View Full Version : Before You Were Saved

January 25th, 2007, 6:30 AM
Mildy rated for a few "references".

Before you were saved

The days would pass, she'd shreak
yet another demand from her possessive beak;
Yell, she crabs at your ear,
be on you,
like acid with glue.
Do blondes really have the most fun over here?

Oh woe, she calls for you again,
she demands that you proclaim your love
every 15 seconds, spew artificial words
from your tongue - they taste more bitter than sweet.
Yet you knew from the start,
that dazzling cheat.

O' fool so blinded, had you have seen
the pain she'd wrought on your heart so keen
you'd ignore the scorn, crawl under her shield,
pray you'd escape her lie, hope you shall be healed.
You're doomed to feel her touch so deep in your mouth;
Only to feel the heated taste of another man's tongue

She was close to harming you, oh innocent one.
To shroud insecurity if she but lift a tress.
Worried that any brawl of a sort,
would be blabbed to the press.

My fortune glitter your feelings,
I say "Be risen from the mouthful she raved"
Close to ruining you, her shameful face.
Her breath would've still been down your neck,
before you were finally saved.

January 25th, 2007, 9:51 PM

it's a cool poem but I think this would be even more awesome-er if the entire thing had a structure. I don't think you want to write in free verse cuz of the rhymes but it's all cool. I like it tho! Your descriptions are really pretty~

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
January 26th, 2007, 9:37 AM
It has a rather unusual structure, but it works. The only thing to fix would be the rhythm in some parts, measuring the verse to make the whole stanza flow better at a fixed length.

I really like the rhyme scheme, and overall the flow is still good. I'm really looking forward to see more of your work!