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One Charmed Dude
July 1st, 2006, 06:45 AM
The Way You Go

The way to go is the way your heart flows.
Your heart will never lead you wrong,
it follws only love's song....

You couldn't run if you tried,
your heart can't be defied.
You will always know the way to go
if you see what's inside you and me.

You can't stop yourself from loving the way
your heart takes you every day.
Even if that way seems to suck,
your heart won't run amuck.

You can't stop the pull of it,
your heart will keep one candle lit.
It will always be clear to you,
if you keep close who's dear to you.

The only way to go..
is the way you feel your heart flow.
Your mind cannot stop
your heart from tying you in an emotional knot...


You hear your mind scream,
this horrible world can't be a dream!
But your heart pulls you the way you need to go.
So let your mind scream all it wants, it can't do anything at all
You heart just uses you as a puppet or a doll.

Your body and mind can't why your heart
always seems to cry.
It's like a boulder banging at your head,
you can do nothing to stop the misery and dread.

But after a long time
you can figure out your not mine.
You find yourself when you can't sleep,
all you're able to do is cry and weep.

Thoughts spining 'round your screaming mind,
you just need only one person to be kind.
Then the thoutghts finally clear,
you're not the only one who ended up here.

You've finally won the fight,
your head clears, it's no longer night.
Now you know what we all feel,
most of us have the same ordeal.

phantom_zangetsu
July 2nd, 2006, 05:10 AM
hmm.....i like the poem....but for me only, i dont like the message, and i dont believe it....but besides that its a very good poem! keep it up dude!

Kalylia
July 2nd, 2006, 08:03 AM
Definatly better than the last ones I've read, but you're still having grammar problems. I didn't like the lines ending in "suck" and "amuck". They didn't fit the word choice of the rest of the poem.

The abrupt change in stanza style was a little odd, as well.

But, all in all, I can tell you're improving!

One Charmed Dude
July 3rd, 2006, 06:49 AM
thank you all, i worked really hard on that poem and thats just different opinions..... oh and the message is supposed to be that emotions can lead you in both the right and wrong directions. i threw words like suck and amuck in to mix it up a little so it wasn't all dull and the same!!!!!! hope you enjoy my poem... and please post your opinion!!!! oh and more people reply please!!!!! oh and what the heck is stanza??

~Ozy~
July 3rd, 2006, 07:12 AM
What went wrong: Again, your grammar and word choice aren't perfect. You show a marked improvement in this piece. Nonetheless, it could use a little work. My other problem being that it is again, too direct in its meaning for my liking. I prefer to let a poem stew a while before I can decide on what the author is trying to say. You're still being very blunt. Also, as Nagoyaka Aikouka said, the abrupt shift takes the reader from the flow of the poem. It's a little confusing, particularly because you also alter the rhythm. Finally, and again, as my pet said, the "suck/amok" line is a trifle clumsy.

What went right: Wow! Your improvement in this piece really impressed me. The emotion in it came through much stronger than in prior works and your general command of poetic technique seemed improved as well. Your rhyme (in general) felt less clumsy, and your rhythm (excepting the shift) was strong in both segments. Keep at it.

How to improve: Again, work on mechanics. Maybe try writing a free/blank verse poem to try and break free of having to rhyme constantly. Also, perhaps add a transitionary stanza between the two segments, or break it into two seperate poems to keep the reader involved in the poem.

Overall score: 5.5/10

One Charmed Dude
July 3rd, 2006, 07:15 AM
well thanks i'm going to keep at it i'm trying to write a new one now, but it might take a while!!!lol thats ok!!!!! and could some one pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaase tell me what is wrong with the grammer??? i don't see it!!! oh and thanks for the opinions!!! and one more thing, the reason i shift like that is so it doesn't repeat itself over and over, and to keep the reader on their toes!!! so this way they don't know what to expect and to make them keep reading, and last to keep tham in supense and fully understand the entire poem!!!!!

Kalylia
July 3rd, 2006, 09:15 AM
Okay, you asked for it, and thus, I give it to you. This is everything that went wrong in the poem as nit-picky as I can possibly manage to be.

“The way to go is the way your heart flows.
your heart will never lead you wrong,
it follws only love's song....”

Okay, here we have “lead you wrong”. I’d choose “steer you wrong”. It just makes more sense. Capitalize “Your” at the beginning of the second line. Capitalize “It” at the beginning of the third line. You also misspelled “follows”.

”You couldn't run if you tried,
your heart can't be defied.
You will always know the way to go
if you see what's inside you and me.”

