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DeM0nFiRe
March 15th, 2007, 05:57 PM
This is a song I'm writing but I haven't yet gotten the music down so for now it's a poem. Tell me what you think:

They called you wierd child and you laughed in their faces
They asked how you could do this in all of gods places
They kicked you down and left you to die
And nobody answered when you wondered why

[Chorus]
~
Heavens chorus is pointing at you
Hell's angels beckoning to you
The melodic chords are chasing you
The beat of the wings is killing you

Wierd child, waiting for the dawn of the dead
Wierd child, take a moment to rest your head
~

Now they run and they scream and they fall on each other
Now they cry for the help from their forsaken brother
Now you laugh with delight as flesh rots from their bones
Why should you help wretched souls find peace in good homes

[chorus]

Now the sky opens up and reigns hope once again
Revelations are come to you on this fateful day
Now you are the saviour, they are the fools
Breaking laws of society you rise with new rules
<END>

So tell me how you liked it. I'll probably change this some when i turn it into a full song and leave this version as a poem.

Krobelus
March 15th, 2007, 08:54 PM
That sounds really nice, although, 4 paragraphs.. hmm.. stretch it perhaps?

oni flygon
March 18th, 2007, 12:19 PM
That sounds really nice, although, 4 paragraphs.. hmm.. stretch it perhaps?

Poetry is not something to be desired to length; quanitity is not synonymous to quality. And you might notice that your so called review does not really weigh anything.


As for the song/poem, it's all pretty much okay. The lack of proper punctuation might make it sound a bit shaky or lacking in rhythm, since punctuation does account for rhythm. Add in a couple of commas or maybe periods at the end of some sentences. It'll work, since an unpuncuated sentence might appear to be a run on, hindering the rhythm. It's a pretty neat subject when you look at it, and exemplified by imagery, especially allusions.

DeM0nFiRe
March 20th, 2007, 01:24 PM
what's imagery? no im just kidding. Actually, about the rythm, as a song the vocalist sings all the lines of a verse right in a row without an audible pause. I left out the puncuation on purpose. But, of course, i see what you mean how it kinda detracts from it as a poem.