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The Evil One
May 7th, 2004, 01:53 PM
You never took the time to know me,
Never took the time to care;
Too busy trying to ignore me,
That I was breathing, or even there.

Why didn't you try and learn about me,
Try and talk with me a while;
Maybe then, you just might see,
A different side to the Scotsman, Kyle.

But that's the thing, I'm loveless, see?
Just another funny man.
Take the time to get to know me,
You won't regret it.

Trust me.

- - - - - -

Ok, I suck at poetry. Please rate/throw stuff at me?

~Ozy~
May 9th, 2004, 04:39 PM
Okay, a bit of commentary. You have a rhyme scheme going, which is more than I can say for most amatuer poets, but it lacks rythm. I seems like it could just be a line in a story the happens to rhyme. I'll do a rewrite of the first verse, if yo don't mind, with a rythm thrown in.

You didn't take the time to know me
Never even seemed to care
Too busy trying to forget me
Forget that I was breathing, that I was even there

To me that make a bit more rythmic and lyric sense. Also, in the last verse, your structure seems to degenerate a bit. I would suggest:

But I'm just loveless, don't you see?
Making jokes just to forget.
Take the time to come and know me,
You'll have no regrets.

Trust me.

Sorry, if you think I changed the poem too much, these are just my suggestions. A bit of advice, check and see if you can apply your poem to music, because a well written poem can be a well written song lyric.