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ArKiVe
July 11th, 2006, 06:15 PM
Seeing the world

If I caught the world in my hand
I'd toss it back without regret.
Everything would still be the same as it is,
where the world is still,
where nothing is ever clear to the eye.

Open your mind and think about all the times,
where everything seems so quiet,
and no one wants to say anything.
Why does the world seem to be so still and quiet,
but it seems so impossibly unreal?

If I could catch the world in my hand again,
I'd hold it to take a closer look at this mystery.
The reason why was to understand,
one of the oldest world's mystery's, which is love.
It's the lack of love I feel,
its only a feeling but it makes me so ill,
till I cannot get up off the floor.

As I'm here and the world is so impossibly still
and quiet I cannot believe my eyes and ears.
Where's the girl for me? Is that her that I see?
That's another mystery.

~Ozy~
July 12th, 2006, 07:06 AM
What went wrong: The main thing I noticed was the rhythm. It was jerky and consistantly pulled me out of the poem, making it harder for the reader to focus on the meaning and emotion of the piece. Also, the shift in the latter half of the third stanza is a trifle abrupt, again, taking the reader to a place of observation instead of connection. Finally, there were several typos. While not a huge problem, something to watch yourself on.

What went right: You show a greater focus on using emotion and image to convey meaning than the majority of what I read here. that is very much commendable. Also, you keep yourself from whining about a topic where it would be easy to fall into that trap.The general tone is (as I see it), questioning instead of depressing. Your word choice is also a cut above much of what I've looked at and you avoid meaningless repitition. This poem also shows several rudimentary motifs. Congratulations on that! Also, congratulation on having the first "What went right" section that's longer than my "What went wrong" section on any of my reviews. :P

How to improve: Okay, you have a good working model here. I'd say that you can keep the basic structure without making too many changes. Focus on either tightening or loosening the rhythm (whichever way you want to make it go) to make it more consistant. Also, maybe do a few edits, change words here and there as well as catch some basic mechanics stuff. Finally, possibly add one line to the third stanza as a transitionary piece.

Overall score: 7/10

ArKiVe
July 12th, 2006, 09:11 AM
Thanks for the constructive criticism. I'll take your advice for the ones later to come. It was one of my first poems I've written in over like 2 years.