View Full Version : Join Me

June 22nd, 2006, 12:10 PM
A short poem I made... Hmm. Rate it on a scale of 1/10

Join Me
Just when you see
That we were meant to be
You'll see, You'll see...

Under the power of Death
I give A sigh of Relief
Only another strange belief...
When under the reign of Death...

Join Me
In Death
We can be
Then you'll see...
Let the world see...
That Death can bring us together, Join Me...



One Charmed Dude
July 3rd, 2006, 7:08 AM
great poem!!!! it's short as you said but i have to admitt it's pretty good!!!
and finally, a person writing poetry who is my age i don't feel so lonley anymore!!!!lol, great poem!!!
i give it a 8/10, awesome poem!!!!

July 3rd, 2006, 7:26 AM
Unfortunately, I have to disagree... Oh dear, please don't take this personally.

What went wrong: Okay, I HATE generic, whiney, emo poetry. There's no real difference between this piece and one that an ex-friend of mine wrote, or any of his newer friends. It all looks the same, it all has basically the same message. There's only so many ways you can phrase a disdain for life. Your second problem is unecessary repitition and a lot of it. It becomes meaningless to the reader. It no longer has any purpose, particularly in a 3-4 line stanza. It wouldn't be as much a problem had you split the repetitive lines up into different stanzas. Third, I don't see any purpose in writing this. I detect little to no honest emotion and see nothing new to catch my interest. Fourth, it's so blunt. I know I harp on this so often, but I firmly believe it needs to be harped upon. You're telling me what's going on instead of making me see it, making me FEEL it. What's the point of a poem devoid of emotion? Finally, your word choice is rather lacking It's the same two or three end rhymes with little content in between them.

What went right: Well, I suppose I can commend you for writing poetry at your age. Keep writing, I promise you'll improve.

How to improve: For this particular poem? Trash-can basketball. In general? Work on moving out of that depressive, generic and mindless vein. After that, focus on improving your word choice. Make the poem come alive in the reader's mind. To quote my English teachers, "Show me, don't tell me." Keep in mind, this isn't a fic. You have to make every word count.

Overall score: 1.5/10

July 10th, 2006, 7:27 PM
Riight.... Okay then... =/

July 11th, 2006, 3:35 PM
Don't be disappointed! ~Ozy~ had good intentions and points; you mustn't submit your poetry to the more outright depressing, platonic side. It simply won't attract many people! And remember the amount of views do not equal the amount of reviews. ^-^ ''''

The poem was...hmm. You should try harder. It can go in the right direction if only you avoid the pointless repetition and the way overused theme of love/death. Those words sound cool, I know, but you have to learn how to use other words. Poetry isn't about pretty words. It's how you use them. Give subtle variety and surely in the end, as long as you bear your mistakes, you'll come out fine. May everything go smoothly! ^o~

Ooh...I can't rate it in that scale. It's too inaccurate. >.<~

-Mikuru ♥