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emeraldslay
April 9th, 2004, 11:53 AM
Welcome to my fic!!! It is a trainer's journey that turns into a quest for Mew. It is set in the land of Cilrici - a land where a mixture of Jhoto and Kanto Pokemon live. Sorry - no new ones as I have not seen the series. I will include a few when I have read there profiles online.

My eyes flicked open and I looked at my alarm clock. 5:10, AM, it read. I stood up and turned the alarm clock off as it was set to go off at 5:20. I got into the shower and got dressed quickly. I could feel my heart beating and I knew the hour was near. For today, I start my own Pokemon journey. I had always been a little bit of a rebel. I usually snapped at my mom a little and normally got into trouble. But on the whole I figured I was an OK kid. Since I was five I had been talking about going on this journey. I had been really excited. I don't know a thing about Pokemon except the very basics. I sat down in the living room on the Sofa and was thinking deep thoughts. What choice of Pokemon would I get? I knew what path I was going to take. I wanted to compete in the Cilrici Pokemon championship. To do that I had to beat the seven gym leaders round Cilirici and get the seven badges. I would have to show the badges to compete in the championship. But first - I would need my starting Pokemon, my Poke'gear and a pokedex. When my mom and dad came down I stood up. My mom came over and hugged me tightly. When she let go she said "Son, it seems like just yesterday I was feeding you milk from a bottle...." And she launched into a speech and started to cry at the end. My dad walked up to me and told me about keeping safe. At the end of it all I checked my pack. I had the $300 safe and I was ready to go to Professor Forfent's lab. He was a respected scientist that studied Pokemon and set trainers on their way. I had passed his lab many times and knew him a little. I set off the sun in my eyes and hoped it was going to be a good journey ... a dawn of a new future. I continued across the concrete passing a few houses. As I passed one of them my freind, Jason, came out. He waved goodbye to his mom and came over to me. "Hi" He said and I replied "Hi! So this is it huh? Starting our Pokemon journey's together!" He grinned. "I know, it's really cool. Hey look, there's the Pokemon mart, we must be getting close!" We saw Professor Forfent's lab come into view with it's red bricks and brown roof. The lawn in front of his house had a sign on it saying 'POKEMON TRAINERS START THEIR JOURNEY TODAY' In big bold letters. We grinned to eachother and stepped up to the door. We rung the doorbell. The door opened to reveal a man with ginger hair and a moustache. "Hello. I am professor Forfeter. I suppose you have come to start you're Pokemon journey's?" He asked. I didn't say anything but Jason did. "Yes, we are" The professor grinned. "Ah, excellent. You are the first two that have arrived this morning!" He stepped to the side and said, "Do come in" We stared into the room. Everywhere were machines and microscopes and posters about Pokemon. The professor walked forward towards the silver door on the other side of the room. We both followed him and he pressed a button and the door opened. We followed him into what seemed to be some sort of garden. There were about seven pokemon all there doing one activity or another. "First of all, pick you're starter Pokemon. Pick any one you like and take you're time now - there's no rush!" I looked at them all in amazement. There was a sandshrew that was walking up to us to greet us. There was a phanphy that was play-fighting with a Pichu. There was a male Nidoran curled up asleep. There was an Evee that was eating out of a bowl. There was a Totodile that was jumping up and down at our arrival. In the corner of the garden was a Larvitar. It was alert but only it's eyes moved round. When he caught me staring at him he let out a low growl and turned away. I was kind of attached to it. It was rebellious, a little like me. I went over and kneeled down by it and stretched out my hand to touch him. But he looked at my hand then opened his mouh and clamped down hard on my finger. "Ouch!" I said and stood up, my finger red with pain. I looked at the larvitar. It had turned away once more. I looked at Jason and saw he was playing with the Phanphy. Professor Forfeter walked up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. "That's larvitar. I don't reccomend him at all. He is very non-social towards human's and has caused a few problems for me. He got into a serious fight with the Sandshrew and i ended up having to remove the Sandshrew from this containment area altogether for a while. It gets angry very quickly" I turned round and saw the serious look on Professor Forfeter's face. "I'm sorry you have to say that Professor, because I have decided that I want larvitar!" The professor nodded. "Very well, you may have him." The professor got a Pokeball from his belt an recalled larvitar in a flash of red light and handed the Pokeball to me. I clipped it onto my belt. Jason came back with the Phanphy on his shoulder. "I would like this one Professor" He said. The professor recalled him and gave the Pokeball to Jason. "Follow me" The professor said and walked into the lab. He pulled out to Pokedexes. One red and one blue. He handed the blue one to me and the red one to Jason. "They are you're Pokedexes. They will record data on Pokemon you have seen and caught. They are a handheld hi-tech encyclopedia's. Use them well" Next he pulled out two watches. "This is you're Pokegear. It works as a phone, map, and it tells the time" We both strapped it on. Finally, he gave us each five Pokeballs. "Use them wisely to catch and train Pokemon. Listen, I have faith in both of you. I hope that I will see you two competiting in the Cilrici championship!"

