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View Full Version : The Note pg 15+ (some suggestive talk, talk of some private parts...etc.)


Demon_Slayer
November 27th, 2006, 01:32 PM
I've seen you, I've touched you, I've felt you in my arms, i've held you after we've made love, I remembered those times when we first fell in love. I was 14, you were 13, we were playing in the yard; we tripped over each other and you fell into my arms. I felt your Heart beat with mine as we layed there in the green grass of my front yard, we kissed we hugged and fell asleep under the stars, sleeping in each other's arms keeping each other warm under the blanket of stars. I wanted you forever never wanting you to leave; it made no difference where I touched you, cause it was all the same, like candy to my hands in a never ending dream. It mattered to me not how big you were in your bra or how much hair you had hidden in you silk panties, I loved you for who you were, not for your boobs or vagina. when I looked at you naked, I saw the true meaning of beauty in your nudenes. your body was beautiful and I loved it, especially when its in my arms at night, but now that your gone, my love is gone; I feel no happiness, no guilt, no pleasure, nothing is in me without you. Please come back, I love you, forever and always, your one love,

Kai

Merzbau
November 28th, 2006, 12:57 PM
Awkward, not in poetic form, odd punctuation, occasional misspelling of words, and needlessly sexual content.

Could work (maybe) if you wrote it differently. But like this, I'm not a fan.

Bomberman
November 28th, 2006, 07:33 PM
needlessly sexual content.

I agree, I liked it until the "boobs and vagina" bit.

Goku Goku
November 29th, 2006, 12:12 PM
The concept of that was good, but I agree with the two guys above me: there was no need to mention body parts. You could mention her body and what's it like or what it represents (other than love and beauty, perhaps?), but don't talk about what's part of the body (i.e. genitals)! Let your imagination run free...

Demon_Slayer
November 29th, 2006, 12:50 PM
sorry guys for this failure And sorry for mentioning th genitals...I was eh heh having one of my hormone things. sucks being 14...

Goku Goku
November 29th, 2006, 01:02 PM
It's all okay! :laugh: I'm also 14 (turning 15 next week), and yes we all tend to go overboard with things like this! Other than that, you =r piece isn't bad. Hope to read more from you! ;)

~Ozy~
December 1st, 2006, 08:08 PM
Know what? Don't listen to that BS. this is stream-of-conciousness, no? Then it has every right to be on the page as is, unretouched. Censoring your mind and your emotions are the last things you want to do in poetry.

Now, my critique.

What I liked: You where honest, you were vivid and present in all aspects of the work in question. What has been pointed out as weaknesses I see as strengths. Keep that kind of writing up rather than cutting it out. You've got balls, and that's good. Also, bluntness worked here. In some ways, it reminded me of Charles Bukowski, in others, of Jack Kerouac (without sucking). Your word choice was commendable for the most part, and the poem itself was relatively unique for this forum.

What I didn't like: It felt like it was typed in the reply box. There were typos and it lacked a coherent form, making it hard to read. Better that you take the extra time to put a little polish on the piece, even if it is stream-of-conciousness. Also, it's a little amatuer but that's nothing that can't be fixed. Keep writing. Also, don't be so quick to give in to critics. Whatever they might say, it's YOUR poem, youy wrote it the way you did for a reason.

Overall score: 7/10