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Midori Chi
June 13th, 2006, 08:28 AM
This emotion I have,
The feeling I feel,
I get so happy,
and I know it's real.

Thank you so much,
for being my friend.
We'll be together,
till the very end.

When you stay by my side,
I'm filled with shine.
You overjoy me,
you friends of mine.

Thank you so much,
for being my friend.
We'll be together,
till the very end.

When we talk on the phone,
When we meet at a place,
I'm filled with joy.
I'm filled with grace.

Thank you so much,
for being my friend.
We'll be together,
till the very end.

Through all the good times,
and through all the bad.
When we're happy,
and when we're sad.

Thank you so much,
for being my friend.
We'll be together,
till the very end.

As a friend, I love you. It's true.
Let's be together, me and you.
My friend, my pal, my buddy, my sis.
I know very well, and I say this:

Thank you so much,
for being my friend.
We'll be together,
till the very end.

Mew_3
June 13th, 2006, 08:40 AM
Very nicely done, Midori Chi. This poem is impressive...
You should write poems more often.

~Ozy~
June 13th, 2006, 06:37 PM
What went wrong: It seems to be consistantly limited, and is obviously victim of writing to a rhyme scheme. That, in turn, feels clumsy and amaturish. Consequently, the poem loses its flow in a way that a free or blank verse piece would not have while converying the same ideas. Consider breaking out of a conventional rhyme scheme if youy do want to continue with it.

There are also some places that are either repetitive or make less than total grammatical sense, again, due to writing to a rhyme scheme. I can't really say how to fix this, other than to say that you have to let the rhyme come to the poem, not the poem to the rhyme.

I also disliked the bluntness of it. Try to be more oblique in the meaning of your poem, it has a far greater influence on the reader if you don't directly talk about friendship, but instead, allude to it.

The other major issue I have is the repeating stanza. By the time I'd read half the poem, it had lost all possible meaning and was wasted space. Consider using it as the opening stanza and the closing to give the piece a sense of continuity.

What went right: You DID hold a consistant rhyme scheme throughout th piece, without relying on approximate rhyme. That is commendable in its own right. You do have some emotional meaning, rather than a vapid, dead poem. That adds a good bit of value.

My advice: Work on making your poetry less stiff, focus less on the rhyme, more on the emotion. Allude to that emotion as well. Perhaps use stronger imagery and metaphor? Definately make an effort to be less blunt.

Overall score: 6/10.

Sankari
June 14th, 2006, 06:54 AM
I have to say that I feel the same as Ozy when it comes to you tried harder on rhyming more than the emotion, but altogether this poem is soothing. It makes you feel lucky to have a friend. It's also one of those few poems you find on PC that doesn't bum you out. Instead, it lifts your spirits. You have a nice spark there, Chi.

Midori Chi
June 15th, 2006, 06:11 AM
Thanks for your comments. ^_^
I'll be sure to focus on all those things then when I write my next poem. Thank you very very much.

adamsattaur
June 16th, 2006, 01:48 PM
this was rubbish as it made no sense as u tried 2 ryme it

ArKiVe
June 17th, 2006, 03:46 AM
That was a very good poem. It all fit perfectly into place.

phantom_zangetsu
June 17th, 2006, 05:57 AM
aww i wasnt the one to post first!
wow ozy sure is a looooong typer! O_O!

well, i dont care what anyone says, dat poem is good.....just good, and nothing better!
try to improve though cuzzin!

Midori Chi
June 18th, 2006, 05:24 PM
Thanks. ^_^
I see to some it's bad, and to some it's good. Heh. Next time, I'll try and make a poem that has nothing bad about it. It's something challenging for me.