Cassie-chan
April 9th, 2004, 09:14 PM
Very good! Slight grammer mistakes, but that happens in all storys. Good job!

ScArLetSkye
April 10th, 2004, 06:33 AM
Hm, your's seems very interesting!^^
I wonder if Larvitar will lighten up a bit...

emeraldslay
April 10th, 2004, 07:57 AM
WhOOOOoooOO! Good reviews! Yay! Anyway - here is the next part, it brings the story along a little-

I turned and waved goodbye to the professor with Jason following me. We stepepd outside and onto the street. "So, where do we go from here?" Jason asked. "Well I thought we could go North, to route eight that brings us straight to Murney town, where we could battle our first gym leader and rceive our first badge!" I said enthusiastically. "Wow, it seems you have it all planned out! There are a few trainers in Murney town, we could battle them and eventually get stronger!" Jason said. We started walking towards the exit of our beloved hometown. We had never left the boundaries of this town, it wasn't safe without a Pokemon. We walked side by side until finally we saw the sign saying 'ROUTE 8' We entered long grass that came up to our ankles as we continued walking towards Murney town. A slight breeze sailed through the air when suddenly we heard a chirp from above our heads. We immediately stopped and looked up. "Its a Spearow!" Jason cried. Jason reacted immediately and pulled a Pokeball out of his pocket and shouted "Phanphy - go!" And in a flash of red light Phanphy stood. "Lets see what you can do!" Jason said and pulled out his Pokedex and turned it on. He pushed a green button and a robot voice came out of the Pokedex.
"Phanphy. Level 6. Attacks: Tackle, growl"
"Spearow. Level 8. Attacks: Peck, Tackle, growl"
Jason turned off the Pokedex and the pidgey swooped in towards Phanphy. Spearow flew down and rammed his body into Phanphy, tackling him to the ground. Phanphy was bruised and the Spearow flew into the sky and was coming round for another attack on Phanphy. "Phanphy, tackle!" Jason cried. As the spearow swooped down, the Phanphy rammed his body into the Spearow and the Spearow was rammed back but the Spearow flapped it's wings and regained balance. The angry Spearow came in at the Phanphy and started violently pecking at him as the phanphy growled in distress. Jason pulled out the Pokeball and recaleld Phanphy. The spearow looked at Jason. I deided to react and puleld out my Pokeball and I shouted "Larvitar, go!" The larvitar stood on the ground and I puleld out my Pokedex.
"Larivtar. Level 8. Attacks: Bite, leer, mud slap"
I put my Pokedex away. "Larvitar, use mud slap!" The larvitar let out a low growl and did nothing. "Come on!" I shouted but the larvitar did nothing. The spearow flew into the air and came at the Larvitar and the Larvitar growled and used Mud slap. He kicked up mud from the ground directly into the Spearow's eyes. The spearow screeched in distress and flew round in circles before launching into the air and flying away. "Alright!" I cried. "Good job" Jason mumbled. I came forwards to Larvitar so I could recall him but the Larvitar spun round, and used Mud slap on me! The mud went directly into my eyes and I staggered round clenching my eyes, screaming in pain. I turned and recalled Larvitar, still in pain. After two minutes the pain wore off. "That Larvitar has a major attitude problem" Jason said. "Tell me about it!" I said. But I had been warned by the professor not to pick Larvitar - but it was too late now. We carried on walking throughout route 8 when suddenly a bush ahead shook. Out of it came a Ledyba. Jason was about to launch Phanphy when suddenly I said, "No. I need a Pokemon to back me up, I'm going to catch this Ledyba!" I called out Larvitar. "Larvitar - bite!" I said but the Larvitar just stood there. "Larvitar!" I said getting angry. "Bite!!!" The larvitar shook his head, still refusing to weaken the Ledyba so I could capture it. "Errr!" I said angrily and decided to take my chances and simply throw a Pokeball at it without weakening it. I had to take my chances. I took out a Pokeball and tossed it at the Ledyba. It hit the Ledyba and went onto the ground and a flash of red light captured the Ledyba and he went into the Pokeball. The Pokeball shook once, twice... Then the Ledyba burst out! The ledyba flew into the distance. "No!!!" I said angrily. Jason laughed. "Tough luck, huh?" He said. Suddenly I saw something dissapear into the bushes behind me. "A Pokemon! Wait there Jason - i'll be right back!" I ran through the bushes where I saw the thing. Then suddenly I caught view of it. My mouth hung open in surprise. I was entranced by the creature's beauty. Hovering above the grass, was Mew. The most legendery of all Pokemon, beleived to be a myth. I stood staring. I may be the trainer to catch Mew!!!! The Mew said "Mew?" I pulled out a Pokeball and threw it at Mew with all my might. But a multicoloured bubble surrounded Mew and the Pokeball bounced right off. The Mew let out a litle giggle before flying off into the air leaving a trail of pink sparks behind. I ran back to Jason. "Jason, Jason!!!" I said excitedly.

