Hoenn Adventures: The Pokemon Master Journey

[Blaziken626]

This is my first Pokemon fan-fic, and it's going to be about a Pokemon journey through Hoenn. There will be normal stuff like collecting Gym Badges, but I'll throw in some interesting stuff.

Hoenn Adventures: The Pokemon Master Journey

Chapter 1: The Start of a New Journey

Chapter 1: The Start of a New Journey

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! The half red/half white Pokeball alarm clock sounded and broke the silence in the room. “Ugh...five more minutes!” moaned the young teenager sleepily as he turned around and slapped his hand on the alarm clock's button to turn off the alarm. He slowly got up from his comfortable bed, revealing his crazy, navy blue bed-head hair. His aqua blue eyes slowly adjusted to the morning light shining in through the window. The boy sluggishly got out of his bed and walked towards the bathroom to take a shower. About 15 minutes later he got out and opened his closet. He picked out a white shirt, basic blue jeans, and a navy blue vest that matched his hair color. As he was slipping them on, he heard a voice call from downstairs.

“Aaron! Aaron Parke! You'd better get down here right now mister!”

He shouted back to the voice, “Okay, mom! Jeez! Don't have a cow!” Aaron finished dressing himself, ran out into the hallway outside his room, and rushed down the stairs.

“It's about time you got down here!” yelled a voice from the kitchen. The person who said it was a girl about the same size as Aaron, 5' 3'' to be exact. Her dark brown hair still had a few drops of water dripping on her new standard blue vest. Along with that, she wore a plain white T-shirt and a white and blue striped skirt to match her shirt and vest.

“Well, we can't all get ready as fast as you, Alexa!” Aaron walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table with her for breakfast. He then made another comment.

“And have you ever heard of a hair dryer?”

“Hey, you-” Alexa started to stir up the argument, but her mother interrupted.

“That's enough, both of you! Just stop bickering. And Aaron, come get your pancakes.”

The reason their mother was preparing a rare, yet satisfying breakfast was to celebrate Aaron and Alexa finally leaving on their Pokemon journey. Aaron's mom thought that they were too young to leave when they were only 10, so she wanted them to wait until they were older. But it was worth the three-day wait. For they were finally free to make their own choices and prove that they have matured. Aaron gobbled down his pancakes in a flash and hurried upstairs to gather his belongings for the journey.

“Boys,” Alexa sighed, “So immature.” She took a bite of her pancakes, then turned around to look at her mom.

“Where's dad right now?” she asked her.

“He had to leave early to go help out the professor,” she answered as she took away Aaron's dishes, “Professor Birch is a busy man, so he needs someone to help out with the Pokemon.” Meanwhile, up in Aaron's room, Aaron was getting together his clothes and belongings that he would need for the journey. He put them all in a yellow backpack with many different pockets for different items.

“Okay. I think that's everything,” Aaron said as he packed up the last of his things, “Now I'm ready to go!” He headed back down the stairs to the living room and was about to run right out the door.

“Wait right there, young man!” his mom's voice called from the kitchen, “You're not leaving until your sister is ready, too!” Aaron sighed and turned around. He sat down and picked up a remoter control that was lying around on the floor next to the couch. He turned on the TV, and flicked around the channels until one slightly caught his attention.

“Apparently, Pokemon that usually thrive in such distinct regions as Kanto and Johto have been spotted around Hoenn-” Just then, finally, Alexa came walking down the stairs with a yellow pack strapped around her waist and with a red bandanna tied around her head. And that also caught Aaron's attention.

“Well, well,” Aaron said to Alexa, “Look who's slow, now.”

“Oh, shut up, Aaron.”

“Don't use that kind of language around here!” her mother replied. Alexa gave Aaron a stingy look. Then Aaron turned off the television, walked over to the coat hanger, and grabbed his red and white cap, and slapped it on his spiky-haired head.

“Well, kids, it looks like you're finally leaving for your big Pokemon journey now.” She started getting tears in her eyes.

She continued, “And you're going to be making your own decisions, and taking up big responsibilities, and...and..” She threw her body over the two siblings and started bawling.

“Oh! Don't go-o-o!”

Aaron whispered to his sister, “I knew this was going to happen.” He sighed, and then spoke to his mother.

“Mom, you promised to let us leave by the time we were thirteen, and now it's time to let go.” Alexa decided to add on as her mother continued to cry and hug her kids.

“Mom, I know it's tough, but you've got to face the fact that we're growing up.” She stopped, sniffled, and wiped a tear from her eye.

“I know. And I always knew this time would come,” she sadly spoke, “Goodbye, kids.” She gave them their last hugs and kisses, and finally, let them leave.

“Goodbye, mom!” Alexa called to her mother as she walked out the door.

“See ya!” Aaron exclaimed as well.

“Goodbye! I don't know when I'll see you again, but always be missing you!” She waved goodbye to them, her kids waved back, and she shut the door and turned around. She started to get teary-eyed again, but she was able to hold the tears back.

“Well, they're finally leaving.” She stared out the window and watched them leave until they faded away out of her sight.
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Next Chapter: Pokemon Partnership

Please give C+C! I hope you think it's good!

[Yami Rui]

Considering you've only got them leaving their house so far to go on their journey, there's not very much to look at. Your description isn't bad, although it could be improved.

His hair was a navy blue and his eyes were a lighter shade of blue. He got out and dressed himself, slipping on a white shirt, blue jeans, and a navy blue vest.

His hair was a navy shade of blue while his eyes were a lighter shade of blue, than navy. He got out and opened the clothes drawer and took out a plain white shirt, standard blue jeans and a navy blue vest, very similar in color to his hair.

I'll put a more detailed review when you go farther into the journey concept within this fic.

[Blaziken626]

Here's Chapter 2!

Chapter 2: Pokemon Partnership

Since Aaron and Alexa lived in the small town of Littleroot, they didn't have to walk very far to get to the lab. But even though it won't be a very long walk, Aaron wanted to start a conversation.

“Wow! I can't believe we're finally leaving home, and starting our Pokemon journey! But I do admit it was tough to take in the fact that were leaving the place that we've lived for as long as I can remember.” There was a silence as Alexa also thought about this for awhile, but it was broken by Aaron again.

“So, what Pokemon are you planning on getting?”

“Well, I've thought about it. I think I'm going to get Torchic. It looks like a cute little Pokemon. What about you?”

“Cute Pokemon? You're pretty soft, Alexa. I want a tough Pokemon like Treecko! I think it's a pretty cool Pokemon. Plus, I've heard it's really fast.” Aaron folded his arms behind his head and embraced the cool summer breeze. It was a very nice day. The sun shone from behind the houses, and it made everything look fresh. It was the perfect day for the beginning of a great journey.

