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oni flygon
May 30th, 2006, 06:45 PM
I was procrastinating from my French essay as well as being irritated lately... so instead of writing the third part to the series of poems I've written lately, I decided to side track a bit and write a rant-like poem. Well... you get the idea. The fourth stanza is a music reference. This is more of a standard form of a poem. Obvious stanzas and rhyme schemes with a little bit of wordplay and some alliteration and parallelism. Enough jargon. Hope you enjoy!



Shallow?

Say, mister, I heard of someone talking about death
And the infinite praises without any depth.
Critics brandish their sword-sharpened tongues,
Hurling their shallow thoughts of dung.

Tell me, my friend, how long shall we write about
Death or the same love you can’t live without?
Too much blood and cuts sickens my soul,
You might as well blacken your face with coal.

Hey, friend, are you writing the same rhymes
Over and over, trying to be obviously sublime
With repetitive lines, and bland emotions,
Followed by fans with blind devotion.

Why, this poem is almost like that one song
About that guy who wants to sing along.
Although I don’t care about the scent of teens
When no one knows what it means…

Kalylia
May 31st, 2006, 01:23 PM
Shallow?

Say, mister, I heard of someone talking about death
And the infinite praises without any depth.
Critics brandish their sword-sharpened tongues,
Hurling their shallow thoughts of dung.

Tell me, my friend, how long shall we write about
Death or the same love you can’t live without?
Too much blood and cuts sickens my soul,
You might as well blacken your face with coal.

Hey, friend, are you writing the same rhymes (1)
Over and over, trying to be obviously sublime
With repetitive lines, and bland emotions,(1)
Followed by fans with blind devotion.

Why, this poem is almost like that one song
About that guy who wants to sing along.
Although I don’t care about the scent of teens
When no one knows what it means…(2)

Okay, the two places marked with a (1), your rhyme is good, save the number disagreement. In both places, you can make the four words singular and the poem still makes sense as well as works better in the rhyme department.

The place marked with a (2) is a personal preference deal. You're last line is a little short and breaks up the wonderful rhythm you'd previously set up. Try adding a word like "truly" or "really" between "it" and "means".

Other than that, a very nice poem! You're greatly improving through each poem, and I'm glad you continue to post! Again, good emotion, which is the ultimate in Poetry-goodness! :P

~Keep up the good work!~