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Sakura
August 16th, 2006, 08:24 PM
I decided to have another go at poetry...please critique.





-One-





I saw God the other day, but I really don't know why
He looked left and right, back and 'fro, looking for direction,
But now I think, but now I see; perhaps that God was I,
totally alone, it seemed, in utter introspection.

Often I had questioned Him why life was made this way,
why I was put here, why I live, why every day's the same?
Of course, He never answered, seeing all I did was pray,
and so left me lost, confused, but who was there to blame?

In quiet contemplation did I seek the rightful key,
but I had no hope, no joy, nor dreams, no guide to lead my way,
So I suppose it's safe to say that answers never came to me;
instead they flocked to outer space, where thoughts were often led astray..

I might have given up that day; in fact, I almost did,
striving past my sanity, that point in which I fled
to worlds unknown, to freedom, joy, to do what my heart would bid,
My body suffered nothing, but it was my faith who wept and bled.

Through unseen tears, through missing pain, I walked with my only friend,
Although I had so much to tell, in silence did we reign...
Together, walking hand in hand, in paths that never end,
We smiled, prayed, cried and marched
boldly
down this dreary lane..

to be free
to be all
to be one.





~M

~Ozy~
August 17th, 2006, 09:49 AM
What Went Wrong: To be frank, I'm not as impressed with this piece as I was with your first, at least from a solely technical standpoint. In terms of your structure, there's little variation from what I've already seen. Despite your comments about your work, it seems to me you have a lot of potential you're not making use of. Although your structure works and is enjoyable, there is a certain point where the reader would like to see more. Two other things, you show a talent for deeply personal work, try and extend that feeling to the reader as well. Also, expeand on your wordplay. I loved the phrase "missing pain." I'd like to see more of that, and I think you can do that without seeming heavy-handed.

What Went Right: Message. Wonderful message and a deeply personal piece of work. Despite my earlier comments, I am still impressed with your ability to make your rhythm and rhyme feel as natural as it does. That's no small feat. On the whole, your poetry is simply enjoyable to read.

How To Improve: Vary yourself. Definately try to break out of your current bok. Maybe write a villanelle? Or, just play around with language, experiment all you want. Show it to others. Some of it works, some doesn't. Be creative with your phrasing, your compaisons. I want to see more of everything from you, not more of the same thing. Maybe try rewriting this particular piece in a different format?

Mechanics: 5

Fluidity: 5

Poetic Devices: 3-4

Originality: 3. Your ideas are enjoyable and fresh, but your use of an old structure detracts from them.

Overall Score: 7

Sakura
August 17th, 2006, 10:04 AM
Again, thank you kindly for the review...I have a question, though. When you say readers tire of the structures, what exactly do they expect? I'm used to the standard format of a quatrain and keeping it in that point, but I'm afraid my perception can only travel that far.

I'm also afraid to say I've never heard of a villanelle. ._.

~M