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♠Shiny♠Mr.Mime♠
April 5th, 2007, 09:34 AM
i had written this poem about four months ago so here how it goes

A woman from japan,
so tender and mild.
her words so soothing,
it makes me go wild.

her voice as soft as the wind,
no raindrops can change,
the way the birds sing.
i write it on this page.

please rate and be honest please

oni flygon
April 5th, 2007, 09:57 AM
Referring to "women" in singular form is "woman"

The first stanza is okay, but the second stanza digresses from the whole concept of the poem. It's a nice try on simile, but it just deviates to rain and birds... which aren't really compatible when making imagery. You get my point? It's just not right to hear birds singing in the rain. Try to focus on one idea, and try not to tread off and hit us with too many images. Otherwise, it's an okay poem... decent stanzas with rhymes (albeit the last stanza rhymes sound forced...)

dstaley
April 6th, 2007, 09:35 PM
Referring to "women" in singular form is "woman"

The first stanza is okay, but the second stanza digresses from the whole concept of the poem. It's a nice try on simile, but it just deviates to rain and birds... which aren't really compatible when making imagery. You get my point? It's just not right to hear birds singing in the rain. Try to focus on one idea, and try not to tread off and hit us with too many images. Otherwise, it's an okay poem... decent stanzas with rhymes (albeit the last stanza rhymes sound forced...)

I agree, the last stanza sounds a bit iffy. The point of the poem should become clear in the last stanza, but you go on to how the rain can't change the way the bird sings. Also, your First lines make a run-on, which is bad in poetry because the brain is wired to change thoughts at a period, and changing thoughts in the middle of a sentence makes not only the poem hard to read, but seriously takes away the beauty of poetry.