emeraldslay
April 11th, 2004, 11:58 AM
As I ran through the bushes I saw Jason, but then decided against telling him. He probably wouldn't beleive so I just kept it my little secret. But I knew one thing. I had to catch that Mew. I would catch him! I pulled out my map. If I went east from Murney town that would bring me to Cuncuttter town and that would be roughly where Mew was heading. I caught up with Jason. "Any luck?" He asked curiously. "No, I didn't find anything" I said. We carried on walking through the long grass when suddenly my Pokegear beeped. I pressed a button on it and I saw professor Forfent's face. "Jerry - a theif is coming you're way! He broke into the lab and stole the remaining Pokemon! See if you can catch him!" Then it beeped and the professor vanished off the screen. Jason had heard the message as well. "Oh no! A theif!?" Jason said, a little scared. Suddenly a man with a black shirt and black trousers with a purple 'S' on his T-shirt and a hat was running towards us. We stepped in front of him. "Move out the way you little runts!" The man said angrily. "No - theif!" Jason said bravely. "What do you mean? I'm no theif!" The main said. "We know all about you stealing the Professor's Pokemon!" I said. "Just move out the way!!!" He said angrily and shoved us out the way knocking us onto the grass. "Hey!" I demanded and ran up to him. "Come back coward, afraid of a battle?" The man turned round. "Afraid of a battle? Team Slyneck is never is afraid of a battle!" Then he grabbed a Pokeball. I grabbed my Pokeball. He threw the Pokeball and standing there was an Evee - stolen from the Professor. I grabbed my Pokeball. "Go - Larvitar!" Larvitar appeared and was scratching his head and yawning. "Larvitar - use bite!" Larvitar did nothing. The Slyneck giggled. "Haven't trained you're Pokemon well, have you? Evee - tackle!" The Evee ran at Larvitar. The larvitar leapt into the air and landed behind Evee. Then Larvitar used Mud slap. Evee ran round in circles trying to shake the mud out of his eyes. Larvitar bit Evee and the Evee gasped in pain. The Evee then fainted. The Slyneck growled and recalled Evee. He grabbed another Pokeball and threw it. Totodile appeared on the ground. "Larvitar - mud slap!" I shouted in hope. The larvitar lay down - and went to sleep!? I shook my head and recalled Larvitar. "Ha ha ha ha!" He laughed. Suddenly Jason stepped forward. "Go Phanphy!" He said and Phanphy was out. "Phanphy - tackle!" The phanphy rammed into the Totodile who was knocked against the tree. The totodile fainted. Jason recalled Phanphy. The slyneck growled. "I'll get you for this!!!" He said and ran into the trees.

