Survival

[Death Rogers]

Intro

A new trainer, Jim, has just won his second badge. To take a break from the hard life of a trainer, he went on a cruise ship from Viridian City for a week. Jim is friendly, and outgoing. His Bulbasaur is stereotypically docile and will do anything for his trainer.

Chapter One: The Cruise

Jim comes back from dinner to his room. "Say, Bulbasaur, how about we go out for some fresh air?" asked Jim.
"Bulba," replied Bulbasaur.

Jim and Bulbasaur went out on the deck and noticed a girl leaning on the railing and watching the sunset. Jim walked over. "Hi. I'm Jim." The girl turned and looked at Jim.
"Hi. I'm Sarah," she said. Sarah looked at Bulbasaur.
"I see you have a Pokemon. You up for a battle?" asked Sarah.
"Okay," replied Jim.

Bulbasaur prepared for battle. Sarah took out a Pokeball and tossed it in the air. "Go, Mudkip!"
"I've never seen that Pokemon before," said Jim as he took out his Pokedex. "Hey it's not recognising it."
"That's because you're using a Kanto Pokedex. Mudkip are indiginous only to the Hoenn region. Now let's get to battle."
"Right," answered Jim "Bulbasaur, use tackle!"

Bulbasaur dashed foward and tackled Mudkip.

"Mudkip, use water gun!" commanded Sarah.

Mudkip shot out a powerful, noisy, jet of water and sent Bulbasaur back a few feet.

"Water gun?" said Jim, "That means it's a water type. Use Vine Whip!"

Bulbasaur grew two, long vines from under its bulb and whipped at Mudkip.

Mudkip dodged the attack.

"Mudkip, use surf!"

Mudkip drew a huge, intimidating wave and crashed it on Bulbasaur, knocking it out.

"Wow. I thought Bulbasaur would have an advantage," said Jim.
"Type isn't everything. My Mudkip is highly trained." replied Sarah
"Well, it's getting dark," said Jim, "We should get to our rooms."
"Okay. I'm in room 027 if you need me." said Sarah as she walked off.

Jim and Bulbasaur walked off to room 035, where they stayed.


Chapter Two coming soon!

[Yami Rui]

A new trainer, Jim, has just won his second badge. To take a break from the hard life of a trainer, he went on a cruise ship for a week.


And he got on the cruise ship from where? Since he just got his second badge and he's in Kanto I have to guess he got on it at Vermillion. But please explain to me if I'm wrong.

Your description is really tacky, like the pokemon. When good writers write pokemon fics we see some description as to what they look like and their personailty. Go Google Image Search a pokemon and you'll see some pics telling you what that pokemon looks like.

Adding the flat description into attacks to all of this really is kinda sad, I suggest reading some stickied topics in the writers lounge if you hope to improve now.

[Death Rogers]

Alright, I'll edit my post and give more detail.

[Yami Rui]

Alright, I'll edit my post and give more detail.

I'll quote your attack description and improve it. {Don't use my improvement description posts}

Mudkip shot out a powerful, noisy, jet of water and sent Bulbasaur back a few feet.


Edited Version
Mudkip's mouth held back and let out a powerful stream of light blue water which crashed into Bulbasaur sending it back a few feet.

Your edited version wasn't much of a improvment.

[ZerØ Rhythm]

Quite short and none of the characters have much of a personality. The story could do with better description as well.

[Death Rogers]

