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View Full Version : The Brave Pikachu,Chapter 1.


Pikaki
April 8th, 2004, 07:14 AM
It was early morning where the Pikachu herd lived.They all ran out excitedly.There were apples everywhere!Every trees had apples!And all the Pikachu were excited all about that.But why didn't the youngest come out?It was still hiding in the cave.One Pikachu near the young Pikachu twitched it's ears.It ran into the cave with it and asked in Pikachu-talk,"Why won't you come out?All the others are eating apples!There e'verywhere!"The young Pikachu didn't answer until a few minutes."Because..."Pikachu shaked it's head confused."Because... why?"The young breathed in and out,"It's... it's scary out there!"Pikachu stepped back."You're serious?!"The young Pikachu replied,"Can you see?There are terrible,deadly strong Pokemon out there!Like Houndoors,Charazards,and maybe even a..."Pikachu interupted,"I can see your point... but since when did Charazards,Ivysaurs,and Houndoors live here?"The young Pikachu started to cry."But there are more deadly Pokemon around here than those!"It ran to the back of the cave.Pikachu was ashamed of himself.He should've asked the young one to brave outside with him.It would've been a better discussion and more safe of sadness.Pikachu sat down,closed his eyes,and fell asleep,hoping the young would come out...

Next time,on The Brave Pikachu:
The older Pikachu sadly sleeps on a tree.The young Pikachu gets lost in a dark forest.A lot of creepy sounds surround the forest around it.The young gets fright of whats ahead,beside,and near it.What will happen to the young Pikachu?Will it survive?Will it die?This might be a challange of fright for it!

Phoenix Boy
April 8th, 2004, 08:52 AM
Its ok a few problams thoguh:
1. Far too short a chapter
2. A bit more describtion (like of the forest and how the apples looked)

I also think:
Spoliers arnt that good for fan fiction as people then wont really need to read it

asher_son_of_ash
April 8th, 2004, 09:02 AM
I have to go with Phoenix boy there. The chapter is far too short...needs description...There are some spelling mistakes. And the preview of the next chapter is really not needed. Some people like suspence in an ending. Other than that, it's fine...

Phoenix Boy
April 8th, 2004, 09:08 AM
Its nice to have back up ;)

Whens the next chap comming????

Pikaki
April 8th, 2004, 10:19 AM
Sometimes the first chapter of a story is short,though... the next time I get enough free time,I will.

oni flygon
April 8th, 2004, 11:05 AM
Try using micrsoft word. You have a bunch of grammar mistakes (not spacing, spelling) and the two are right. Your story lacks description and I guess you have to make it longer, too... ^^;