ScArLetSkye
April 11th, 2004, 02:51 PM
AAAH!Slyneck!!!
:D
Poor Eevee.:(

emeraldslay
April 12th, 2004, 12:07 PM
lol! Oh yeah, I better clear one thing up, Team slyneck is like team rocket. Its kind of a dumb name but I couldn't think of anything catchy. Anyway here is the next part:

I looked at my Pokegear. I pressed the 'on' button and dialled the professor's number. He appeared on the screen. "What is slyneck?" I asked immedaitely. "It's a team, at first everybody thought they were a joke when they started talking about how Pokemon have no feelings and if we mistreat them they will not care. But it seems they are serious now. Did you defeat that member?" He said. "Yes, I did" I said feeling a little proud of myself. "OK, continue on towards Furney town. Good luck!" He said then flashed off of the screen. We carried on walking through the route and soon we saw a sign saying 'Welcome to Furney town' The grass got shorter and finally we were walking on concrete. We came to a clearing and, surely enough, we saw furney town. But definetly not as we expected it. There were many members of team slyneck walking around. In front of every doro was at least one member of team slyneck. They kept all the people prisoners in their own homes! I looked at a big building with the word 'Gym' outside it. It was guarded by a member of team slyneck. We saw a pokecentre, it was being guarded! "Oh my god" Jason muttered. "This team has taken over the town!" We walked up to the guy guarding the Pokecentre. "Move out of the way!" I demanded. "Who's gonna make me? You?" he said in a mocking tone. "Yes, I am!" I said reaching for my Pokeball. "Give me a break. I'll crush you!" He said reaching for his Pokeball. "Go - Gligar!" He said and Gligar came from the Pokeball. "Go - Larvitar!" I said, silently praying that Larvitar would obey me. "Gligar - quick atack!" He said and the Gligar vanished in a flash and was behind Larvitar. Larvitar spun round and used Mud slap followed by a tackle that sent Gligar crashing into the ground. Two red beams came from his eyes and onto Gligar. I recognised it as 'leer'. Gligar's defence was weakened. Now with gligar's defence down Larvitar waited untill Gligar got up and tackled him once more making Gligar faint. The slyneck spat on the ground. "I may have failed, but Team Slyneck won't! Suddenly my Pokedex beeped. "Larvitar has learnt Sandstorm" A robotic voice said. The slyneck sped off. "Hey aren't you going to take you're Gligar?" I shouted to him. "I stole it, you idiot!" He said and sped off. "Congrats, but what are these Slyneck's doing here?" Jason asked. "Beats me" I said. Suddenly I had an idea. I got a Pokeball and threw it at Gligar. I caught it! Finally, a Pokemon that would listen to me!

Cassie-chan
April 12th, 2004, 02:24 PM
The story is pretty good! In that last chapter, you didn't quite make the battle long enough, but it's doing well!

ScArLetSkye
April 17th, 2004, 05:18 AM
It was a wee short, but a good part never the less!^.^
Oh, and this is off topic but: girlgenius, I LOVE your shiny Starmie!:D

emeraldslay
April 17th, 2004, 06:10 AM
Sorry I haven't updated the story in a while but I had to think a lot about what to put. Anyway, here it is!

