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Demon_Slayer
July 8th, 2006, 06:23 PM
Tainted love

Oh my tainted love,
left me alone,
oh my tainted love,
in the darkness I fall,
leaving me alone,
far away I fall,
going down as the darkness shows nothing,
blinded by darkness,
I fall,
there is no end to this fall,
with tainted love,
I fall,
no end to this fall,
this fall of tainted love,
so dark and grim,
tainted love,
oh tainted love.

Sakura
July 11th, 2006, 01:00 PM
You must've been depressed. ;--------; The poem is okay. Nice repetition to repeat things you consider important...but my advice: know how to tell the difference between blatant dark and unique dark, meaning don't try to yell our 'THIS IS SAD' all at once. Give out subtle, yet noticeable hints. Eshh. Write about happier themes next time! =^______^=

-Mikuru ♥

ArKiVe
July 11th, 2006, 02:04 PM
Lacking. You could do better than this.

Zelos
July 11th, 2006, 03:05 PM
Lacking. You could do better than this.

>> Nice post. Why don't you tell him what he's lacking in? Give him some pointers? <<

Anyway, I agree with Mikuru...It's very depressing. There was repitition...Ehh, I'm probably not the one to give advice or anything...

Sakura
July 11th, 2006, 03:23 PM
I think the main problem was that the writer submitted this when he was feeling sad, hence the overly dramatic tone of the poem. Poetry is usually triggered by sudden emotion.

Mistar ArKiVe could've helped a bit more... .----. ah, neh~~

-Mikuru ♥

ArKiVe
July 11th, 2006, 05:28 PM
Okay, you want me to give suggestions, you've got them.

1. STOP using fall almost every line. There's more than one word to describe something.
2. Be more clear on what you are trying to describe. Falling. Darkness. Okay? Where does love come in? How was it tainted? Where does the mention of anything to deal with a heart come in? The mentioning of being alone was the only thing that minorly helped me understand what you were trying to express. It wasn't sad at all, it was just like reading a boring newspaper article. You got to reel the person in if it's going to make any great impact/impression on the person at all for the people who actually read it.
3. Learn to use less repitition unless it absolutely fits well with it. In this case, the structure of it was all weird and awkwardly put together in my eyes. You have to choose better times to put what should go in what lines.