Fiore: Legend of Fiore Temple

[Death Rogers]

Introduction

Five years after Lunick and Solana thwarted Gordor's plan to use Entei, Suicune, and Raikou to attack Fiore and then stop them to make everyone see Go-Rock Squad as heroes then charge money to solve problems they cause, Pokemon Trainers began coming to Fiore, for their was a myth about the Fiore Temple that could benifit any Trainer. It is said their is a mystic energy there that could make any Pokemon ten times as powerful as a legendary. Four Trainers got on a boat to go to Fiore. Jack, Karren, Alex, and Jenna. However, little did they know what dangers they were to face.

Character Descriptions

Jack
Age: 13
Home Region: Kanto
Description: Skinny, average height. Wears a red jacket and blue jeans. Has black hair and blue eyes.
Personality: Helpful, but merciless to those who oppose him. Loves his Pokemon. Would die for them.
Pokemon:
Charmeleon (Blaze) Male
Pidgeotto (Speedy) Male
Dratini Male

Karren
Age: 11
Home Region: Johto
Description: Skinny and somewhat short. Wears a sweatjacket, button down blue shirt, and bejewled blue jeans. Has brown eyes and long, brown hair.
Personality: Somewhat cowardly. Yet always willing to help out her friends.
Pokemon:
Chikorita (Jade) Female
Sentret Male

Alex
Age: 12
Home Region: Hoenn
Description: Average height and weight. Wears short sleeved green T-shirt and blue jeans. Has Hazel eyes and black hair.
Personality: Sarcastic and rude. The only ones he's nice to are his Pokemon.
Pokemon
Combusken (Red) Male
Lombre Male
Linoone Male

Jenna
Age: 12
Home Region: Sinnoh
Description: Average height and skinny. Wears pink short sleeved T-shirt and dull-blue skirt. Has blue eyes and long, blonde hair.
Personality: Very kind and optimistic. Wants to be friends with almost everyone she meets.
Pokemon:
Pochama (Waddles) Male
Munchlax (Munchy) Female

Mike (Ranger)
Age: 16
Home Region: Fiore
Description: Tall and built. Wears Ringtown Ranger uniform. Brown hair and blue eyes.
Personality: Optimistic and always has a back-up plan.
Partner Pokemon: Quilava

Chapter One: Fall City

All the Trainers are on the boat. Fiore can be seen on the horizon. The captain came on the loudspeaker. "Attention, passengars. We will be arriving in Fiore shortly."
"Finally." said Alex.
"Oh, come on. Are you always this cranky?" asked Jenna
"That'd be none of your business."
"I'll take that as a yes."
"Oh really? How about we settle this?"
"How so?"
"Pokemon battle."
"Sounds good to me."
Alex tossed a Pokeball. Combusken came out.
Jenna tossed hers. Pochama came out.
Alex cried, "Now, Red. Use double kick!"
Red ran foward and kicked relentlessly at Waddles.
"Use bubble!" commanded Jenna.
Waddles jumped back and shot a bunch of colorful bubbles out of it's beak. The bubbles popped on Red.
"Use flamethrower!" yelled Alex.
Red shot a stream of flames out of it's beak it knocked Waddles back into the wall behind her, leaving Waddles charred, burnt, and beaten.
"Now, finish it with-"
"That's enough!" interrupted Jack, "Can't you see Waddles has had enough?"
"It's a Pokemon battle," replied Alex.
"In a Pokemon battle you fight until one is unable to battle, not until it's burnt to a crisp!"
The boat stopped. "Attention passengers, we have arrived at Fall City!" yelled the captain.
All the Trainers departed the boat onto the pier to see a Pokemon Ranger.
"Are you Mike?" asked Jack.
"Yes," Mike replied, "I'm here to escort you to Fiore Temple. But, there'll be a little detour. As you see, there's a large, stone door blocking the way. And there're inscriptures on it saying we must find two jems. One in Lyre forest, and one in the Jungle relic."
"So, we must help you find them, then we can go up to the temple?"
"Yes. Now follow me. Our first destination is the Lyre Forest."
All trainers followed behind Mike as he led them out of the pier.


I'll have the next chapter out later. My hands hurt from typing this.

[Yami Rui]

It seems quite bizarre that you wrote the information about the trainers in a Role-Playing format instead of writing it down in general story format. And alas no description for the pokemon they have, why is that.....oh yeah for it seems that you are currently lazy to put actual thought into this fic.

Your description of attacks are quite rushed, I'll edit one for a example to show you what actually thought out work happens to look like.

Red shot a stream of flames out of it's beak it knocked Waddles back into the wall behind her, leaving Waddles charred, burnt, and beaten.