We both stepped into the Pokemon Centre and saw the havock that had broke out. Three members of Team slyneck were stealing many Pokeballs from the Pokemon centre. "Stop it! Please!" Said the nurse. "Hey you can't do that!" Jason called out. "Oh yeah? Who says you little punk!" One member of Team Slyneck said. "I say! I challenge you to a Pokeman battle! And if I win you have to leave!" The Slyneck chuckled. "Come on boys - this little guy thinks he can take us on!" All three of them reached for there Pokeballs. "Wait!" I said quickly, suddenly realising something. "If you are tough then let me fight, as well! And let us heal our Pokemon first!" I said. "Fine!" One of them said. We quicky ran to the desk and handed our Pokeballs. She took them and put them in a machine that glowed and after a few seconds we were handed our Pokemon. The odds were against us. It was three against two. But we had to win! "Go - Phanphy!" Jason said and he tossedt he Pokeball that landed on the floor and in a flash of light Phanphy appeared. "Go - Gligar!" I said and out came Gligar. "Gligar!" Said Gligar. I took out my Pokedex. it said "Gligar. Level 12. Attacks: Poison sting, leer, quick attack" I put my Pokedex back. The slynecks sent out there Pokemon. "Go Heracross!" "Go Geodude!" "Go Sneasel!" I looked at there Pokemon. They were strong. "Gligar, quick attack on Heracross then use poison sting on Sneasel!" I shouted. Before the Slyneck could react my Gligar had dissapeared behind the Heracross and slammed his body into the Heracross. "Sneasel, dodge the attack and scratch!" The Gligar ran to Sneasel, his sharp point on his tail dripping with poison, but Sneasel leaped up and scratched Gligar leaving three red claw marks and making Gligar collapse onto the floor. "Phanphy, tackle!" Jason called out. Phanphy launched himself at the Geodude but the Geodude flew to the left then tackled Phanphy onto the ground. "Phanphy - quick attack!" Jason said. Before Geodude could react Phanphy had tackled Geodude onto the ground - but to little effect. Geodude wasn't hurt at all. "Jason - you take on sneasel i'll take on Heracross and Geodude!" I said. Jason nodded. "Phanphy - tackle Sneasel!" Phanphy leapt behind Sneasel and tackled her. The Sneasel went crashing into the floor. "Gligar - quick attack on Heracross and poison sting on Geodude!" Gligar used quick attack on Heracross that sent Heracross crashing to the ground before shooting a poisonous sting towards Geodude. Geodude became poisoned. He fell to the ground in distress as the poison began to destory his HP. "Gligar - tackle Geodude!" Gligar rammed Geodude onto the floor and then Geodude fainted. The angry Slyneck recalled Geodude. "Heracross - horn flip!" Said the slyneck. Heracross flew over to Gligar and flipped him onto the floor with his horn. Gligar crashed into the ground. "Heracross - body slam!" Said the slyneck. Heracross slammed into Gligar and Gligar fainted. "Gligar return!" I said, very agitated. "Go - Larvitar!" I threw the Pokeball and Larvitar came out in a flash of light. "Larvitar - bite!" Larvitar did nothing. "Come on Larvitar!" I said and the slyneck chuckled. Suddenly Jason said, "Phanphy - tackle!" He caught Heracross by suprise and tackled into him making the Heracross faint. The slynecks clenched there teeth and ran out the Pokemon centre. The nurses there cheered for us. But it was short lived. Five minutes later a man came into the Pokemon centre. "I am the boss of Team Slyneck! I heard you two were medalling in our business! We are stealing these Pokemon and we will not be stopped by the likes of you!" The man had a purple jacket on and a black T-shirt underneath with an 'S' on. He also had black trousers. Suddenly there were police sirens. He looked outside and saw many police officers on Motorcycles that had surrounded the Pokemon centre. "Team Slyneck - come out with you're hands up!" The boss of team slyneck looked round in distress. Suddenly he pulled out a cell phone and quickly dialled a number. There was no need for an introduction. "Send the Copter immediately!" He said and put the cell phone back in jacket pocket. He walked over to the window and saw a helicopter land. It had all the members of Team Slyneck in it. They were making an escape! The boss ran into the Helicopter and it took off and flew into the sky. By now quite a few locals had gathered round. Me and Jason ran outside and a police officer stepepd up to us. "Thank you for you're help boys - but they got away" Thats all she said before she turned round and ordered all the motorbikes to move out.