There were no shops at all in this quaint little town, and nor were there any Pokemon Centers (probably because there were rarely any Pokemon battles in or near the town). But there was one building that stood out. It was Professor Birch's lab. The lab was a huge gray and olive green building.

“Here we are,” Alexa said, “Professor Birch's lab.” They stared up at the building in amazement.

“Well, we'd better get in there so we can be first.” Aaron was thinking right. There were tons of trainers who wanted to go on Pokemon journeys. Some of them were from Littleroot, and they came to Birch's lab to get their first Pokemon. Aaron and Alexa ran up the steps and opened the door to the lab. It looked even bigger inside than it did outside. The blue floor was so clean it shined, and there were desks and plants everywhere. On most of these desks were Pokeballs. On some of them there were dishes of Pokemon food. There was a tall man with dark neat hair wearing a white lab coat and khaki pants standing near one of these desks in a corner of the room. He was placing dishes of Pokemon food on it and checking them off from a list. He turned around and looked at the two who had just come in.

“Aaron? Alexa? Is that you?” the man said. A smile started spreading across his face.

“Hi, dad!” Alexa replied happily.

“We didn't think we'd meet you here right away!” Aaron said, surprised.

“Neither did I. Well, I might as well show you the Pokemon you can choose from.” He walked over to a big steel-top desk in the middle of the room. Aaron and Alexa walked over there as well. Their dad pressed a button on the desk. When he did so, three holes opened up on the top of the table, and three Pokeballs rose up from them.

“The first one I want to show you is Treecko.” He took a Pokeball from the desk and pressed a button that enlarged it and opened the Pokeball. A bright red light came from it, and out came a green gecko-type creature with yellow eyes and red slit pupils. It had a thick, forest green-colored tail and a red belly.

“Treecko is a calm and cool Pokemon, and it's not afraid to fight a foe bigger than itself,” their father explained to them. Aaron looked at Treecko with curiosity, and Treecko looked back at him. Aaron could tell it was the perfect Pokemon for him. Then their dad took the second Pokeball and opened it. Another bright red flash shone, and a small, orange chick-like Pokemon came out. It had three yellow feathers on the top of its head.

“This Pokemon is Torchic. It becomes really attracted to its trainer pretty quickly once it gets to know him or her.” Torchic scaled the room. It looked up and saw the three people, and it started getting a little scared. Alexa looked at its face, and she could tell it was afraid. She picked it up and held it in her arms.

“It's okay, Torchic,” she calmly spoke to the Pokemon, “We won't harm you.” But the Pokemon pecked her arm with its small beak, jumped out of her arms, and ran to a corner of the room. Alexa walked over there and tried to reason with Torchic.

“Torchic, it's alright. We're your friends.” Torchic still had a small look of doubt on its face. Alexa noticed some Pokemon food sitting on the desk next to her. She took the bowl and offered the food to Torchic.

“Do you want some food?” The Pokemon sniffed the food, picked up a piece with its little beak, and ate it. It ate a few more pieces, then jumped up, peeping with delight. Alexa giggled a little and picked up Torchic.

“I know we'll get along just fine!”

“Torchic! Torchic!” the Pokemon peeped again. Then Alexa returned Torchic to its Pokeball.

“What about you Aaron?” his dad asked, “Do you want me to show you the last one?”

“No, thanks. I think I've made up my mind.” He walked over to Treecko and got down on one knee.

“Whadda you say, Treecko? Do you want to join me? We'd make great partners!” He smiled at the Pokemon. After thinking for a few seconds, Treecko smiled, too.

“Treecko! Tree!” it exclaimed.

“I assume that means you do. Great!” Aaron returned Treecko to its Pokeball as well.

He looked down at the Pokeball and said, “You and I will make a great team!”

“Professor Birch should be back any minute to give you your Pokeballs and Pokedexes,” their father said just as Birch and a girl walked in the door, “Here he is now!” Professor Birch was a slightly short man with a small beard. He was also in a white lab coat, but he wore cargo shorts and was carrying a brown bag with him. The girl with him was about the same age as Aaron and Alexa, and she had brown hair and blue eyes. She was wearing a red shirt, a white skirt, and a red bandana, and she, like Alexa, had a yellow pack strapped around her waist.

“Well, well,” Professor Birch said as he noticed Aaron and Alexa, “Who do we have here? Two trainers looking for starter Pokemon.”

“Well, actually, we already got ours,” Aaron explained to Professor Birch, “You see, we're this man's kids and so he showed us some starter Pokemon. But we don't have our Pokeballs or Pokedexes yet. By, the way, I'm Aaron, and this is my sister, Alexa.”

“Is that so? Well, my daughter, May, is also a Pokemon trainer. But she hasn't gotten her starter yet. I can give you all some Pokeballs and your Pokedexes right now.”

As Birch was opening his bag, May greeted Aaron and Alexa, “Nice to meet you! So, what starters did you get?”

“I got Treecko,” Aaron told her, holding up the Pokeball containg his starter.

“Yeah, and I chose Torchic,” Alexa said, also showing May her Pokeball.

“Well I'm going to get-” The start of their conversation was broken when Birch found the balls and Pokedexes.

“Found 'em! Here you go!” He said as he handed over 5 Pokeballs and a Pokedex to each of them.

“Now that Pokedex is also your Pokemon ID. It will enable you to challenge gyms in different towns,” the professor explained to them, “And once you collect all eight gym badges, you can go on to the Hoenn Pokemon League.”

“Cool! The Pokemon League!” Aaron exclaimed, “Thanks a ton!”

“Yeah, thank you!” Alexa said, “Well, I guess we'll be seeing you later on our journey, May! And hopefully you too, dad!”

“Bye, kids!” their dad said as he waved away to them.

“See you on your journey!” May called to them. The two of them walked out the doors, and began their journey with their first Pokemon.
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Next Chapter: The First Catch

[Yami Rui]

Umm the interesting stuff would be good anytime now.

Your plot seems to currently be the standard RPG handheld game plot, you've just added in the main character's sister as his partner. Plus you've got the same whole friendly rival deal with absoluity nothing interseting about her.

Describing Mudkip would also be nice, like May's response when she gets her pokemon. Your leaving out important details and basically sticking to the same plot we see in the games and the anime. Hi, we can play the games and watch the anime and be more interested then reading this.

Your dishing out these chapters too quickly, there isn't a time limit for updating your story you know. Please take your time, read the stickied threads in the Writer's Lounge and come back with something decently interesting.

[Blaziken626]

Don't worry! There will be some interesting stuff coming up. Those first two chapters were just about the very start of the journey. Anyway, I hope you think this chapter is at least remotely interesting.

Chapter 3: The First Catch

As Aaron and Alexa left Littleroot Town, they saw a sign that said:

Oldale Town: North up ahead

“I guess we should go this way, then,” Alexa said. After a couple of minutes of walking along the trail, Aaron decided to take out his Pokedex and get info on Treecko. He took out its Pokeball and opened it. Treecko came out. Aaron opened his Pokedex and pointed it towards Treecko to get information.

