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fallen_angel
May 27th, 2006, 07:27 PM
This is my first poem in a while. I hope you like it. ^_^

Never Never Land

Can you led me to
never never land?
Somplace that
is far away?

Can you give me hope
that you will come
and lead me far
far, away today?

Will you come when
I cry and wipe
the tears away
make me smile and laugh?

My expections
are way to much
I know you will
never come by.

So let me ask
a single thing.
Will you stay
by my side?

phantom_zangetsu
May 27th, 2006, 07:51 PM
of course i will....XD!

anyways...hmm..its good...i dont think here are some errors though....keep it up!

Persona
May 27th, 2006, 07:55 PM
Not bad. Good rhyming sheme. There's not much to it and I don't see any problems. In your first line, you said "Can you led me to". Its supposed to be lead.

Overall, a pretty good poem. ^^

Envy
May 27th, 2006, 08:30 PM
Agh! I'm not the first to post!! Why r u asking me that, u know I will always be right beside u. I'm going to the same schools as u! For the past what? 14 years and nonstop, my friend!
I love the poem just like the way I love u! ^ - ^

Kalylia
May 28th, 2006, 05:23 AM
Your rhythm was a little off in the third stanza, but other than that, very nice. In the stanza with the "cry and wipe" bit, I'd change the punctuation a little just to make it a bit clearer who's crying and who's wiping away the tears.

Nice job, though.

~Keep up the good work~

fallen_angel
May 28th, 2006, 09:42 AM
Thanks. I had led as lead. But I thought it was wrong so I changed it. >< Thanks for the advice they really help. ^_^

Abolishing Flames
May 29th, 2006, 09:58 PM
As far as I'm concerned, this may be an immitation of William Carlos William's style of poetry; although what you lack is the diction or word choice. Though you have conveyed a unique and proper rythm (and contrary to what the people said above me, there is no rhyme scheme...), the way you present words are quite redundant and lack an impact. Though that's just me. Keep up the work.

fallen_angel
May 30th, 2006, 07:00 AM
Thanks Abolishing Flames. Next time I write a poem i'll be sure to keep that in mind. ^_^

Emma
May 30th, 2006, 08:01 AM
Was okay I guess ^^ Some parts were a bit off in the rythem, Apart from that it was good :D

Demonta
May 30th, 2006, 08:27 AM
Very good Poem, I got nothing to say besides great! =0

fallen_angel
June 9th, 2006, 07:11 AM
Hehe thanks Emma and Demonta. ^_^