Cassie-chan
April 17th, 2004, 02:26 PM
That is a good battle scene, and well thought out. Good job!

P.S You like my starime, ScArLetSkYe? I got it here (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=6320)

ScArLetSkye
April 17th, 2004, 03:03 PM
Oh, thankies for the link!!!!

Ooh, motorbikes....cool......:D I liked that part....

pokemonwiz
April 20th, 2004, 09:13 AM
Cool story! If I had 300 thumbs, I'd give this story 300 thumbs up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :)

emeraldslay
May 9th, 2004, 09:55 AM
After that we both walked into the Pokemon centre, we needed our tired Pokemon to be healed. The nurse took our pokemon and healed them. "Thankyou for saving the Pokemon centre" She said, "Here you go - you can have this as a token of our appreciation" She handed us a spray bottle that had the words 'SUPER POTION' on it. "It will heal you're Pokemon when they are weak" She said. We thanked her and moved on. We went outside and were greeted by even more cheers. We walked towards the nearest person. "Do you know where the gym is?" We asked eagerly. "I wouldn't go there. It's pretty tough and beginners like you may not be able to handle it. But it's over there" He pointed to a large building with the words 'GYM' on either side of it. We thanked him and moved on. We stood in the shadow of the gym. We pushed open the door and walked in. There was a large arena and on the other side was a man around 19 with a deep blue hair. "I challenge you to a gym match!" I shouted across the arena. "And I also challenge you!" Jason shouted. The man stood up. "I accept you're challenge. I will take you on both at the same time" He said in a deep voice. This made us uneasy. He was very confident. We both grabbed our Pokeballs and he took one of his. I threw mine, "Go gligar!" I said. "Go Phanphy!" Jason said. "Go Charizard" The gym leader said and the red dragon jumped into the air and started flying up into the air. "Gligar, poison sting!" Gligar flew into the air his poisonous tail outstretched. "Charizard, dodge and use flamethrower!" Charizard flew into the air making Gligar miss completely and Charizard turned and opened his mouth. A beam of fire rushed out and covered Gligar completely. When the mass of flames stopped Gligar was left bruised and scratched and burnt. I quickly recalled him biting my lip.

More to come...

Mr Cat Dog
May 9th, 2004, 10:08 AM
AAAGH!!! MY EYES --> @_@ Before you post your next chapter, please learn how to paragraph, especially when a new person starts to talk. I'm surprised your eyes aren't like mine... Anyways, to review:

I'm not particularly happy that the starter was a Larvitar, since it's commonly overused in fics, and it eventually grows into this super-powerful Pokemon, which sometimes ruins trainer fics... But still. You can't change that now. The description so far seems a bit vague, but hopefully you will be able to sort that out. The storyline itself seems to be a bit slow, but since it's a trainer fic, that's to be expected. STill, trainer fics only really start to shine much later on in the story, that's why they're often so hard to write... but still. :D

~ MCD

Mew13
May 9th, 2004, 05:55 PM
I'd like to see some Paragraphing too!! It's hard to read and understand when your not sure who's talking... I love the battle scenes! They are very cool and well described, but I have no idea what the terrain is like.... I love the storyline however and am looking forward to another encounter with Mew!! (I'm also obsessed with Mew and writing!!)

emeraldslay
May 22nd, 2004, 07:50 AM
Thanks for the honest opinions...if anything. Im sorry about the paragraphing! Oh yeah, and Mr Cat Dog who said he is going to keep Larvitar anyway? Anyway continuing with the chapter...