“Okay. Let's see what we've got here.”

The Pokedex said, “Treecko is a Grass type and it is the Wood Gecko Pokemon. It has small hooks on the bottom of its feet that enable it to scale vertical walls. This Pokemon attacks by slamming foes with its thick tail.”

“I guess I should check Torchic's info, too,” Alexa said. She also took out her Pokedex, then she opened her Pokeball to reveal Torchic.

She pointed the Pokedex at the Pokemon and it said, “Torchic is a Fire type and it is the Chick Pokemon. It sticks with its trainer, following behind with unsteady steps. This Pokemon breathes fire of over 1800 degrees F, including fireballs that leave the foe scorched black.” They closed their Pokedexes and continued on with returning their Pokemon to their Pokeballs. They thought that they might see a Pokemon soon, so there would be no need to put them back in the Pokeballs. As they continued to walk, more trees started to appear. Behind one of those trees came an red-orange worm-like Pokemon that had spikes running down its back.

“I wonder what that Pokemon is,” Alexa pondered. She took out her Pokedex to get info on it.

“Wurmple is a Bug type and it is the Worm Pokemon. Using the spikes on its rear end, Wurmple peels the bark off trees and feeds on the sap that oozes out. This Pokemon's feet are tipped with suction pads that allow it to cling to class without slipping.”

“Gotcha!” Alexa heard someone say something. She turned to see that in Wurmple's place next to the tree was a Pokeball. And Treecko was standing right next to it. Aaron walked over to the Pokeball and picked it up. Alexa realized what had happened and got a frown on her face.

“Hey!” Alexa complained, “You caught that Wurmple while I wasn't looking!”

“You snooze, you lose!” Aaron told Alexa. Then he stuck his tongue out at her.

“I'm gonna get you!” Aaron ran ahead and Alexa ran after him. Torchic and Treecko looked at each other and sighed. They ran after both of them. As Aaron was running, he ducked a tree branch and looked behind him.

Aaron shouted to Alexa, “Look out!” But it was too late. SMASH! The hit the tree branch and fell down. But it wasn't that bad of a fall, and Alexa wasn't the only one that fell. Lying down on her lap was another Wurmple. It was slightly injured from the fall, but still in good enough shape for battle. Alexa sat up and saw the worm Pokemon sitting right there.

“EEEK!!” She screamed as she got up quickly.

“Ha, ha!” Aaron laughed at Alexa.

“You shut up!” Then she turned to Torchic.

“Torchic, use Scratch on that Wurmple!” The little chick ran towards the Wurmple, and it jumped up.

“Tor-chic!” it exclaimed. It dove down and scratched the Wurmple. But the Wurmple reacted.

“Wurm-ple!” It released a String Shot attack from its mouth. The gooey thread wrapped around Torchic, restraining it.

“Torchic!” Alexa cried “Try to use Scratch to rip the thread!” The little chick did as it was told and used the claws on its feet to scratch the thread. Since it was a strong thread, it took a couple of scratches, but Torchic finally broke free just in time to dodge a Tackle attack from Wurmple. Torchic then used Scratch again on Wurmple.

“Wurmple!” it cried in pain as it flopped down on the ground.

“Alright! Here I go!” Alexa seized the moment and threw a Pokeball at it. When it hit the Pokemon, the ball opened, and Wurmple disappeared in a flash of red light. The ball closed, fell down, and wobble a little bit with the white button on it glowing red. And finally, it stopped wobbling, and the button stopped glowing. The Wurmple was caught. Alexa walked towards it and picked it up.

“Yes! Score!” She exclaimed.

“Torchic! Torchic!” it peeped and hopped up and down in excitement. Alexa walked up to Aaron and shoved the Pokeball in his face.

“See! I've got a Pokemon, too!”

“So what? I bet my Wurmple's better than yours!”

“Oh, you do, huh?” Alexa folded her arms, “Then you can prove it in a battle!”

“Wurmple vs. Wurmple? Alright! You're on!” Torchic and Treecko sighed again. They didn't like the bickering between the two siblings. Aaron and Alexa found a wide, open space where they could battle. They stood facing each other with looks of slight hate on their faces.

“Wurmple, go!” they both shouted and threw their Pokeballs into the 'arena'. Both Wurmple came out in flashes of light from their Pokeballs.

Alexa made the first command, “Wurmple, use String Shot!” It released a thread from its mouth that was aimed at the other Wurmple.

“Wurmple, dodge it and use Tackle!” Aaron called. The Wurmple jumped out of the way and dove down towards the enemy Wurmple.

“Wurm-ple!” It bashed its head against the other Pokemon. It flew back and fell down, but was able to get up.

“Wurmple, use Tackle!” the siblings both called to their Pokemon. It ended up in a head bash between the two Wurmple.

“Wurm...ple!” Alexa's Wurmple cried as it bashed Aaron's Wurmple away. It got up as well, and both trainers commanded their Wurmples to use tackle again. They started 'charging' towards each other to attack, but Torchic jumped in the middle of them.

“Torchic!” it cried. Then it yelled at both of the trainers. They understood what Torchic was trying to do.

“It wants us to stop,” Alexa said in disappointment.

“What have we been doing?” Aaron realized, “All we've been doing is arguing over a silly little thing.” Aaron returned Wurmple to his Pokeball, and Alexa did the same. With a look of remorse on her face, she walked over to Torchic, knelt down, and put her hand on its head.

“We're sorry Torchic. You're right. We shouldn't be doing this. Now I promise that this won't happen again.”

“Torchic,” it peeped with a look on its face that meant “Thank you.” Then Alexa hugged the Pokemon and got up. Aaron gestured Treecko to come follow them. And then the four travelers continued on their journey.
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Next Chapter: Remoraid Capture

[AC Coda X]

Mmm... explain to me how the Wurmples could fight immediately after being beaten up. I seriously doubt that the trainers secretly fed them Sensu Beans. Really, I do.

Your description and plot needs overhaul, and don't feel like you have to update right away. Take time to write the next chapter. I gave myself unrealistic deadlines too, and it cost me a fanfic. (Is reffering to the abysmal failure of first fanfic attempt).

You need some serious overhauling here. Work on descriptive adjective use, and expand the vocabulary used in the story. Please.

[Yami Rui]

This chapter wasn't one bit interesting. First catch, hi, all trainers catch a pokemon on the first route usually. Plus the Wurmple VS Wurmple fight was pretty pointless and just put in there to add something to this chapter.

“Wurmple, use String Shot!” It released a thread from its mouth that was aimed at the other Wurmple.


Now I edit that

"Wurmple, use String Shot now!" The worm like pokemon spit out a silky white thread from it's mouth which was aimed directly at it's opponent.

