PDA

View Full Version : What He Doesn't Know


Kitteh
June 4th, 2006, 06:38 PM
Meh. I'll post my poem... The sharks (critics) opinions don't matter, so go ahead and trash talk it... I already know it sucks. Well, here we go! This is a poem I wrote because the guy I like, doesn't know I like him... WEllz, enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~
What He Doesn't Know
Staring in his eyes,
Everything else disappears.
He understands me,
He dissolves my fears.
I can't wait to tell him,
Exactly how I feel.
What he doesn't know,
Is that my feelings are real.
What he doesn't know,
Won't hurt him.
So I guess I'll hide away.
What he doesn't know,
Is that everytime the phone rings,
I pray it's him.
So I guess that now,
With my feelings laying wide open,
He'll know without a doubt,
That what he doesn't know,
Won't hurt him-
For now.
~~~~~~~
What do you think?? I know it sucks, but please, I want honest opinions.

WEllz, peace and crackers,

~Kitteh~

Envy
June 5th, 2006, 05:23 AM
Um . . . it's pretty oka.^^
Needs some work though but still good!

Kitteh
June 5th, 2006, 10:18 AM
Um . . . it's pretty oka.^^
Needs some work though but still good!

This is the first poem I've ever written to post on a site... -hyperventilates- Thanks for the comment, I'll probably edit it... -dies-

WEllz, peace and crackers,

~Kitteh~

Kyosuke
June 5th, 2006, 11:20 AM
You shouldn't try and downplay yourself and constantly say it "sucks", don't worry.. it's good ^^

Your poem flows very nicely, but just in the middle of it there is somewhat of a.. awkward line

I'll show you:

What he doesn't know,
Is that my feelings are real.
What he doesn't know,
Won't hurt him.
So I guess I'll hide away,
And not tell him anything.

There is something about that one line that sort of throws off your poem, if you just removed that one line your poem would be even better. I'm really not trying to be a mean guy or a "shark" if it seemed like it.. I'm just trying to help you out with good intentions ^^'

Kitteh
June 6th, 2006, 11:57 AM
You shouldn't try and downplay yourself and constantly say it "sucks", don't worry.. it's good ^^

Your poem flows very nicely, but just in the middle of it there is somewhat of a.. awkward line

I'll show you:

What he doesn't know,
Is that my feelings are real.
What he doesn't know,
Won't hurt him.
So I guess I'll hide away,
And not tell him anything.

There is something about that one line that sort of throws off your poem, if you just removed that one line your poem would be even better. I'm really not trying to be a mean guy or a "shark" if it seemed like it.. I'm just trying to help you out with good intentions ^^'

Thanks. I'll see what I can do about fixing that.

Satine
June 6th, 2006, 12:41 PM
Pretty! I think it's pretty emotional ^-^...It's always good as you write poems when you are in love,then the feeling behind it is real. It isn't bad for your first poem on a site XD

code zerro the deluge
June 6th, 2006, 12:48 PM
I loved it. I thought it was great. Don't dobght your self next time.

Kitteh
June 6th, 2006, 02:23 PM
Thanks you guys... I've got two other poems I'm probably going to post... one's kinda... typical, and the other's just plain weird. LOL.

Kyosuke
June 6th, 2006, 02:25 PM
Post them and we'll be the judge of that!.. ah just kidding ^^; XD

Kitteh
June 6th, 2006, 02:29 PM
Post them and we'll be the judge of that!.. ah just kidding ^^; XD

They're posted already... lol.

Kyosuke
June 6th, 2006, 02:30 PM
Oops my mistake *is slow*.. XD