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QT Plusle
February 25th, 2007, 02:06 AM
Well, this poem was something I wrote in homeschooling.... please give me your feedback ^.^ I appreciate it! ^^


"As a spirit I wander down
The dark school corridor.
It seems I will go un-noticed,
Now and forevermore.

My memories of this place are bad
They will never leave me
Like scars will never leave my skin
As slight as they may be.

As I look further I notice
A child younger than I,
Getting kicked around the playground
It hurts to see her cry.

A teacher, tutoring children,
Doesn't notice what goes on
His pupils are being bullied,
Excuses? There are none.

He had his chance to help them out
But them - he just ignored.
What are the reasons? Why did he?
It's simple; he's just bored.

Bored of those childern getting hurt
Seeing them day to day
Getting spat on, being abused
"Just ignore it!" He'll say.

Thats what I did but look at me
Bullies caused me to die
In this corridor, they killed me
I don't even know why.

As a spirit, I wander down
The dark school corridor.
It seems I will go un-noticed,
Now and forevermore."

~ By me xx

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
February 25th, 2007, 09:52 AM
Great, great rhythm, however deviating in some parts. I like the rhyme scheme, and diction is okay. Some ideas are too literal for my taste, but that's just me... I cannot personally relate to the meaning, but I understand it and you managed to write a poem with rather vivid imagery. Good poem.

Fav stanza:
My memories of this place are bad
They will never leave me
Like scars will never leave my skin
As slight as they may be.Flows smoothly, it's not too cheesy, and slightly metaphoric. X3;