You see what happens when you put some more thought into the story, the description into the battle scenes.

Please go look up a pokemon to get a better understanding on what it looks like, go read the stickied threads in the Writer's Lounge and stop dishing out tacky chapters so quickly. It does no good for you, and no good for the readers.

[Blaziken626]

Thanks for the C+C. I respect it, but I just have to say that in the second episode in the Pokemon anime, the same thing happens: Ash catches a Pokemon and has a battle. And also in response to the Wurmple battling after being caught: In that same episode I just mentioned, didn't Ash's Pidgeotto battle Team Rocket after being injured and caught? Anyway, I don't care how long it takes. I'm going to keep on writing fan-fics until they're good. Oh, yeah, and I write fanfics very often because, well, I like typing them! But I do need to take my time to make sure it's good.

Chapter Four: Remoraid Capture

The two heroes were almost towards their first destination. Aaron wanted to start a conversation with his Pokemon to get to know it better. He looked down at his gecko Pokemon, Treecko, and asked it a question.

“So, Treecko, what do you like to do for fun?” The Pokemon started back up at him, and jumped swiftly onto a low tree branch. Then it jumped again to a higher one and kept up the cycle. It was practically flying through the trees.

Aaron looked up at Treecko happily and said to himself, “Good to know that.” Suddenly, he heard a low rumbling noise.

“What was that?” Alexa wondered. She looked down at Torchic, who had sat down with a look of hunger on its face.

“Oh, it was just your stomach. We'd better stop and eat something.” She scaled the area, trying to find a tree that grows berries. No luck.

“Treecko! Treecko!” Treecko called from a tree not too far away. The three of them ran to the spot and saw dozens of berries spotted around the tree.

“Good job, Treecko!” They all picked off as many berries as they could find, and sat down to eat them.

“Mmm! These are really sweet berries!” Aaron exclaimed.

“Yeah, I agree! How do you like 'em, Torchic?” The Pokemon finished gulping down the berries in its mouth before answering.

“Torchic! Chic!” The Pokemon leaped in excitement.

Alexa giggled, “That's what I thought!” After eating, they all laid down on the soft grass and looked up at the clouds in the sky. Aaron remembered how they used to do this on hot summer days and try to find Pokemon in the clouds when they were little. But Aaron was awoken from his trance of memories when he was hit on the head by a huge blueish-green pine cone.

“Ouch!” he yelled. “What was that?” He got up and looked down at what had just hit him.

“That's one big pine cone!” Alexa exclaimed in amazement.

“Pineco!” A voice came from the pine cone. Confusion and sock immediately swept Aaron.

“Did that pine cone just talk?!” he questioned in astonishment.

“That's not a pine cone!” Alexa explained to Aaron, “It's probably a Pokemon.” She whipped out her Pokedex to check if it was.

“Pineco is a Bug type and it is the Bagworm Pokemon. It hangs from a tree branch and patiently waits for prey to come along. If the Pokemon is disturbed while eating by someone shaking its tree, it drops down to the ground and explodes with no warning.”

“Explodes with no warning?!” Alexa hollered.

“Well that Pokedex entry was a warning!” Aaron exclaimed, “Run!!” They all ran away from the brightly glowing Pokemon. After a few seconds of glowing, the Pokemon self destructed, leaving smoke everywhere. Luckily, Aaron, Alexa, Torchic, and Treecko weren't harmed.

“Dang!” Aaron murmured and slammed his fist, “I could have caught that!”

“Nevermind that,” Alexa told him, “Look where we ended up in.” She pointed to a town nearby.

“Oldale Town! Come on. We should go stock up on some items.” They walked towards the nice and small Oldale Town. It was pretty much just like Littleroot, except it had shops and a Pokemon Center. As they were walking through the town, Torchic looked up and saw tons of other people walking around. It grew frightened and started whimpering.

“Huh? What's the matter, Torchic?” She looked into Torchic's fearful eyes.

“You don't like strangers, huh? Okay, you can come back into the Pokeball.” She took out Torchic's Pokeball and returned Torchic to it. Although Torchic was scared, Treecko was just fine. It didn't exactly trust the other people, but it wasn't scared of them, either. They found a shop that sold items for Pokemon and walked in there. They stocked up on some Pokeballs and first-aid items such as potions and antidotes. Then they explored the town a little. There were some people walking around with Pokemon such as Growlithe and Pidgey as pets. Others were training their Pokemon.

“I think we should continue, Alexa.”

She agreed, “Yeah, let's move on. There's isn't anything interesting here.” And so the walked until they saw two paths.

“Which one should we take?” Aaron asked Alexa.

“I think we should split up here,” she said, “It's best if we take different paths. Maybe next time we meet up we can battle!”

“Alright! See ya, then Lex!” He waved goodbye to her, and he took the path to the left. Treecko followed him, and Alexa took the path to the right.

Alexa said to herself, “At least he's not around to annoy me anymore. Wonder when I'll meet him again?” But as she was walking, she noticed a dead end: a lake completely blocked off the route.

She groaned miserably, “Oh! I should've taken the other path!” Suddenly, a stream of water splashed against her head and it pushed her away.

“Huh? What was that?” she said, confused. Then she noticed a blue fish with stripes of a darker blue in the water. It had a horn on its head and two tail fins. It popped its head back into the water. Alexa then took out her Pokedex once it came back up again. She tried to dodge its Water Gun attacks as she listened to the explanation.

“Remoraid is a Water type and it is the Jet Pokemon. It sucks in water, then expels it at high velocity using its abdominal muscles to shoot down flying prey. When evolution draws near, this Pokemon travels downstream from rivers.” She shut the Pokedex and threw a Pokeball. Out of it came her starter Pokemon, Torchic.

“Alright Torchic! Let's go! Use Scratch attack!” It started to run towards the opponent, but stopped when it realized there was water in front of it. Torchic was afraid of water due to its Fire characteristics. So it could not touch the enemy Pokemon, Remoraid. Suddenly, the fish Pokemon released a jet stream of water from its mouth that was aimed towards Torchic. When the water hit Torchic, it uttered a cry loudly.

“Torchi-i-ic!!” The cry was so loud that it could be heard by Aaron.

“Huh? Was that Torchic? It sounded like it was deep trouble! I'd better go help Alexa!” He started running, but he stopped and turned around.

“She can handle it herself,” Aaron said to himself, “There's no need to help out.” He didn't know what to do.

“Treecko, what do you think?” And then he saw Treecko already dashing towards the area where the cry was heard.

“That's what I thought,” Aaron ran right after him, “Wait up, Treecko!”

“Oh, Torchic!” Alexa panicked as the Remoraid continued to barrage her and Torchic with water streams, “Maybe Wurmple can help!” She returned Torchic to its Pokeball and sent out Wurmple. But it couldn't help either, as it could not swim. Remoraid was at a huge advantage. But just before it was about the strike Wurmple with a Water Gun attack, Treecko jumped swiftly right in the way of the attack and blocked it. Treecko was only injured a little bit by this attack, so it could continue battling.

