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code zerro the deluge
July 2nd, 2006, 10:18 AM
Wanna love you girl wanna love you girl
Wanna love you girl wanna love you girl
Wanna love you girl wanna love you girl
Wanna love you girl wanna love you girl

Ohx4


I am getting older losing my swagger
But I still sharp at throwing the daggers
That girl walked by I go to go bag her
She saw me I knew I had her
Her constint stare like a lather
So go go
Pick up the flow
So evil demons wont let me go

Ohx4


Wanna love you girl wanna love you girl
Wanna love you girl wanna love you girl
Wanna love you girl wanna love you girl
Wanna love you girl wanna love you girl


Ohx4


No problems but she got issues
Blow my nose but she'll steat and miss use
Me and If I am here for eternity
So bling bling
Fast and furious
After the big bang she still deleirous

Wanna love you girl wanna love you girl
Wanna love you girl wanna love you girl
Wanna love you girl wanna love you girl
Wanna love you girl wanna love you girl


Ohx4


Phantom of Death I did it again

~Ozy~
July 3rd, 2006, 07:03 AM
What went wrong: You can do better. I've seen your earlier work and there's much more to it than this. One of my main problems was the constant and unecessary repitition. There's more of that than actual content. By the end, your repeated lines have lost all possible meaning and is nothing but mindless chanting. My second problem is the total lack of punctuation and the appearance of several easily avoided typos. It makes the entire thing a pain to read, along with an annoying reliance on approximate rhyme in several instances. What content is there also seems rather uninspired and dull to read. It's generic, in short. I don't detect any sign of emotion which is never a good thing, especially in a form that relies on the emotion and experiences of the poet/rapper. You can do better than this.

What went right: ...The rhyming was competant for the most part...

How to improve: Scrap it. There's nothing here but dross.

Overall score: God, this is painful to do... 1/10