic Hamster Dance, so I am very hyper.

So...Santa and George W...First off is a well-known fact. Santa can travel the world in one night. So, why deliver presents? Why not food, or medicine, or money to BUY food and medicine? There are people in the world who can't afford it, yunno. This is where Bush comes in. If he can take over the world and make it one big America, then he can also force people to pass a law saying the Bush family may remain in office forever. Without food or medicine, the world becomes an easy target for the U.S. army.

Santa's elves supposedly have magical powers that allow them to make toys, right? Well, why can't they use those powers to make medicine and food to help the world? Because Bush is bribing them with promises of power in the new America. Or, rather, he promised SANTA power. Santa is a super-elf, so he has control over the others.

Christmas day is Judgement day. December 24th, or 12-24. 1+2 is 3. 2+4 is 6. THREE SIXES. The sign of the Beast. Move a letter in Santa, you get Satan. The popular red coat and hat are symbols for the rivers of blood that will spill.

Santa's possessions. Now, Santa has a sleigh with unlimited carrying capacity. You could easily fit anthrax, tear gas, and atomic bombs in it with room to spare. His genetically altered reindeer pose a threat as well. Aside from the ability to fly, they have super speed. And ANTLERS. Mix all three of those, and one reindeer could take down an entire country, army and all.

I have repeatedly called the Terrorist Tip Line, warning them of Santa's intentions. They blocked my number. Next, I decided to further my research by asking the local police a few questions, such as "Is everyone allowed to break into houses on Christmas Eve, or just fat white guys in red suits?" and "Are you aware that Santa can be charged with forced entry, animal abuse, and theft?".

Santa's known weaknesses are few. After a very, verrrry long time at the library I found out that he has one little-known weakness. NERF. Yes, the styrofoam darts. The rubber ends of them cut off his magical circulation because it's made of some crap he isn't immune to. Bush has no known weaknesses. Note why he is still in office...

A standard Santa defense kit should come equipped with these items, in case you run in to him this holiday season:

-Smoke grenade
-Signal flare
-Light artillery with 80 rounds
-Hand grenade
-Small med kit
-NERF with laser aim (this is important)
-Night vision goggles
-Bulletproof vest
-Light sword, like a katana
It may also help to learn basic Dark Magic.

A Bush defense kit is currently being worked on, but should be done soon. When encountering either threat, remember these three rules:

1: Katanas don't need ammo
2: NERF is the key to victory
3: Elves and reindeer are obstacles on the path to a free world

So remember, even Santa can be a threat to our world.

Gary, the Magic Fairy
May 26th, 2006, 12:43 PM
XD That's the funniest thing I've ever read!

"NERF is the key to victory" *lol*

You actually made a list for a defence kit... XD What's the signal flare for?

May 26th, 2006, 12:51 PM
Haha! Lol! Good story. Continue!

Garouga! Bare Your Fangs!
May 26th, 2006, 6:06 PM
OOC: The signal flare is for calling for backup. Santa is a tricky little demon...

IC: Earlier it occured to me that Santa does not require pay. "Santa" is a non-profit organization. They give to the world. So, how does he get the money to build his workshops, pay the elves, and restock on magical items? Simple. Santa has been distributing illegal substances throughout the world since the beginning of time. This trend has grown over time into a multi-million dollar business. That's right; Santa is responsible for the crack epidemic. How else do you get enough money to buy raw magic, pay millions of elves, and repair a workshop?

During my studies earlier I came across the term "holiday power". Holiday power is power gained from controlling a holiday. In order to control a holiday, you must murder the former owner. Santa's magic may be fueled by this 'holiday power', but that is not known for sure. If Bush were to betray Santa and take over Christmas, he would only have a little power. Not a big threat. However, using the Christmas army, he may be able to conquer the other holidays, therefore giving himself enough power to rewrite the Holiday Rules, which state that at least 4 holidays must agree to the changing of a rule. If Bush controls four holidays, he can change all of the rules to his benefit, using our times of joy for world domination. This is unlikely, seeing as Bush is too dumb to even try this.