“Treecko!” Alexa exclaimed in surprise.

“Just in time!” a voice called from behind her, “Hi, Alexa!”

“Aaron?”

“Why did you use a Fire Pokemon against Water? Anyone with half a mind would've known not to do that!”

“Um, well-”

“Just go! I'll handle this Pokemon!

“Okay! Thanks!” she returned Wurmple to its Pokeball and ran off, “And it's called a Remoraid just so you know!”

“Alright! Time to catch me a Remoraid! Treecko, quickly! Use Pound!” The Pokemon nodded and quickly jumped over to the Remoraid and slammed it with its tail. The attack came down like a hammer, and Treecko was fast enough to jump back onto land right away.

“Alright! Now hit it again!” It did the same thing again. It bounded over to the enemy and pounded it using its powerful tail. The Pokemon was now weak enough to catch. Aaron took out a Pokeball and threw it at the Remoraid. But the ball fell into the water. Aaron ran over and tried to reach the ball with his hand as he stuck it underwater. He couldn't even touch it with the hairs on his finger. Aaron found a nearby rock in the middle of the lake and jumped out to it. He just barely kept his balance. Again, he stuck his hand under the water and attempted to reach for the ball. He finally grabbed it and he had a newly caught Remoraid.

“Awesome! That's Pokemon #2!” Aaron celebrated.

“Treecko! Tree!” the Pokemon was also excited. Aaron let Treecko rest in its Pokeball. Then he ran back to Oldale Town and met up with Alexa.

“Hey Alexa?” Aaron questioned her, “How come you didn't just run away from that Remoraid? There was no way you could've caught it!”

“Well, says you! I could've just as easily caught that Remoraid!”

“Sure you could've!” Then Aaron walked away, taking the left path.

“Hey, what's that supposed to mean? You tell me!” Alexa ran after Aaron, and they headed to their next stop: Petalburg City.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next Chapter: New Moves Learned: Absorb and Ember

[AC Coda X]

Um... just because the crap-writers of the anime do something doesn't mean you can. And Pidgeotto was beaten up when it fought. It fainted after one attack. Don't EVER use the anime as a guideline to how your fic should go. If anything, remember not to do some of the things the anime does- having the main character win an overwhelmingly high percent of the time, for example. Rowr.

You still haven't deviated from the rp plot, and we're three chapters in. No, sorry, four. You should at least do some foreshadowing of the conflict. And your trainers are both lacking in more then generic personality. Where's the grumpy person who livens things up when you need him? And your description of Oldale Town was pretty lame. Couldn't you have come out and said what it looked like on its own instead of saying "It looked like Littleroot, only with more shops and a Pokemon Center". What do the shops look like? The center? Be more specific.

Remoraid and Pineco can't be found in Hoenn unless you happen to be in that one area of the safari zone. Yes, I'm aware that Ash hooked an Octillery while fishing in Hoenn, but that was stupid too.

[Blaziken626]

Um... just because the crap-writers of the anime do something doesn't mean you can. And Pidgeotto was beaten up when it fought. It fainted after one attack. Don't EVER use the anime as a guideline to how your fic should go. If anything, remember not to do some of the things the anime does- having the main character win an overwhelmingly high percent of the time, for example. Rowr.

You still haven't deviated from the rp plot, and we're three chapters in. No, sorry, four. You should at least do some foreshadowing of the conflict. And your trainers are both lacking in more then generic personality. Where's the grumpy person who livens things up when you need him? And your description of Oldale Town was pretty lame. Couldn't you have come out and said what it looked like on its own instead of saying "It looked like Littleroot, only with more shops and a Pokemon Center". What do the shops look like? The center? Be more specific.

Remoraid and Pineco can't be found in Hoenn unless you happen to be in that one area of the safari zone. Yes, I'm aware that Ash hooked an Octillery while fishing in Hoenn, but that was stupid too.

Don't you understand that I can do whatever I want with this fanfic? Just because those Pokemon aren't found in the games doesn't mean they can't be found in a fanfic. In fact, I looked at another fanfic, and there were wild Poliwags somewhere in the beginning of Johto and one of the starters was a Charmander. I'm just trying to be creative. And there's no need to describe the shops and Center because the shop wasn't really an important part, and the didn't even go to the Center. But I will try to be more specific with descriptions and try to give the characters some personalities. There will be some twists different from the games eventually, but you have to wait.

[Yami Rui]

In fact, I looked at another fanfic, and there were wild Poliwags somewhere in the beginning of Johto and one of the starters was a Charmander.

Do you remember the fanfic?

Don't you understand that I can do whatever I want with this fanfic?

LOL, yeah well you could. But if you did that, without any common sense, it takes potential reviewers away from your fanfic. Do you see the good fanfics just doing whatever they wan't without any common sense, NO!

So if you would have the first gym leader with a L35 Metang, and you just say it's cause I wan't it in there, sadly there's no common sense within that.

You can do several interesting things within a fic, if you wanna make your fic well done, then have some common sense and originally.

[Blaziken626]

Do you remember the fanfic?



LOL, yeah well you could. But if you did that, without any common sense, it takes potential reviewers away from your fanfic. Do you see the good fanfics just doing whatever they wan't without any common sense, NO!

So if you would have the first gym leader with a L35 Metang, and you just say it's cause I wan't it in there, sadly there's no common sense within that.

You can do several interesting things within a fic, if you wanna make your fic well done, then have some common sense and originally.

Let me rephrase that: I can make a fanfic interesting by putting in unusual (but not senseless) things such as Remoraid in the lake near Oldale. And also, the fanfic I was referring to was Johto: The Land of Beginnings (which is a pretty good fic). Also, I'll be starting on the 5th Chapter soon.

[Yami Rui]

In fact, I looked at another fanfic, and there were wild Poliwags somewhere in the beginning of Johto and one of the starters was a Charmander.

You can find Poliwag on Route 31 in Johto. And besides, not everybody agrees with the Hoenn Pokemon in that fic. Here's a part of a review to that fic.

You aren't required to do everything by the games, but you should at least provide a plausible explanation for the changes you made. (Could be migration, could be a new trend among rookie trainers or people who want pokémon as pets, I'm sure you can think up something).

That was about the Poochyena in Johto by the way.

[Always and Never]

This Fan-fic follows the storyline of about 4 other fics. You need a tad bit more originality. The Anime is horrible so dont base it around it. Just a little more originality and a little bit more adjectives.

