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code zerro the deluge
March 24th, 2007, 09:19 AM
He was known around the world as one of the best
Seperated from the rest
He was a little bit naughty by nature
But the whole crowd loved him
Every one was in his favor

That kid now grew up
And blew up
For shore
But this man ain't done
This man got more in store

His career is over and done
Over and won
Notice at one point he did for fun
But now little Johnny playing with guns

See he's all grown up now
And the fact of the matter is
That this is what he wants to be
Who this who his friends are
He the one in the rong
He's the one with the scars

But as far
As I can tell
He fell
To hell and back again
Back to win
But who could better than better than best
Better than the best

Well thats me
Thats how are lives unfold
But before the concert when things were about to get started
My boy Johnny had to get carted away
To his early grave
Two bullets in the chest
With no life support vest

So I ask you
What are you proud of
Nothing or something
Smile and look up at God
That where you got your orrignal start

DeM0nFiRe
March 24th, 2007, 10:53 AM
Hey man, this is pretty cool. I think it's better than your last one. I like the flow of this one better.

Merzbau
March 24th, 2007, 10:56 AM
I can see a big influence to a rock hit of the late 2000's, Youth of the Nation by P.O.D.

Wayyy better than your other rap work, because this has twice the substance.

Fix the spelling errors, and get some new original ideas, and you're well on your way to being great.

code zerro the deluge
March 24th, 2007, 05:25 PM
thanx guys. trying new stuff

dstaley
April 6th, 2007, 09:47 PM
Yeah, just IMHO, grammatical errors in poetry (and rap) are a bother. Try and proofread your work quite a few times. But, having these errors can add to the "soul" of the poem, but don't overdo it.

It does flow quite well, and weaves a nice story. Though, the last stanza (where most poems falling action resides) is a little confusing. I had to read it several times to get the full meaning.