View Full Version : another pair of my works

April 23rd, 2007, 10:18 PM
well, i guess you guys didnt like my first one eh? well, i got two new ones i just made yesterday

I Promise (for you)

tear my life away
if you think its right
let my sufferings come and stay
if it can let me hold you tight

im glad that i can be your clown
in the very worst possible place
in times you feel sad and down
im here to bring the smile back to your face

if you think your answer cant be found
and your lost between right and wrong,
just turn your head and look around
coz im always here to make you strong

and if the light takes me far away
where my heart cant hold on to you
i promise, i will find some other way
to come back to where my love once grew

A Heart Beneath The Wooden Doll

when my life had started it was only what i could bring
for i was a puppet with feeble ended strings
in a theater with an audience of three
so lonely when it starts, but it was okay for me

when he began waving me around
for the first time, my feet could touch the ground
it welcomed me with warm sensations on my feet
i was the only one whom he made, a discreet

days flew by as my life began to vanish
i saw another puppet with the same kind of anguish
before my time came to an end
she became someone, more than a friend

and so we touched the ground together
for a second, it seemed happiness would come forever
but the bond between us soon tore to rust
for we crossed upon betrayal and dustrust

now that my life has come to an end
i still have a few words to send
wood and iron can build my everlasting strength
but it still wont match, our friendship's length

hope you guys like it...

oni flygon
April 24th, 2007, 7:22 PM
They're okay, although nothing new.

For the first one, it's quite awkward how your rhythm develops from little phrase by little phrase and then moving on to increase the length in each line. There's a punctuation mistake over there and it always bothers me when someone uses "Coz". Obviously, you aren't paying attention to the rhythm, so why shorten a word? You only shorten or contract words if you want to frame your poem into a certain rhythm. As for the subject matter, it's nothing new, really.

For the second one, it's creative to portray a relationship in a puppet show. Although the comparison is new, the subject matter... yeah. Again, the rhythm is off in this one, so the rhymes didn't sound right for me. Usually a rhyme scheme is accompanied by a solid rhythm.

Again, they're both okay, but I'm not too amazed.

April 24th, 2007, 11:13 PM
but you think the second one is good? hmm....yeah, i could use those techies....someone said to me that its okay to use "Coz" in a poem? is she wrong?

Careful With That Axe, Pichu!
April 25th, 2007, 6:50 PM
You can always use the words you want, but you've got to watch your vocabulary and use it preferably to a greater extent, to make your work more understandable and avoid sounding mundane...

The rhyme scheme on both poems is okay, and I like many of those metaphors. I suggest you try writing something more progressive, artistic and less plain, less conventional. You've got the words. Try different flavors. Work on your rhythm, watch and measure your words and syllables to make it more easy to read.

Keep on writing.

April 25th, 2007, 11:11 PM
ok, ok...thanks for the encouragement dud! means a lot...hehe