[Alter Ego]

Dude...when you're providing updates in two hours you know that you're going too fast. xP Really, I see that you've been largely imitating the other OT fanfic you mentioned - minus giving anyone a personality to speak of - but you have clearly neglected looking at the more essential part: the reviews it got. Like I said before: one chapter a week is a decent pace to keep, even if you've got ready-made chapters (Like Garouga did). Cool it with the updates, take a step back and rethink, because the current state of your fic is...quite terrible to be honest.

First off, none of your characters have exhibited any real personality of their own (In contrast to your chosen example fic where Gold and Silver had very distinct personalities) and consequently the dialogue is very flat and monotonous. I mean sheez, everyone speaks the same way and everyone is nice to each other - expect for the siblings having a trivial squabble or two. The situation of the pokémon is even more depressing. Pokémon - at least those sticking around the main chars - are characters just as much as their trainers and should have the personality match. I mean, both Aaron and Alexa are complete rookie trainers yet their pokémon both love and obey them instantly and without question and the only thing even remotely resembling personality that they have exhibited thus far is

Torchic and Treecko sighed again. They didn't like the bickering between the two siblings.

Not very inspiring, is it? Especially since these two only seem to have emotions in unison rather than as individuals. The rest of the time they're just being happy. xP

Oh, I do need correction. Torchic showed some vague resemblance of personality here:

“Huh? What's the matter, Torchic?” She looked into Torchic's fearful eyes.


“You don't like strangers, huh? Okay, you can come back into the Pokeball.” She took out Torchic's Pokeball and returned Torchic to it. Although Torchic was scared, Treecko was just fine. It didn't exactly trust the other people, but it wasn't scared of them, either.

Too bad that this contradicts Torchic's earlier behaviour. If it doesn't like strangers then how come it started trusting Alexa right away? I'm sorry but this makes no sense. Also, how on earth did they know how Treecko felt? Is Aaron psychic or something? Again, this makes no sense. -.-

Furthermore, your description needs work. I know ACC already mentioned this, but let me elaborate: interesting use of language is crucial for the maintenance of reader interest, and needless to say, repeatedly resorting to the same word is not interesting. Let's take an example from the end of your first chapter:

“Goodbye, mom!” Alexa called to her mother as she walked out the door.

“See ya!” Aaron called as well.

“Goodbye, kids!” their mom called to them, “I'm going to miss you!” Then she shut the door and turned around. She started to get teary-eyed, but held them back.

Bolding done by me, of course. Really, never ever use the same verb multiple times in a row like that. It sticks out immediately and definitely not in a good way. The english language has a very wide arsenal of synonyms, so please use them. Also, please consider making use of other forms of expression than a simple referential style. Metaphors, similies and similar literary devices can work wonders. Take a look at any of the archieved fics here, I guarantee you that not a single one of them follows a simple 'he said, he did, she said, she did' approach to description. Another problem your fic suffers from is the all too common block description:

This boy's name was Aaron Parke. He was roughly 13 and about 5' 3'' in height. His hair was a navy blue and his eyes were a lighter shade of blue.

By packing description into a huge list like this, all in one go, you are grinding the narrative to a halt because there is no action going on. This is bad, especially so early on in the story. To remedy this, you should introduce the details bit by bit with some kind of movement from the character in between. Also, don't introduce information until it is somehow relevant to the context. In the wake-up scene, for instance, you could have started by bringing in his hair, face and eyes as well as - possibly - his height once he gets up (He could bump his head or something). The name could have been introduced by someone calling it from downstairs (If it's his mum even the family name could have been brought in) and his age could have been brought in as a part of something like internal grumbling.

Another thing that I'm missing is the thoughts of the main characters. Becoming a trainer is a big step (Leaving home, having to survive on your own, going to places you've never been before), but neither character has even exhibited the slightest concern over this (Or any clear emotions whatsoever, come to think of it), similarly their feelings on the things they have experienced go virtually unnoticed.

Also, your plot and character development could use a lot of work. You can promise as many interesting things as you want for the future, but who's going to believe you with the start of your fic is bland like this? Newsflash: very few people are prepared to sift through chapter after chapter of sloppy writing and clichés based on a vague promise of something interesting happening later on. Every chapter in your fanfic should be interesting relevant and entertaining. That's right, evey one of them. If a chapter fails to maintain reader interest and doesn't achieve anything important in terms of plot or character development then that chapter should either be rewritten or not be there at all, simple as that. So really, delay writing the next chapter because you've got some major issues to sort out with the ones you have here. The OT fanfic is very treacherous territory because it's so full of clichés it hurts, which means that originality and attention to detail become even more important than otherwise.

Finally, cut out the 'I do what I want' attitude and listen to the reviewers. Yami Rui and ACC have both pointed out some very clear weakpoints in your fic, so instead of trying to come up with justifications (The anime is a very bad one, mind you), why don't you try actually working with what they say and going back to edit your chapters until they can't find anything to complain about? Reviews aren't just there for future reference, they're actually there so that you can improve on your existing chapters too. Being able to make efficient use of the reviews you get is an essential part of improving as a writer.

Now, just to leave you with some reference materials. First off, there's the thread I started to map out the 'what not to do's of fanfic writing, here (http://www.pkmncommunity.com/showthread.php?t=78885), I really suggest that you read it, as I note that several of the things people mentioned there apply here. Second, reading existing OTs is a good idea, but there are far better ones in the genre. Personally, the best ones I've seen are The Glass Half Full (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2297979/1/) and The Mirror Never Lies (http://www.pkmncommunity.com/showthread.php?t=71971), so if you want to really apply yourself to improving your writing skills then take note of how these writers have turned the clichéd OT into something original and exciting. Also, pay close attention to the use of language, I think it will illustrate what I meant earlier. :3

Anyway, hope some of that is useful for you. Good luck with the writing. ^^

[Blaziken626]

Yeah, I just recently realized I should revise my previous chapters first. So I'll take some time to do that, and when I've replaced my posts with the revised chapters, I'll let you know. Thanks, everyone. At least you're letting me know what's wrong with the story. I didn't really think I'd be a good fanfic writer.

[AC Coda X]

Hmm.. thanks. I'm sorry now that I didn't get more specific. Anyway, while I'm here, I may as well throw in my personal favorite OT fic that breaks the cliche- Butterfree's annoyingly often-revised Quest for the Legends. Well, I like Chibi_Pika's The Legendarian Chronicles more, but that's a team rocket fic, really. Anyway, some final advice to go over during your revisions:

Beware of the misuse of verb tenses. Spellcheck doesn't catch it, and you have to be alert. It's really the bane of my existence. Once, I forgot to check for mistakes, and I posted a chapter for a humor fic. When the chapter was up, I came back after a few days and noticed I had made some major mistakes, so I went back and fixed them and took the oppurtunity to make some things sound clearer. So yeah, be alert.

Remember: The thesaurus is your friend, but you need a dictionary to use it. Just because a thesaurus says that a word is synomous with something doesn't mean that both words have the same connotation every time.