Another frequently asked question is "How does Santa know you are sleeping?". The answer is Naruto. Santa has Byakugan eyes, which allow him to see everyone through the roof. Fake-sleeping isn't possible, either. Santa may also possess Sharingan eyes, which let him delve into one's mind. The stories that the Sharingan evolved from the Byakugan may have started with Santa, seeing as he possibly has both combined into some kind of Byaringan.

The Bush kit I promised last time is no longer an option. It will be viewed as an act of terrorism if I tell you what to take to kill Bush. So, use your imagination. Creativity is always viewed as a pleasent break from the ordinary things.

May 30th, 2006, 3:56 PM
Oh... my god. That is so hilarious. Was this a school report or... something to prove to us all that Santa and Bush are in league, and NERF is the key to victory?

You SHOULD continue. I shall keep checking back periodically, if I have the choice.

(i.e. there is very little choice)

Garouga! Bare Your Fangs!
May 30th, 2006, 6:21 PM
OOC: Second one...I got bored one day when I was home alone. I had 3 liters of a Mountain Dew ripoff, and I was listening to the Hamster Dance. Go figure.

Santa and eggnog. This idea hit me today, when I was wondering how Santa can fly around so fast. Well, I have a solution. D.U.I. Santa. Before each Christmas, Santa gets steaming drunk and tries to drive the sleigh. The results? He is going at least 1100 miles per hour, with an EMPTY sleigh. Imagine how fast on Christmas, when his sleigh is loaded. Another clue to Santa's drinking is the chimney. Why the chimney? Is it because the front door has the risk of a 200 pound dog ready to attack? Or maybe is it to impress the reindeer? Either way, he needs to cut back on the eggnog.

Santa's sleigh has an UNLIMITED carrying capacity, as I pointed out earlier. If he were to pick up a few terrorists and store them in the sleigh, they have a free ticket to America. After all, he is too drunk to remember good and bad.

Sumomo & Kotoko
June 1st, 2006, 5:02 PM

OMG!! That is so funny!! What about the cookies?? What does he do with those??

I'd love to see you continue this, its very funny.

June 2nd, 2006, 9:51 AM
Lmao XD This is so great XD I couldn't stop laughing, seems quite true asweel :P

Garouga! Bare Your Fangs!
June 2nd, 2006, 5:01 PM
Ah, the cookies...One of the most confusing parts ABOUT Santa. This is the base of it: A fat guy in a red suit breaks in your house to eat cookies and leave you presents. If every person he visits leaves cookies and milk out for him, then by the end of the night Santa would have consumed 15 million cookies and at least a hundred gallons of milk. Some people see their parents eating Santa's cookies. Well, those are the years Santa is on a diet and doesn't want your cookies. Being pure evil, he offers them to your parents instead of you.

Poisoned cookies will not work because of the risk of poisoning your parents. Instead, spy on the cookies. If your parents eat them, Santa is dieting. Then, NEXT year is an okay year to poison the cookies. After all, no one can stick to a diet for more than a year.

June 2nd, 2006, 5:31 PM
Haha, Thats great XD I'm loving it ^^ Thank you for doing all of this, It put a smile to my face xP

June 18th, 2006, 4:34 PM
This is really, really, weird. :D KEEP GOING!!!!

Garouga! Bare Your Fangs!
June 30th, 2006, 7:13 AM
I'm trying to find some more stuff...It'll be here sooner or later.

Leonardo Kabarudon
October 26th, 2007, 3:40 PM
This is hilarious! xD

Christmas day is Judgement day. December 24th, or 12-24. 1+2 is 3. 2+4 is 6. THREE SIXES. The sign of the Beast. Move a letter in Santa, you get Satan. The popular red coat and hat are symbols for the rivers of blood that will spill.

I love theorys of conspiracy!

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
November 2nd, 2007, 11:13 AM
Very old thread, don't revive topics this old on Other Writing.