Try a period at the end of line one instead of a comma. Capitalize “Your” at the beginning of line two. Capitalize “If” at the beginning of line four. As a rule, capitalize the beginning of EVERY line in a poem. This stanza (a stanza is a grouping of lines in a poem) goes against your rhyming pattern. “go” and “me” do not rhyme, but in all the other stanzas, you have an AABB type rhyme scheme. (Meaning, the first two lines rhyme and the second two rhyme).

”You can't stop yourself from loving the way
your heart takes you every day.
even if that way seems to suck,
your heart won't run a muck.”

Capitalize “Your”, “Even”, and “Your”. The suck and muck still bother me because they totally go against all of the word choice you were previously using. You can use words to keep your readers on their toes, but don’t try to shock them into a coma. Place a period after “muck”, as well.

”You can't stop the pull of it,
your heart will keep one candle lit.
It will always be clear to you,
if you keep close who's dear to you.”

Capitalize “Your” and “If”. Try a period instead of a comma at the end of line one. There is no need for a comma after “you” in line three. Rhyming “you” and “you” is slightly redundant.

”The only way to go..
is the way you feel your heart flow.
Your mind cannot stop
your heart from tying you in an emotional knot...”

Never only use two “..” for anything. It’s always “…” (three). In fact, there is no need for punctuation at the end of that line because the sentence continues in the next. Capitalize “Is” and “Your”. This is an odd stanza because it goes against the rhythm and flow you had previously set up. You don’t want to do that. One point of a poem is to set up a nice rhythm and flow and carry that through the rest of the poem. You can change up stanzas, but you want to do it sparingly and actually fit those changes into the overall rhythm.

”You hear your mind scream,
this horrible world can't be a dream!
But your heart pulls you the way you need to go.
So let your mind scream all it wants, it can't do anything at all
You heart just uses you as a puppet or a doll.”

And here’s where things really change. You started with three-lined stanzas, went to four, and now all of a sudden there’s five. This kind of change is what you want to avoid to maintain the rhythm and flow you’d worked so hard to set up. Capitalize “This”. Put “This horrible world can’t be a dream!” into quotation marks because it’s something that your mind is saying/thinking. “Wants” should have a period after it and “it” should then be capitalized. They are two separate sentences. What you have there is known as a run-on. There should be a period after “all”. “You” should be “Your”.

”Your body and mind can't why your heart
always seems to cry.
It's like a boulder banging at your head,
you can do nothing to stop the misery and dread.”

And the stanzas change again… “Always” and “You” both need to be capitalized. I think you want to put something like “understand” or “see” between “can’t” and “why”. There needs to be a verb there… Boulder seems a little large to be banging at my head, but… And the second line does not fit at all with the other lines in this stanza.

”But after a long time
you can figure out your not mine.
You find yourself when you can't sleep,
all you're able to do is cry and weep.”

Line one should have the following commas: “But, after a long time,”. Capitalize “You” and “All”. “your” in the second line should be “you’re”. “You’re” is the contraction “you are”. “Your” shows possession. Put a period at the end of line three, not a comma.

”Thoughts spining 'round your screaming mind,
you just need only one person to be kind.
Then the thoutghts finally clear,
you're not the only one who ended up here.”

Spelling errors: “spinning” and “thoughts”. Capitalize “You” and “You’re”. Put a comma after “Then”. Place a period after “clear”, not a comma.

“You've finally won the fight,
your head clears, it's no longer night.
Now you know what we all feel,
most of us have the same or'deal”.

Spelling error – “ordeal”. Capitalize “Your” and “Most”. Put a period at the end of line one and three, not commas.

Does that answer your questions?

Liquinn
July 3rd, 2006, 09:28 AM
Nice Poems :D Keep going :P

One Charmed Dude
July 3rd, 2006, 09:42 AM
well yes but, i disagree with some of the corrections, such as put periods where comas are and to change words like you said"i would use steer instead of lead" that's your opinion. i really see nothing wrong with this poem, but a few spelling errors. But, what do you want from me? i'm a 12 year old on summer break!!!! my mind is like mush right now, it finally gets a break to relax!!!!!!!!but some things you said i did agree with like spelling errors i missed when i checked the poem, thanks for those!!!

Kalylia
July 3rd, 2006, 09:58 AM
I promise you that where I said to use periods instead of commas are correct. I'm a Senior in High School with an average of 101% in English. You asked for the grammar corrections, I gave them to you. I'd appreciate it if you'd accept the fact that I actually spent time doing that. Word choice, I realize, is my own opinion, but grammar is NOT an opinion. It's fact. Periods end sentences. Commas don't. Putting commas where you did creates run-on sentences. Those are big no-no's.

One Charmed Dude
July 3rd, 2006, 10:10 AM
that i know the periods and stuff i mean. but i put commas there because i wanted to. oh and i appreciate it too, i used some of your corrections thanks!!!