And finally, beware of the wolf-speak. Alright, so I'm pretty sure that's a roleplaying term, but it's still necessary. Don't use big words if you don't know what they mean. The dictionary is your friend.

Well, you could probably find this on the fanfic writing guide, but this is what I feel is most needed for your upcoming chapter revisions. Well, writing character and reactions is important too, but that isn't easy to put into words.

Good luck.

[Blaziken626]

OK, I've just replaced the first chapter with the revised chapter. I'll start on fixing the second chapter tomorrow.

[ProtrainerEon]

This actually is pretty good!

Something about it makes me like it despite the cliche plot and cliches within that plot. As long as you add in a bit more description whether the object has importance or not (Pokemon Center for exampe), keep it up!

[Blaziken626]

Another update! I've just edited my second post and put up the revised Chapter 2. Guess I'd better start working on Chapter 3.

[AC Coda X]

Umm... Blaziken? For all your editing, I still have yet to see any of your characters take on more then a generic personality. I mean, I think all you added to this chapter was why everyone wanted their starter Pokemon. "Cute" and "Cool" aren't really reasons for picking a partner who will follow you around for the rest of his or her God-given life, IMO. I still think Treecko and Torchic are acting like robots.

"Go, Treecko, attack that gigantic Ursaring over there even though it will probably kill you!" Jeff screamed.

"Treecko-Tree!" the Pokemon chanted happily before racing to its doom because it had no brain or will of its own and was incapable of doing anything except getting into trouble occasionally and following orders, being a mindless drone Pokemon after all.

Now, compare that overexagerrated bit there to this one:

"Treecko, go attack that Ursaring!" Jeff commanded, striking a dramatic pose.

There was a slight pause for a moment, before Treecko raised its eyes to its trainer, and rolled them as if to say "Are you serious?"

Jeff tried again. "Treecko, I said attack the Ursaring."

Treecko simply shook its head.

Flustered beyond reason, Jeff finally lost his temper and shouted "TREECKO, IF YOU DON'T ATTACK THAT URSARING IN FIVE SECONDS I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

Treecko stared at his trainer silently for a moment, before sticking out its tongue.

Jeff slapped his head and fell to the ground in silence. "Why me..."

Notice anything different? That's right, both the Pokemon, and in some respects the trainer, have a more distinct personality. Even though the Pokemon doesn't speak the same language, he obviously is capable of getting the point across. Now, tell me honestly: Which of those two was it more fun to read? See? Now, if your story were more like the second then the first, with obvious personalities for each character, I'd enjoy it. By the way, your writing style still seems to be lacking something. You're moving the story too fast in some places, where you should be adding more description in order to slow it down and make it easier to read. You dig?

This message was sponsored by the Children's Television Workshop.

[Blaziken626]

Well of course if I ever make Treecko or Torchic fight a foe bigger than them, I'd definitely make them hesitate a lot. But there's nothing to put in there if it's fighting a Wurmple, for Pete's sake! Even so, I know there are many mistakes and I will try to fix them, but I haven't even finished editing the third chapter, so don't start criticizing it yet.

[Alter Ego]

Okay, I've been beating about the bush long enough with my reviewing, so now that you've made updates, it's time for some in-depth work. *Cracks fingers* Oh, and I'm going to go about this chapter by chapter, because if I process too much in one go I either go blind for mistakes or start seeing them everywhere. So, starting chronologically:

Chapter 1

This is my first Pokemon fan-fic, and it's going to be about a Pokemon journey through Hoenn. There will be normal stuff like collecting Gym Badges, but I'll throw in some interesting stuff.

Okay, upon closer inspection this bit is kind of redundant. Anyone reading the fic will see what it's about, and if it's going to get better then prove it don't say it. I guess you could write that it's the OT (Original Trainer) genre, but a whole paragraph isn't really needed.

Hoenn Adventures: The Pokemon Master Journey

Chapter 1: The Start of a New Journey

Chapter 1: The Start of a New Journey

Your editing seems to have resulted in a double titling, so remove one of those. Also, the naming is a bit generic. You might want to think of something a bit less general or just dispose of the chapter titles alltogether since they're not obligatory.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! The half-red, half-white Pokeball alarm clock sounded and broke the silence in the room.

“Ugh...five more minutes!” moaned the young teenager sleepily as he turned around and slapped his hand on the alarm clock's button to turn off the alarm. He slowly got up from his comfortable bed, revealing his crazy, navy blue bed-head hair. His aqua blue eyes slowly adjusted to the morning light shining in through the window. The boy sluggishly got out of his bed and walked towards the bathroom to take a shower.

About 15 minutes later he got out and opened his closet. He picked out a white shirt, basic blue jeans, and a navy blue vest that matched his hair color. As he was slipping them on, he heard a voice call from downstairs.

Nyu, the description is more fluent now. Good. ^^ This bit could still do with paragraphing (I inserted my suggestions into this quote, in case you didn't notice). Basically, whenever a new unrelated issue pops up it calls for a new paragraph. Same with a new speaker entering a conversation (or starting one up).

Also, half-red and half-white both need hiphons and the slash between them should be a comma. Also, the sentence about his eyes could be fused with the one after it, e.g. "As his aqua blue eyes slowly adjusted to the morning light shining in through the window, the boy sluggishly got out of his bed and walked towards the bathroom to take a shower." the less pause you have the smoother the descriptions will become over and done with.

“Aaron! Aaron Parke! You'd better get down here right now mister!”

He shouted back to the voice, “Okay, mom! Jeez! Don't have a cow!” Aaron finished dressing himself, ran out into the hallway outside his room, and rushed down the stairs.

Nyu, we seem to have the beginnings of a personality here. Pretty normal, but it's a start. ^^

“It's about time you got down here!” yelled a voice from the kitchen. The person who said it was a girl about the same size as Aaron, 5' 3'' to be exact. Her dark brown hair still had a few drops of water dripping on her new standard blue vest. Along with that, she wore a plain white T-shirt and a white and blue striped skirt to match her shirt and vest.

The sentence looks kind of chunky description-wise, but not irredeemably so. Besides, don't want to over-complicate a simple scene. This definitely gives a better picture of Alexa than the original.

“Well, we can't all get ready as fast as you, Alexa!” Aaron walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table with her for breakfast. He then made another comment.

The last sentence is redundant. We know that he made another comment because he speaks up again right after it.

“And have you ever heard of a hair dryer?”

“Hey, you-” Alexa started to stir up the argument, but her mother interrupted.

“That's enough, both of you! Just stop bickering. And Aaron, come get your pancakes."