Chapter Two: The Tidal Wave

It was midnight. Jim couldn't sleep. He got up to get a drink of water. Suddenly - Jim fell over. "What the -" Jim walked over to the window and saw humongous waves. Something was coming out of them. It was Kyogre! It looked hurt and enraged. The red markings on it were glowing brightly. "I've got to tell the captain!" exclaimed Jim as he ran frantically out of his room. He got to the captain's room, but it was locked. Jim heared a huge roar and the ship started to turn on it's side. Jim ran to room 027. Fortunately, it was unlocked. "Wake up!" cried Jim as he shook Sarah.
"What is it?" asked Sarah.
"There's a giant Pokemon outside the ship and it's making big tidal waves!" replied Jim.
Sarah looked out the window and said "That's Kyogre! We have to get out of here!" Sarah grabbed two Pokeballs off of her nightstand. Suddenly, the ship fully capsised. Sarah and Jim hurriedly ran on what was the cieling. they ran until they reached the back of the ship. Sarah tossed her Pokeball. "Go, Makuhita!" A makuhita came out of the Pokeball.
"Use rock smash!" Sarah cried. Makuhita punched a hole in the ship. Suddenly, the ship started to sink from the front, forcing the back to face up into the air. Sarah and Jim jumped out of the hole. "Good job," said Sarah as she returned Makuhita to it's Pokeball.
"There!" cried Jim, "That's an island!"
"It's not too far," replied Sarah as she grabbed on to the piece of metal that Makuhita punched out.
"Come on, we have to get there somehow." said Sarah.
Jim grabbed on and started to paddle toward the island.


Chapter three coming soon!

[Yami Rui]

It was Kyogre! It looked hurt and enraged.

Now why would Kyogre be out of the Seafloor Cavern and more importantly be in Kanto. Without a reason why in the chapter it doesn't make sense and really makes this chapter tacky.

Your still not putting any real description into the pokemon, the scenes are still rushed, go read some 4/5 star fics, learn off them, read the stickies in the Writer's Lounge and please improve.

[Death Rogers]

Now why would Kyogre be out of the Seafloor Cavern and more importantly be in Kanto. Without a reason why in the chapter it doesn't make sense and really makes this chapter tacky.
It's my story. I say what happens.

[ProtrainerEon]

Yeah! Okay...and we say that turns us off, which means if you want readers you should try to please your fans with rational or irrational (but well explained) events, while still incorporating what you want into your story. Not saying I'm on any one side due to opinion, I just wanted to bring that fact up.

I see your point, and you're right. Just heed the advice of others before making snappy comments. If you disagree, well...you disagree, but think about it first.

See ya around, my work here is done.

~Pro~

[Alter Ego]

It's my story. I say what happens.

I think that sums this whole thing up quite nicely. Yes, it's your story, but tell me, why should anyone else bother to read it? And if you don't want others reading it, why post it here? Yami Rui made a valid point, but you just shrugged it off, and I'm afraid an attitude like that isn't going to give you any of the improvement in writing skills that you so badly need. .____.

Really, listen to the critics. The worst kind of feedback you can get is 'omg this is so goode poste more plz can we be frends kay bye.' and giving no indication of what they found good (Odds are they never even read it), but I'm sure you won't listen to me (Or anyone else for that matter), so I won't waste any more time elaborating on that. Enjoy writing this fic for yourself and yourself alone.

[Death Rogers]

I wasn't blowing advice off. I took her advice. She said "Why would Kyogre be in Kanto?" And I simply stated that it is my story and I can make it so he comes there. LOL (No attitude intended.)

[Yami Rui]

I wasn't blowing advice off. I took her advice. She said "Why would Kyogre be in Kanto?" And I simply stated that it is my story and I can make it so he comes there. LOL (No attitude intended.)

First in case I'm brain dead I'm a guy. Second good fics are well worked on and has good points throughout it, making no sense with Kyogre in Kanto and not explaining why, that makes this fic even more unprofessional.

Just saying. So listen to me, ProtrainerEon and Alterego.

[Frostweaver]

Normally I hate replying to a writer's thread because it kinda disturbs the flow of the story with random posts and comments inbetween, however I see this as an urgent need for one.

I wasn't blowing advice off. I took her advice. She said "Why would Kyogre be in Kanto?" And I simply stated that it is my story and I can make it so he comes there. LOL (No attitude intended.)

If what you write is completely original, yes it's true. Your story means that you can do whatever.

However, this is a fanfic where it's based on the fandom of Pokemon. You got some restrictions to follow because this maybe your story, but what you talk about within the story does not belong to you. Kyogre is in the Seafloor Cavern, or you better give a darn good reason why it's not.

This is not just about bad writing anymore... now we got copyright issues to understand first before we start writing about it.