June 19th, 2006, 11:44 AM
here's one of my first poems
Take Me Away
No one seems to like me no one
Seems to care,I wish someone
Out there would find me and
Take me away from here.Take
Me away I need to be healed,
For I have a broken heart that
Needs mending and one that no one
Can heal it. Take me away from all the
Torment,take me away from the pain
And suffering,Take me far away from here
Far from theese beasts. For I need to heal
And there is no one here who can help
Or understand my tormented soul. I need
To get away from this horrible nightmare.
I need to find away out of this horrible prison.
For all I want is to be loved,for I am a tormented
Soul who longs for love.
By Black_kitsune_rioku copyright2006-2010
June 19th, 2006, 11:49 AM
Somtimes I just wanna fly.
Spread my wings and fly far away from this horrible place.
Far from the violence
Far from the evil ones
Fly away to a safer place
A place where everyone is nice
A place where no one is evil
A place where there is no violence
That place is heaven.
And heaven is not so far away as people think.
You see you have always had heaven,heaven
Is your soul,heaven is what your dreams are made of
June 19th, 2006, 11:53 AM
Here's one of my other ones
You Are The One
You are the one.
I know because you are always there to make
It right. You are the one for me. For you take
Up the biggest space in my heart. You are the one
I love. For it is you who makes things right.
You fixed my broken heart. You mended it with
Your kindness, For that I thank you for you have
Taught me how to love and how to trust again.
You are my love.
June 19th, 2006, 11:55 AM
thease are my poems and i made them myself so please don't copy I will know if you do!!
sorry just have to post this after what happend last time
Tha Pkmn Prodigy
June 26th, 2006, 04:13 PM
these poems are god, Black_kitsune_rioku! i have been writing some poems myself
June 30th, 2006, 06:04 AM
All right, I'll just critique the first one to start off with. I might do the others later.
What went wrong: One, this seems so terribly generic. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the same ideas, the same phrases even repeated over and over in one poem or another. Try to show me something new, something exciting, something that every teenaged poet (yes, myself included) has not written at one point or another. Two, your consistent use of enjambment (a line break in a place where one wouldn't normally put it) gorws very wearisome, particularly in the middle of a sentence. The technique further doesn't work well with the rythmic style you've chosen, namely, blank verse. It can be confusing and annoying. Third, your word choice is severely lacking. There is a phrase my English teachers drilled into my brain, "Show me, don't tell me." This is definately the latter. Look for more vibrant words, phrases. Play with language a little. That also leads me into your lack of imagery. Anyone I've critiqued knows I harp on this, but I beleiev imagery is a necessary element of a poem. Use a scene to convey emotion instead of telling your readers the emotion itself. I promise you, the latter is more impactful. Fourth, there seems to be no emotion to this poem. It could simply be how tired and generic the subject matter feels to me, but it doesn't seem heartfelt. Finally, it's not the most glaring of problems, but you have several unecessary words thrown in. Not just places where they could be cut, but words that have no grammatical place in the sentence.
What went right: Though your word choice seemed lacking, it is larger than that of many others I have read here. You also show a better command of the English language than a good bit of what I have seen. These are both commendable. You also didn't try to make the poem fit into an archaic rhyme scheme or rhythmic structure.
How to improve: If you want to continue with this particular piece, I would suggest rewriting it from the ground up. However, I would suggest you continue more in the vein of your latter two poems and focus particularly about completing a thought within one line. It's easier to begin with than breaking thoughts into seperate lines. Also, focus on using more vibrant words. Make the poem come alive in your reader's mind. Play around with color in particular. Color, sound, touch. Find words that call up physical sensations. Also, may try freewriting a little before you put your thoughts to verse. It clears out all of the junk. Finally, just keep writing poetry. If you do that, you'll improve naturally.
Overall score: 3/10