And we have established quibbling...it's a start but what really counts is how you build up on it all. A witty retort from Alexa's side could have been fun, but I'm not sure if she's the type to come up with those. ^^


The reason their mother was preparing a rare, yet satisfying breakfast was to celebrate Aaron and Alexa finally leaving on their Pokemon journey. Aaron's mom thought that they were too young to leave when they were only 10, so she wanted them to wait until they were older. But it was worth the three-day wait. For they were finally free to make their own choices and prove that they have matured. Aaron gobbled down his pancakes in a flash and hurried upstairs to gather his belongings for the journey.

“Boys,” Alexa sighed, “So immature.” She took a bite of her pancakes, then turned around to look at her mom.

Kind of funny how she's calling fast eating immature just after having complained about how slow he is. Oh well, who says she hast to be fully logical?

“He had to leave early to go help out the professor,” she answered as she took away Aaron's dishes, “Professor Birch is a busy man, so he needs someone to help out with the Pokemon.”

Meanwhile, up in Aaron's room, Aaron was getting together his clothes and belongings that he would need for the journey. He put them all in a yellow backpack with many different pockets for different items.

Again, a new paragraph would be in order. Aaron gathering his belongings upstairs has nothing to do with what his mum is doing downstairs.

“Okay. I think that's everything,” Aaron said as he packed up the last of his things, “Now I'm ready to go!” He headed back down the stairs to the living room and was about to run right out the door.

“Wait right there, young man!” his mom's voice called from the kitchen, “You're not leaving until your sister is ready, too!”

Aaron sighed and turned around. He sat down and picked up a remoter control that was lying around on the floor next to the couch. He turned on the TV, and flicked around the channels until one slightly caught his attention.

Nyu, the end of the first paragraph seems kind of odd to me. You could kind of take part of the second and stick it there instead for better flow, e.g.

He headed back down the stairs to the living room and was about to run right out the door when an imperative voice stoped him in his tracks.

“Wait right there, young man!” his mom called from the kitchen, “You're not leaving until your sister is ready, too!”

Okay, so I went kind of poetic with the diction, but you get the point, right? Just one of these small things that makes the narrative run smoother. :3 Also, his mum's speech needs its own paragraph.

“Apparently, Pokemon that usually thrive in such distinct regions as Kanto and Johto have been spotted around Hoenn-” Just then, finally, Alexa came walking down the stairs with a yellow pack strapped around her waist and with a red bandanna tied around her head. And that also caught Aaron's attention.

And this would be your explanation? It works, I guess, although a bit more of a news report style (You know, either descriptions of something happening on the screen or some would-be smart wordplay from the speaker if he's one of those wannabe comedians that the small commercial news channels seem to like). Also, you could do with mentioning who the quotation belongs to (E.g. "Apparently" the news announcer proclaimed, "Pokemon that usually thrive only in such distinct regions as Kanto and Johto...etc."). It's all to prevent reader confusion. ^^

“Well, well,” Aaron said to Alexa, “Look who's slow, now.”

No comma needed after 'Look who's slow'.

“Don't use that kind of language around here!” her mother replied. Alexa gave Aaron a stingy look. Then Aaron turned off the television, walked over to the coat hanger, and grabbed his red and white cap, and slapped it on his spiky-haired head.

Umm...are you trying to say that Aaron is a naughty word? Because that's the impression I got. o.O Maybe Alexa could have used some kind of childish insult to give her mother a bit more reason to intervene. ^^

“Well, kids, it looks like you're finally leaving for your big Pokemon journey now.” She started getting tears in her eyes. She continued, “And you're going to be making your own decisions, and taking up big responsibilities, and...and..” She threw her body over the two siblings and started bawling.

“Oh! Don't go-o-o!”


This time around, I think it could actually work as one paragraph so that their mother doesn't take such huge pauses in her speech. To smooth it out you could also merge the two sentences outside the quote into something like 'her eyes were starting to get teary at this point, but she pressed on'. Y'know, figure something out. Aside from the last part, I could really picture my mum doing this if becoming a trainer was an option in this world. xD So yeah, generic or no you've provided more personality again, which is good.

Aaron whispered to his sister, “I knew this was going to happen.” He sighed, and then spoke to his mother.

Nyah, I think having the quotation first and the 'Aaron whispered' bit after would make it more fluent. As it is, I'm kind of struck with this 'what did Aaron whisper?' feeling when I read the first bit, which kind of makes me want to go back and check if I missed a quotation. Of course, such a switch would require merging the out-of-quotation bits, something like 'Aaron whispered to his sister, sighing before he turned to speak with his mother'. I dunno', my fingers are practically itching to stick in an adjective there and exchange the 'mother' which kind of sounds repetitive right after 'sister', but that's just my style so I shall restrain it. *Smacks fingers*

“Mom, you promised to let us leave by the time we were thirteen, and now it's time to let go.” Alexa decided to add on as her mother continued to cry and hug her kids.

“Mom, I know it's tough, but you've got to face the fact that we're growing up.”

She stopped, sniffled, and wiped a tear from her eye.“I know. And I always knew this time would come,” she sadly spoke, “Goodbye, kids.” She gave them their last hugs and kisses, and finally, let them leave.

Okay, first off, move the 'She stopped, sniffled, and wiped a tear from her eye' down to the paragraph so the things that mother and daughter are doing don't get confused with each other. Second, there are too many 'she's in the last paragraph. I'd suggest replacing the first with something else to indicate the speaker. Also, the middle one needs to be identified (Would I be correct in assuming that it's Alexa?). Also, for someone who just yelled 'don't have a cow' earlier that morning, I must say that Aaron is being quite soft-spoken about this matter. Again, their ways to resolve this situation could have been a way to bring out the differences in the siblings' personalities. Just food for thought in thinking of situations to come.

“Goodbye, mom!” Alexa called to her mother as she walked out the door.

“See ya!” Aaron exclaimed as well.

'As well' doesn't really work here since Alexa didn't say 'see ya!'. It can only be as well if someone else has already done it, you know.

“Goodbye! I don't know when I'll see you again, but I'll always miss you!” She waved goodbye to them, her kids waved back, and she shut the door and turned around. She started to get teary-eyed again, but she was able to hold the tears back.

“Well, they're finally leaving.” She stared out the window and watched them leave until they faded away out of her sight.

Again, it's a 'she' overload. Also, for the first sentence, it could use an 'I'll' there, and the 'be missing' seems like a redundantly complex sentence structure when a simple 'miss' would do. Also, the 'They're finally leaving' kind of gives the image that she's happy to be rid of them, which seems weird, so maybe rethink that phrasing? Eh...that could just be me, though.


And that's it for the first revision (In detail), I'll get to the next chapter within the next few days. Oh, and I do agree that agreeing to fight a Wurmple isn't too big a leap for a newly obtained pokemon, except maybe if it's a timd or socieable type who dislikes fighting. Any disobedience here would mostly be of the 'who do you think is in charge here?' kind and that's up to everyone's discretion. But I'll adress that matter in depth when I get that far. Hopefully what I've written here helps you in some way. ^-^