The fire dual-type pokemon heated it's enternal engines as it blasted a flaming stream of fire from it's beak and fired it straight at the penguin pokemon, as it was blasted back into one of the walls of the boat. The water type, charred, burnt and beaten to a crisp had no energy to continue in this battle.

All the Trainers are on the boat.

Uh what kind of boat. Motorboat, cruise ship, speedboat.....I'm guessing cruise ship but you have to explain this in more detail.

Also another piece of advice, when starting a new sentence on a different line, please space out the sentences.

This is hardly any improvement from your last fic "Survival" so go ahead and read the stickied threads in the Writer's Lounge subforum, and actually improve.

[Death Rogers]

Whoah, no need to insult me. I wanted to put it in an RP format so it'd be a bit easier to read.

I understand you don't like how I write my stories, but please stop critisizing me.

[Yami Rui]

Whoah, no need to insult me. I wanted to put it in an RP format so it'd be a bit easier to read.

Why do you think I'm insulting you. There's a difference between critisizm and flaming you know. To you it my be easier to read, but a more skilled format would be writing it in story format.

I understand you don't like how I write my stories, but please stop critisizing me.

It's not that I don't like your stories, I wan't to help you improve. It's just even after several writers reviewed your last story and gave out pointers or critisized, you still haven't really improved, based on what we said.

I also don't see anything wrong with critisizm. I'm not gonna start flaming you, so if you wanna improve then listen to my critisizm and what others say too.

[Death Rogers]

Alright, I just took it the wrong way. The way you said "And actually improve" sounded like an insult.

Chapter Two: Krokka Tunnel

After exiting Fall City, the five came to the Krokka Tunnel.
"How much longer?" asked Karren
"Well, the Krokka tunnel is pretty short. Plus it exits in the Lyre Forest. We should be there in about ten minutes," replied Mike as he lead the trainers into the tunnel. After walking a little into the tunnel, the came across what looked like a group of rocks in the way.
"These weren't here before," said Mike, "Wait a minute... these kind of look like Graveler."
"Graveler?" asked Jenna, "Oooh! I know!" Jenna pulled out her Pokeball.
"Waddles, use water gun!" commanded Jenna.
Waddles came out, recovered from it's earlier battle, and shot a loud stream of water at the rocks.
"Graveler!" cried the rocks as they revealed their true selves. The three Graveler prepared for an attack.
"I'll handle this," said Mike as he pulled out his Capture Styler. He looped it around in the air as the Capture Disk shot out and surrounded the Graveler. After a few loops he yanked to the side. The beams from the capture disk formed an orb around each. The Graveler were captured.
"Darnit!" cried a voice in the distance.
"What was that?" asked Jack.
"I don't know," replied Mike. Suddenly, a man dressed in a Go-Rock Squad uniform came from behind a rock.
"Hey, you're a Go-Rock Squad Grunt!" yelled Mike.
"Go-Rock Squad?" said Alex while laughing.
"How dare you laugh at our name!" yelled the Go-Rock Grunt.
"When will you just give up?" asked Mike "Every attempt you guys have at ressurecting Go-Rock Squad, you're thwarted."
"We may have failed at using Entei, Suicune and Raikou to attack Fiore, but this time we'll succeed."
"Don't forget the matters with Rayquaza, Celebi, and the Manaphy Egg."
"Shut up!" yelled the grunt as he pulled out an odd-looking capture styler, "Venusaur, destroy these losers!" A Venusaur came out from behind the five.
"Use Frenzy Plant!" yelled the grunt. Tree branches grew out of the ground and whipped around threateningly.
"Quilava, use Fire Blast!" yelled Mike. Quilava charged a ball of fire in it's mouth and shot it out at Venusaur. The fire ball exploded on Venusaur. It knocked it back to it's senses. The Venusaur left. The Go-Rock Grunt ran away.
"Now that that's over with, let's go," said Mike as he lead them deeper into the cave. After much walking they came to the end.
"Okay," said Mike, "We should look for the gem in groups. Jack, you're with Alex. Jenna, you're with Karren. I'll go on my own. The inscriptures say it's a green, translucent, gem in the shape of an octagon." They all split up to look for the gem.


I'll have chapter three sometime later.

[Yami Rui]

Sorry but your not taking my advice, I am taking time out of my life to help you on this fanfic with my advice and you just keep rushing your work like you have to have 13 chapters in 5 days. I find that rude.

There is no improvement on description, no improvement on battle scenes, there is no need to rush your work, since all good authors take their time with their fanfics.

I can just see you are writing this in the Reply Box, never do that. Use a word processor program like Notepad or Microsoft Word. And if you don't have a word processor program with a Spellcheck, to check your grammar....then use the spellchecker in the post options above your posts.

Go read the stickied threads, go put some thought into your chapters. Cause right now, there is nothing.