Charizard turned and flew towards the terrified Phanphy who backed off a little, obviously scared.
"Phanphy, evade Charizard and use tackle!" Jason said desperatly. Phanphy leaped out of the way before tackling Charizard with all the might he had in his little body. Charizard was hurled into the wall, but not effected much.
The gym leader s******ed at the attempts of the little Pokemon. "This is barely even a challenge, I'll finish you off right now! Charizard, flame spit!"
The charizard continuously spat fireballs at Phanphy. The Phanphy jumped and leaped about but eventually was hit by one of the fearsome fireballs and fainted almost immediately. The situation was indeed grim. I looked round the huge arena nad looked at the ring surrounded by fire in which the Charizard was roaring with victory in.
"Go Larvitar!" I shouted in a desperate attempt to at least make the Charizard's HP drop. "Charizard, bite!" The gym leader shouted. The Charizard swooped down and snapped at Larvitar who swiftly jumped out the way. "Larvitar-mud slap!" I shouted knowing that it would be quite effective against a fire type such as Charizard. But instead Larvitar simply stood there doing nothing. The gym leader giggled. "Charizard - flamethrower!" The Charizard opened his mouth and let out a gush of flames.
The Larvitar fainted upon contact with the rush of flames. I recalled him. "You win" Jason said and turned for the door and I followed. "It seems I do. Come back when you've grown up you inexperienced silly trainers" The gym leader said. We walked out and headed for the Pokemon centre. "I can't beleive how tough he is" I said to Jason as we walked across the concrete and towards the Pokemon centre. "I know, we need to train more!" I said.

Ill add more after

Intuition
May 22nd, 2004, 08:05 AM
Mmm, I like ur story! Good job, keep up the good work :);)

capalex65
May 23rd, 2004, 02:06 AM
i also like your story and I ALSO LIKE MEW!!!

emeraldslay
May 25th, 2004, 08:56 AM
As I turned round to take one last look at that gym, I knew in my herat that I WOULD return. One day, I would beat that gym leader. But, as for now it was time to carry on and move on from this town. But I was still thinking about my encounter with the legendary Mew. I had hoped to see it again, although deep down I knew the chances of that were slim to none. Those who had seen Mew once were extremely lucky, there have been only three reported sightings ever. But still, I was hoping to see Mew again. I picked up my map and showed Jason. "Why don't we go up this route and into Flunodor? It is supposed to be the gym for starters and there is even it's own mini-tournament for people who have beaten that gym leader" Jason agreed and we were on our way. When suddenly a young trainer stepped out in front of us holding a pokeball. "So you are the heroes who drove the robbers out of town, huh? Lets see how tough you really are in a battle!" Jason stepped forward. "I'll handle this" He said. "Go, Phanphy!" He said. Phanphy came out ready for battle. "Go Ekans!" The trainer said. "Ekans, use bite!" The ekans slithered over to bite Phanphy his jaws wide open. "Phanphy, jump and use quick attack!" Phanphy leaped over Ekans who bit into thin air. The Ekans turned and went to bite Phanphy who ran to the back of Ekans before using tackle. Ekans was sent hurling into the side of a mart and fainted. The trainer recalled Ekans, obviously agitated. "Go bellsprout!" he said and out came a bellsprout. "Phanphy - tackle!" Jason said. The phanphy tackled the obviously untrained bellsprout who fainted. The young trainer moaned in annoyance before stomping off to a Pokemon centre.

Ill edit and add more in the next few days...

capalex65
May 29th, 2004, 04:26 AM
in a few days??? now it has been more than a week so are you gonna finish it cos it's really good

emeraldslay
May 30th, 2004, 10:27 AM
Sorry I have Writers block!

:dead:

capalex65
May 30th, 2004, 10:45 AM
:dead: not good :( really not good :(:(:(:(:(:(

ScArLetSkye
June 1st, 2004, 07:07 AM
It's good! More, more! o___o
XD
But please make some paragraphs in your story, for it's a bit hard to read.^^;

emeraldslay
June 1st, 2004, 08:57 AM
In the next few days! Hopefully my writers block will of gone!

Goten Shy
June 2nd, 2004, 08:08 AM
A review for what I assume is chapter one =P

Grammatical Review

The first sentence of the Fic is good as you have described what is happening, as you have through out the rest of the chapter. Your grammar also seems to be good, your not using to many abbreviations ok instead of okay so thats good. But I did see it once, but I suppose this was to build on the fact that he though he was an OK boyso ill let you offaint I kind?
---

However: I You kind of drained that puppy after about 6 or 7 sentences. Just about at the begging of every sentence is I.

