View Full Version : 2 Diffrent Worlds

code zerro the deluge
August 9th, 2006, 7:25 AM
We live in something like 2 diffrent worlds
When it spins when it twirls
Life when we make mistakes
I love you your my cup cake

2 diffrent worlds
That we live in
I try to break away from you girl
Go to da end
But in the end
I cant

I do
Yes yes I really love you
Skyes sometimes are just to blue
I dont like that
And when I try to break away from that
Your love just keeps pulling me back
I ask my self why cant I be free
But I am just I cant see

2 diffrent worlds
That we live in
I try to break away from you girl
Go to da end
But in the end
I cant

August 11th, 2006, 3:37 AM
I've given up on bugging you about the style ^^; So...

Firstly, when typing a number under nine, it's grammatically correct to spell it in letters as opposed to digits; so, it should be "Two Different Worlds" [you spelt "different" incorrectly] ^_^;

Some of your lines seemed like futile attempts at rhyming -- "when it spins, it twirls"? I don't get the relevancy... and thus it doesn't appear to have much flow. "Life, when we make mistakes" [note the comma] is just a fragment -- the next line is totally irrelevant.

"I love you -- you're my cupcake" [note, your is a possessive pronoun, and you're is the contraction!] would probably be better than "I love you; you're my cupcake" as the semi-colon [;] denotes a longer pause than dashes, and this appears to be a rap-style thing.

The next stanza wasn't of much quality, but the only irk I really have with it is "da"... Apart from the lack of an apostrophe in can't. Can't is a contraction; thus, it must have an apostrophe to indicate there have been letters omitted.

"Yes, yes, I really love you"*

The plural of "sky" is not "skyes" -- it is "skies", and "to" is more of a preposition/article sort of thing. I think you meant "too". And "don't" should be spelt as such. "I don't like that"* to clarify. Try to break away from what? oO; I know it could be metaphorical, but the thing about skies being blue just... er, doesn't make sense in the context, if you get my meaning.

Myself is one word.

And "I am, just I can't see" is probably more correct. [Well, technically speaking, I am and I can't see are clauses and should be separated with a ; or a --, but I guess the comma has a smaller pause...]

Anyways, although I didn't like it, it's a considerable improvement on your past efforts~

August 11th, 2006, 8:23 PM
There's nothing wrong with his style from how he sees it. It's our perspective that judges it in a negative way.

Zerro, I've read more works of yours than I can count, reviewed a fair share of them... I find your attempts not to be focused on rhyming, words, etc, but on how to make it sound like rap, or whatever you were aiming for, instead. I can, like Hiyori-chan did, point out the plethora of grammatical errors riddled in your work, but what would that accomplish? Would you try and adapt to the changes?

So I'll say this: You have an interesting, unique style of prose, but style alone isn't enough in poetry. Learn how to adhere to known rules, such as grammar and spelling, and even rap must follow some kind of structure. Wouldn't you agree?

So good luck in the future, and I do hope you keep improving. ^_^

code zerro the deluge
August 13th, 2006, 5:47 AM
thanx guys. I will try harder.

Off Topic my throat is getting deeper and it all scratchy