I got into the shower and got dressed quickly. I could feel my heart beating and I knew the hour was near. For today, I start my own Pokemon journey. I had always been a little bit of a rebel. I usually snapped at my mom a little and normally got into trouble.

6 times in 5 sentences ^^ I know it can be hard to think of alternative words and phrases, but just play around a little. This is also the reason that 1st person Fic are harder to write, or any 1st person novel By taking some of these out, it would all sound a lot more fluent:

I got into the shower and got dressed quickly. My heart beating against my ribs and I knew the hour was near. For today, my very own Pokemon journey would begin! I had always been a little bit of a rebel, usually snapping at my mom a little and normally getting into trouble.

There we have only 3 Is and it sounds a lot more fluent.

Thats all I can find :p

Storyline Review

Original x2! The overall storyline seems to be original, and completely original characters. The way that the Pokemon didnt like the trainer was a little ash and Pikachu so ^^ I aint read anymore but from this chapter I guess they will learn to love each other.

Overall

Minus the fact there were to many Is I think, it was original, and almost very well written. So out of 10Im going to give you 6.5-7/10 So yeyiness I guess =P

emeraldslay
June 3rd, 2004, 04:46 AM
Hey thanks Goten Shy! I'll try and stop using 'I' but in the first bit you see I accidentally write it in third person so I went over all the he's with I's. That might explain it. Thanks for the full review! I appreciate it! Oh yeah and can I ask everyone (not just you goten shy) Why do you all think Larvitar will learn to like the main charecter? Its not written in stone just yet! Anyway here is the next part:

I walked out of the light of the town and up a path that had 'Route 43' by it. Darkness flooded past us and we shivered as the cold winds blew past us. "Maybe we should spend the night in the town" Jason said. Indeed, the offer sounded very good, but I knew I would face challenges and I didn't want to look like a wimp. "Afraid of the dark?" A voice said from nowhere before I could reply. "Who's there!?" Jason demanded. "You're worst nightmare" Came the shrill reply.
"Stop it! Just leave us alone!" Jason said.
"Make me!" The unseen stranger said.
Ill edit and add more tomorrow

Goten Shy
June 3rd, 2004, 08:43 AM
A trainer for mew 2:

Can I ask a personal question? How old are you. Just to see how good you are for your age =P Sorry if that sounds rude ^^ Anyway,

I walked out of the light of the town and up a path that had 'Route 43' by it.

Its good. However, once again it seems tosharpies. Like a Zigzagoon :p It sounds like only one thing is happening at a time. Connecting the sentences with connectives (However, Also, and so on) and stuff like semi colons and commas (; ,) to make the sentences sound more fluent and some more, higher vocabulary words and cleverly placed words:

I walked out of the light of the town and up a path which had a sign saying 'Route 43' placed to one side of it; about 3 meters of the way along.

I have extended the sentence here making it sound more interesting and flowing so to speak. Also, these could have been to separate sentences but I linked them up using a semi colon, in a test that would really boost marks ;) :p But yea, try expanding on vocabulary a little more (even though you vocabulary is okay now) and use more developed skills like using semi colons.
---

Came the shrill reply.
"Stop it! Just leave us alone!" Jason said.
"Make me!" The unseen stranger said.

If this conversation was to expand, I suspect there we be a lot more said in it. Using that word once or twice through out a chapter is okay, but using it again and again isdulling =P Now what is in bold was really good! Descriptive and no said. But the next to linesSaid and said. Other words could make it sound more interesting. Words like Uttered, Mumbled, Spoke, and try adding in some Adjectives. If you use adjectives wisely you could even get of with saying said a few more times.

Came the shrill reply.
"Stop it! Just leave us alone!" Jason shouted explicitly.
"Make me!" The unseen stranger returned, calmly and quietly

Thats a bad example but along those lines =P

capalex65
June 19th, 2004, 05:35 AM
Ill edit and add more tomorrow

he said and now it's the 19th June